A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:I'm gay and I love one of my best friends and I told them a couple of months ago. They made it clear that they aren't, but they said that they respected the fact that I'm gay. I feel awkward when ever I pass him in the halls at school and I tryed to get together with him without anyone else being there so that we could get use to being around him again and my other friends wouldn't get suspicious that something was going on. Every time that I asked him about it on the phone he said that he would see about it and would give me a call that when he knew or would give some excuse for why that wouldn't work. Every time that he didn't call I started getting angry and thinking that he was avoiding me. Then later I would feel so guilty that I thought that of him. Then one of the times I asked him about getting together and he gave a weird response so I asked him if he felt uncomfortable being around me without anyone else being there. He said yes, but we could get together if there were other people there. I don't blame him for being uncomfortable being around me without someone else there. What makes me so angry is that I could tell him something that I have never told anyone, but he couldn't tell me something that simple that I needed to know. Instead he thought the better route was to avoid me for two months. The more I think about it the angrier I became. I just want to be friends with him. I think he is still avoiding me even though I have tried to meet him while other friends of our are around.This isn't the problem that I need help with though right now. That was just the set up to another question that i previously asked. That was about a month ago and things have gotten a little better, but is far from where I would like things to be. The problem is that I have another friend that I realized that I'm attracted to. I don't love him, but it's a strong attraction and I know that he is straight since he has a girl friend. He's knows that I'm gay, but not that I'm attracted to him. I don't want it to go beyond an attraction. How can I stop from falling in love with him? I don't want to go through the same thing that I went through and am still going through with my other friend. However, if I do fall for him I have no intention of telling him. I won't make that mistake again.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 That's good. Time heals all wounds eventually.
A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (14 March 2011):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell last week I got together with the group that we hung out with during high school and I invited him just to be polite and I didn't think that he would even respond or show up. To my surprise he came, but most of the group couldn't so it was just me him and one other friend. It was awkward for the first couple minutes, but after that the way we acted, it was like nothing had ever happened. We had a really great time so I think things might finally be getting back to the way that they were. It's such a relief.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (24 August 2010):
Honestly I wouldn't confront him cause if you really stop and think about it this is a waste of time it's not going to sink in with him. Write him a letter that you DONT send and tell him everything you want to say. Get it all off your chest and then burn the letter. Then just move on from him. Be polite when you see him but don't go out of your way to be friends with him anymore. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (21 August 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright I have another problem with this guy. He is still avoiding me. I don't love him anymore which is to be expected. I was going to stop loving him at some point, but that isn't the problem. Looking back at everything that has happened between me and him the last 9 months I don't see how I can trust him. It's not only that. After everything that has happened I have absolutely no respect for him. How could I ever be friends with him if I have no respect for him, and based on some of the things he's done it's obvious that he doesn't respect me. I want to confront him to basically tell him to shove it, but how do I do that to make it leave an impresion on him so that if he is ever in this position again he won't do this to someone else? If I don't do this how can I even be friends with him? The only emotion I feel when I think about him now is anger and sometimes hate. When I try to talk to him on facebook I feel different, like I still want to be friends with him. I don't know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (14 July 2010):
You're welcome go forth and be happy. May the force be with you :-)
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (13 July 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell at least he's talking to me now so thing look like they're getting better. I also don't have to tell my family that I'm depressed or have sleep insomnia because in the last few weeks I just started to feel better. I don't know why, but I really don't care I'll just take it thank you very much. He's in a relationship, but when I found out it took me like 10 minutes to get over it so that's good and I'm happy for him because he really does love her. I just want to see him happy. Of course I still love him, but it's not like I expect to stop loving him. I also told my older sister that about everything that's been bothering me and she was very suportive, which I didn't expect anything different from her. I'm still worried about how my parents and older brother will react, but I don't intend to tell them for a few years. I'll probably wait until I'm done with college for that. My sister was also helpful with the whole thing reguarding ghosts... she has similar abilities which I already knew, but I just didn't know how to talk to her about it. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded to this. I will never forget how you helped me. I know it didn't seem like much to you, but it meant a lot to me. Especially Moo's Mum.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (31 May 2010):
See if I was you're mother I'd be mighty worried about you right now because if your experiencing all that you can not be acting normally. Most mothers will fight tooth and nail to help their kids when there is something wrong with them so I still think you should talk to her. You don't have to tell her everything just the depression and insomnia. I understand that you feel you need someone to talk to and I'm happy to respond but just remember life is not perfect and waiting for the perfect plan to fix all this is silly. I'm a great believer in the power of positive action. Doing something positive like going for a long walk, or engaging in some activity you enjoy works wonders on your state of mind. Happiness is a state of mind. Start telling yourself you are happy and everything's cool and eventually your mind will catch up.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (30 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know how my responses sound. I'm going to get help, but the seeing ghosts, the early signs of alcoholism, the sleep ansomnia, the clinical depression, and the situation with my friend are all link, some in obvious way and others not so obvious. I'm just trying to figure out ways of getting help with the whole thing with seeing ghosts without actually saying something about it. The reason that I haven't seemed to keen to do any of the suggestion is that I have this annoying tendence to not do anything until there is a plan that is flawless, which almost never occurs. Also with my responses sounding whinny, it's just me trying to get about 8 years of fear and frustration out and I don't really have anyone to talk to about the right now, and yes I know that is why I need to go and get help. I will get help, I just have to wait a little bit longer. It's a long story about why in need to wait, but I won't have to wait long.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (30 May 2010):
I'm starting to wonder if you actually like wallowing in misery since you don't seem keen to follow any of the suggestions put to you by any posters. Your replies are starting to sound pretty whinny and whingey. Come on dude pull your head in and man up. Just make a conscious decison that you are going to deal with all this and move on. You can't sit at the bottom of the mountain and hope you somehow magically get to the top you have to put some work in to get there.
You can do it.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (27 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI response to if I have ever considered moving out the answer is no. I'm off to college next year, but I'll be going to a college close to home so I can save money, however I will have to switch schools after two years since this college doesn't have the major that I need. I also don't have a job so I wouldn't be able to pay for anything, which is why I'm so worried about being disowned. There are no family members that live near by other than my immediate family so if I got disowned I would have no way of paying for anything and I would have nowhere to go. Also when I'm out of college I will be more than $100,000 in debt. I can either have loans from my parents that are interest free or loans for a bank which obviously aren't.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (26 May 2010):
Exactly my point go to the doctor and ask them to refer you to a therapist. Tell your parents you are depressed and you don't really know why. (there are hundreds of people in this situation) You need to be able to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved with you and who will not judge anything you tell them. Even uptight catholics get depressed and need therapy sometimes. If you can get this off your chest then you will be able to let it go and life will return to some more normality. Also I see your at least 18 ever considered moving out?
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (26 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't need medication. I need a psychologist. Also dealing with the depression won't solve the problem with the my abilities like seeing ghosts being dulled. The situation between me and my friend, if I can even call him that anymore, is distracting me which is what is causing the situation to be dulled. Also this isn't the first time that I have had to deal with clinical depression on my own before. I was able to deal with it alone when I was 13, I can deal with it now. I just get tired of thinking," Out of all the possible families in the world that I had to be born into I had to be born into this one." Why do I have to be a gay, alcoholic, clinically depressed, jew that has sleep ansomnia and sees ghosts born into a family of zealous, catholic, homophobes. But also with this friend of mine, I just get so tired of the lies. I can't trust him or my family. If I can't trust either one of them then who can I trust. It just seems like all anyone that I care about can do anymore is hurt me.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (26 May 2010):
So lie to your parents. Make up something that is wrong with you that they wont want to verfiy like a discharge from your penis or a urinary infection. Then tell the doctor you have had to lie to your parents and he will have to help you. You don't need to tell the doctor about the ghosts. Just tell him about the depression and outline the problem leading up to this. I'm confident he/she will be able to help. Then the offshoot will be that the ghost thing will be resolved because your depression will be resolved.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (26 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy parents would force me to tell them what the problem is before they spend money on a doctor. Besides there are only two people that can solve to problem and that is me and my friend. The problem is far to complicated to be explained. I think that I'm the only one that can truely understand this problem for how many variables there are and how the are linked. And do you honestly think that I can talk to a doctor about my problems with ghosts. I'd be put in a straight jacket. I can deal with these problems, I just can't deal with not knowing whether or not he wants to be friends or not. The thought of losing him as a friend is what is causing these problems. I just need an answer. In some ways I'm starting to think that I'm beginning to hate him. All he has done to me since I told him how I feel about him is hurt me by lieing to me and avoiding me. I just can't deal with him pulling that kind of crap anymore.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (25 May 2010):
Doctors can't discuss their sessions with anyone else even your parents so they need not find out why you are visiting the doctor.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 May 2010):
You have far worse problems than the one you have with you friend...repelling ghosts and now you're diagnosing yourself as clinically depressed. Go see a doctor, PLEASE!
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male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (25 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would wait, but there are other issues that this problem between me and him is causing. There is one in particular that this is causing. The fact is that I see, hear, but mostly i sense ghosts. I can also repel them. I have premonition and foresight. Well the situation between me and him has dulled my abilities. I can't afford to lose the ability to repel them because there are a few in my house and one of them is a little ill willed. They aren't really a threat to people who can see, hear, or sense them, but my little sister can too and she can't protect herself yet and I've started to lose the ability to repel them because of the situation between me and my friend. The situation has also made me clinically depressed, but I can't go get help because my family will disown me when they find out what the problem is. The clinical depression has also caused me to have sleep ansomnia. If I could just solve the problem between me and him it would solve my other problems. I know it. Don't ask how I know I just do. But I also basically gave him an altimateum. I sent him an email that said if he wasn't there the next time that I tryed to get together with him and he didn't have a good excuse then I was done trying to be friends with him and I mean it. I can't deal with it much longer. I need an answer to whether you wants to be friends with me even if I don't like the answer.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (6 May 2010):
Again I repeat keep away from him. He's confused and it's making him unsure how to react. May I suggest you make friends with some girls. Unlike males (not meaning to male bash here) we like to talk. We like to analyse situations from every angle. Don't lose faith in the human race because of one bad experience. every single person on this planet has had their trust betrayed by someone you'll get over it.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (5 May 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he was a no show, not that I'm suprised. What made me so angry with him in the first place is that for a while he was the only one that I trusted because I know that my family will disown me when I find out and I just couldn't open up to my other friends. I hardly ever ask for help when I need it. I asked him for help with this and all he did was lie to me, avoid me, and make himself scarce. I just feel like he betrayed my trust. So now I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I just don't think that he will ever try to resolve this situation because any time something is hard he runs away for it. I don't even know if I want to try anymore because all I ever do is try to fix the problem and nothing happens. This just make me feel like he values whether he is comfortable more than our friendship. I might try one more time, but I really don't know if I will. I just don't think that I can trust him anymore. I'm just so tired of being hurt by everyone that I care about. I'm just so tired of all of this.
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (25 April 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell we're meeting at another friends house next on friday so hopefully things go well.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (20 April 2010):
Just back off from him completely and let him come back to you in his own time. Like it or not he feels uncomfortable now and he needs to deal with that in his own time and in his own way. You just need to carry on as per usual and wait paitently.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (20 April 2010):
der_zyniker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. I need to clarify a few things. I told the friend that I love that I love them the same time I told them that I was gay. I know that I can't have the relationship that I was hoping to have when I told them. I know that this is hard for them, I'm not stupid. I haven't been hitting on him. I'm just trying to get things as close as possible to the way things were before I told him how I feel. I would never make hit on him or make an advance on him because I love him. I know doing those things would only destroy any possiblity of a friendship. All I'm trying to do is tell him and show him that I know that I could never have a romantic relationship with him, but I hardly ever see him anymore. Any time I want to talk to him about any of this I have to call him. How am I suppose to show him that I would never make an advance on him if he won't give me a chance? I'm afraid that if this problem isn't resolved soon that we'll just lose touch and I never see him again. And as for the guy who told me on this web site that I sould lie to him and try to hook up with him.... What the hell is the matter with.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (20 April 2010):
Just like how your friends respect that you're gay, you also need to respect that they're straight and nothing is going to happen. Just come to terms that they are only friends and people that you cannot be romantically involved with. If you have to keep your distance, then do so. But don't make your friends uncomfortable when they're trying to be cool and accepting of your sexual orientation, only to tell them that you're in love with them or have any sort of feelings for them.
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A
male
reader, Problem.helper +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Look you can hit on him and lose him or you can stop hitting on him and put your feelings aways and tell him you got no feeling for him in that way. Because this is very uncomfortable for a straith guy and he will always feel unconfortale near you if you keep it up
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (20 April 2010):
Sorry mate but your thinking is a little off here. You have no right to be angry at him. He said straight out at the beginning that he was not attracted to you and was straight. You need to put yourself in his shoes and realise that whether you like it or not this IS an uncomfortable situation for him. He's going to be awkward around you because the basic structure of your friendship has changed. You need to back off and give him his space. If the friendship is true he will come back to you.
As for the other guy you said yourself you know he's straight. Move on and don't think about him anymore it's not going to go anywhere so there's no point tourturing yourself by hoping it might.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): aww. that sucks. I'm sure he feels very uncomfortable. If you guys were such good friends he probably is very nervous and shy now around you now. Maybe if you show that you really just want to be his friend and nothing more things will be okay again. Just try and do the same things you guys did before you came out. Great things take time. I'm sure you guys could be friends in the future.
good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): What you should do is lie to him that your not atracted to him and say that your still the same guy that you were before you knew you were gay but you fancy guys but not him, that should make him more comfortable around you I know it's a lie but that way you can hang out without him thinking that you fancy him this is good because he might start to fancy you and if your close enough to him when you leave high school you can go to pubs and clubs and to be true Everyone Has A Gay Experience so hopefully it will be with you! Hope this helps Good Luck
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