A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here's the deal...Back in the first half of this year, I was in a relationship with this really nice guy. Or at least.. he was nice at the beginning of the relationship. Anyways, long story short.. we crossed boundaries that I never wanted to cross in the first place. We did NOT have sex, I'll just say that now, though there was a lot of pressure for it from him. I was thoroughly against that before marriage, and I still am. However, we did foreplay (he did most of it). I have forgiven myself for allowing that to happen, and I've moved on. I broke up with him in July (other issues going on as well), and I have been so happy.Well... now I've come to college and things are getting complicated once again. I'm beginning to fall for a friend (whom I met here at college). I look at him and I see everything I had been missing in my previous relationship. I want sooo much to love him and I want him to love me back...but first of all, I don't know how he sees me (as just a friend or the potential for more than that). And second of all, whenever I think of being in a relationship with another guy (even a guy as great as this one), I feel like I need to keep my distance. I think of my ex, and how it seemed that all he wanted was sex from me, and that hurts. I know it's not true of every guy, but it feels to me that all guys want is sex...that even the sweetest guy will put his arm around me just so he can make me believe he cares, and then after he gains my trust, he'll start looking for opportunities for sex. I know this is not true of my friend (we share the same values/beliefs in regards to many things), but I just can't get it out of my head. How do I gain that trust in guys back?
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 All guys want sex? I went all through high school without ever looking for it, the same as two or three guys I hung out with. But what I found is that the jerks and bad boys who pressure girls for it the most are the ones girls go for! So I'm a little sick of hearing that guys only want one thing. At least some aren't like that but they are the ones women usually ignore.
If your friend really shares your values, then if things become more intimate between you, you can say up front that you plan to save sex for marriage (which I think is very noble). If he respects that, he won't ever pressure you. If he doesn't respect it, he wasn't meant for you anyway.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 October 2010):
 As a Christian, I certainly respect your position on sex before marriage, but a lot of people choose that philosophy without considering the implications.
College is going to be rough on you. Most other girls are putting out - some even for the first time now that they are away from home - so in most guys' minds, you're offering less than these other girls.
It's economics, in a way. So, if what you are offering them lacks a certain feature (sex), you have to make up for it with other things. Even the nicest, most trustworthy guys are going to be chasing the other girls, or else trying for sex. Only a handful of guys will share your beliefs at this age, and you may not be attracted to any of them.
This means you're going to have to be sweeter, more feminine, more loving, and more fun to talk to than other girls - all without getting clingy. It's a very difficult balance to strike. Even then, you may find that the guy still pushes for sex, and you may have to break up and find a new one.
That, or you're going to have to be comfortable with being single for a while. Perhaps finding a supportive church group would give you both the ability to be happy as things are and access to a pool of similarly-inclined guys.
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Well, they all DO want sex, even the most innocent ones, it's just that some of them know how to control their urges.
Just give this guy a chance. You can't find out his intentions unless you go out dating him and taking risks. Usually, after a failed relationship, you become insecure about the next one, so it's normal to feel that way, but leave it to him and see what's he up to. I know it's hard for you to go through the same path again, but think positive of him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Looking at the age group you are in, a vast majority of guys want women for sex. This has got to be a personal issue with a guy you like and yourself. If a guy really wants to be with you he will respect all your wishes. If he can't then he must walk.
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