A
female
age
30-35,
*ro-life
writes:i am an 18 year old female who has just graduated high school. i am hurting right now. in december i found out iwas 2 months pregnant and i kept it a secret only my boyfriend and my brothers girlfriend kew. i thought that i could trust her, but i couldnt. she caused so much pain and suffering in my life. i hate her so much. she promised me that she would keep it a secret too but when i was 4 months pregnant she spread the news. this sent my mom in a rage. she told me that i had to keep it because abortion is against her religion and i was happy. but, something happened to her with in thenext couple of weeks and she changed. her whole personality was new. she forced me to get an abortion at five months pregnant. that hurt really really bad. i just knew that i was gonna be a mother. and every day i kick myself in the butt because i had the opportunityto say no but i was just so scared. what do i do with this emptiness that i posess. how do i deal with it or get rid of it? every night i wake up crying sweating and hating myself more and more. i cant feel for my mom what i felt for her before she forced me to kill my baby. then she forced me to take birth control. for a little while i was doing it, then i stopped. she didnt even go with me i sat in that clinic all alone for two days. there was no one to talk to, cry on or even just hug me and tell me i would be fine. she forced me to leave the father alone.(its only because everyone else hated him. but she doesnt know that i hate her more than i can explain right now.so how is it that this can happen? how do i forgive her after she forced me to kill my baby?(my mom)
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female
reader, pro-life +, writes (29 August 2008):
pro-life is verified as being by the original poster of the questiononce again i want to thanl u all for the criticism and the reality checki that you gave me. in this little bit of time i got more help advice and guidance than i have had since 02/08/07. i have been angry and hurt and scarred and in the process i was blinded. every one was suspect every one was out to to hurt me i was so busy trying to find someone to blame that i really didnt open my mind and realize it was me that murdered my baby im not better than a crack mom that keeps reproducing cuz in the end chances are she gives her gift away. and as far as the unprotected sex me and my boyfriend were in a steady relationship and we planned it. i have been listening to india arie there aare these two songs that she has they r really helpful they include tips on forgiveness wings of forgiveness and heart of the matter very soothing and helpful once again i really apprecaite the advice that you all offer and just talking to you all about my issues have helped me soooo much please keep sending me answers and i will keep you all updated on my progress with forgiveness
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): Back to your original question. How do you forgive. Well forgiveness is a very hard thing. It's a feeling and it's also a choice. First we have to understand the reality of the situation and understand why it happened. Then, and only then can we work on the next level of putting bad feeling aside and trying to learn to accept (because that's what forgiveness really is) and move on. It dosen't happen in a day, it takes time, a long time. Some people never learn to forgive, but you are trying very hard. You have made the first step, you came here for advice. You have also made the second step, you listened to us, you felt hurt, but you listened and then you came back to appologise because you understood some of what we were trying to say. Two steps to forgiveness, we didn't tell you how to do it, you did this all on your own.
In time you will be able to talk to your mum, you will see that it wasn't easy for her. You will be able to understand why she made you make this decision, which hasn't turned out good for you.
Your anger, your hurt, your pain, all these things are normal and good, but this may not be the right place for this. There are better websites to shout out your pain, to admitt to yourself, that you yourself need to forgiveness too...
I'm not trying to send you away. As you see we do care, and you are welcome to update and talk to us and tell us how you feel and what is going on in your life. But for advice about post-abortion, for a space to shout and scream... well here, we argue and fight back, and sometimes we also get it wrong, because people here also have problems like you.
Here try this website.... I found it calming just to read about other people suffering pain and trying to forgive. Here is a space you can rant and rave, you can shout and cry and let your feelings out. This is very difficult for you and we all know it, and in our small way, our opinions are meant to help and show you a way to accept and move on... Good luck babes, take care of you...
http://www.forgivenessweb.com/
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A
female
reader, pro-life +, writes (28 August 2008):
pro-life is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni owe some people some apologies also. i promised myself that i wouldnt get mad because i did ask for your answers and i knew that some would be rough but i wasnt expecting what i got that was my fault. it's just that while i was reading your helpful yet harsh responses reality hit me hard.it smacked the hekk out of me. i never looked at it the way you guys did.while your answers make sence they also hurt but i was supposed to expect that when i asked for advice. And as far as me being immature i am. im not a grown woman yet. although society labels me as an adult im still not an adult my maturity level as growing as i learn. and i long to have a better relationship with my mom i hate hating my relatives but i just cant find a way to forgive them.i want to patch things up i dont want to blame them and hate them. because i did sign the papers and i did have sex and i did slip up so i take the blame. but when your a young girl who lives with her mom and has no choice but to listen to her and follow her rules especially if u fear her. but this is one thing i can promise my deceased child my future children myself and everyone else that no matter how hard life gets abortion will never be an option and im old enough to take responsibility. sorry for that nasty ignorant out burst and ignorant bf (BITCH FIT)but this is still a touchy sensitive situation for me. thanks for the advice ad the reality slap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): Good girl Diovan! lol ;)
However I agree with taking your opinion out, particularly after what some people have said, this is our opinions and you asked for them.
We do this voluntarily, and although I do think a few owe you some apologies, its nothing to get upset about. You know what the score is, what your upset about is besides the problem. The problem is you forgiving your mum, and once you've sorted out that, I don't believe there is one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): "i fellow dickheads"...... mmmmm, ok, thanks for the update. That has answered a lot of questions, and I now have a few apologies to make...
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A
female
reader, pro-life +, writes (26 August 2008):
pro-life is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni fellow dick heads out there this is pro-life and i just turned 18 last week i was just 17 when this happened and still living with my mom under her roof and by her rules since then i have moved out into my own apartment and i am going through the first time home owners program. becoming a responsible parent would have not been an issue i was ready to face the challenges im not sure what changed her mind i was working and graduated high school with a 3.7 i will start college in january and since i was still a minor i had no say in it even after i had my baby i would still be a minor so please dont come at me like i was gonna be a irresponsible teen looking forward to be on welfare and get food stamps and all of that i grew up that way so i refuse to put my child through any of that. so please read this comment and rethink yours thnk
torn inside
pro-life
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you; what you have been through is very traumatic; to have a baby developing and growing inside you for so long created lots of hormonal changes in your body; that effected you also emotionally; to then have the baby aborted leaves you feeling empty; to make matters worse, due to sudden hormone changes it will affect your emotions once again;
It is very normal for you to feel depressed and emotionally in turmoil;
I suggest you need counseling; somebody that can help you to grief the baby that you have "lost" by abortion and to avoid you from getting more depressed.
I am not judging you for having the abortion; neither am I going to judge your mother; I am sure there are vital information that you have not submitted that have lead to the desicion and why you went along with it; but that is not relevant at this stage; I do bleieve your mother tried to act in your best interest; It might be difficult for you to accept that now, but I do hope in time you will find it in your heart to make peace with her; it is not healthy to live with hatred and bitterness inside you;
Once again, I suggest you get counseling to deal with all the emotions bottled up inside you.
You are still very young and by keeping all this hurt bottled up it will make your life miserable and you might end up a very lonely and bitter person; you need to learn to forgive yourself and your mother; you cannot live with regrets about what happened.
You cannot undone what happened but you can do what is best for your future by learning from this mistake and from learning how to deal with it in a mature way.
You are in my thoughts and prayers; I do hope you can see a counselor.
Lots of hugs and SMILES.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): In response to a post about not been a responsible adult at 18! i disagree.....okay so what about the teenage murderers who kill others in cold blood? should they not go to prison then? do we say OH dear he's only 18 they don't understand what they have done? No! we say send the little bastard to prison and kick his/her arse. Of course she knew what she was doing at 18, she just did not know the trauma and after effects she would experience. So any college student is not responsible enough to STUDY then, and become a proffessional like a nurse etc? Young men and women go to war at this age my father did jungle warfare at 18. I am not BLAMING in any way and nobody should, just that she should take personal responsibility and not blame her mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): hate and blame is quite a natural feeling you are having but be very careful because you are becoming consumed in bitterness. What happened CANNOT be changed as hard as that sounds and you must take personal responsibility for YOUR FINAL CHOICE. Your mum did not have a gun at your head did she? Did she force you to have sex too? You can not put all this guilt and blame on anyone else. You have regret but you have to deal with it yourself and come to terms with it. It is no good blaming You should not blame yourself either or be too hard on yourself. You are talking about been FORCED a lot, get stronger in your own mind and that happens when we take responsibility for our own actions. You are not a bad person for what you decided to do, so please FORGIVE YOURSELF AND your MOTHER, and move on.. like many women have to do. We can all blame and point the finger and say we had no choice. .. WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG ? WHAT CHOICE IS MADE IS MADE AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT, NOBODY ELSE CAN. I hope you are kind to yourself and your mother and hopfully one day you will be a mother yourself and God will take care of your unborn child. Nobody can throw a stone at you , only GOD! and if he loves, then he understands and he forgives, he aint about punishment and hate wanting you to spend your life in guilt.
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A
male
reader, saltwater  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 I just have to say that I disagree with a lot of people here.
At 18, you are not really an adult; nobody is.
While technically you may be classed as one, in reality nobody at 18 is a true adult; emotionally or physically.
There is this clamour nowadays that people who are 18 are big strong adults and should be responsible for everything; this is rubbish.
You're still a teenager.
Just because you had sex doesn't mean that you are mature enough to deal with the consequences...but you should have seeked out support groups.
That is the only thing you can do now.
Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I think everyone has covered pretty much everything here. I do agree that parents don't always do whats best for their kids. To be fair I'm too stubborn to do what my parents force me to do now, let alone when I'm 18.You are an adult. You can make your own decisions. This is your life, not hers or anyone else's. You don't have to not talk to anyone you want to talk to. You don't have to hide anything anymore. Your brother's girlfriend let everything out. You can't change that now. Play it to your advantage as now you can talk to your friends, other people in your family. Even possibly counselling...My concern is when you say you have no one to support you. That there is no one there for you. Not even one good friend?! What about the baby's father, what does he say about all of this?! So you don't have your mum, that is a sad story. But you have to try and pick yourself up from this.Me saying counselling is hypocritical because I would refuse to do it too. I have refused to do it. I hated it, and I didn't wanna do it. I didn't wanna do it before I went - someone let out my secret too.One visit can make you believe in something, not a religion or anything like that, just belief that there is hope. It gives you some kind of willingness, some kinda plan that you want to follow, and follow with ease.As Diovan said, support groups is another idea. I don't think you'll ever forgive your mum properly. Its not as easy as that. This is a pretty big issue.I think I've gone off topic slightly here, so just ignore irrelevant bits. I dunno whats up with me lately lolWe're all here for you,,Chris,,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I feel sorry for you, but your mom just didnt want you to ruin your life, because it really is hard to take care of a baby. (not that babies and kids ruin your life, its just your still a teen and will have no time to do ANYTHING) anyway,my mom forced me to have an abortion when i was 18 to, so being the rebel i am, i went and got pregnant again. and i wish i had not because it SOOoo hard to take care of a baby at a young age. Dont get me wrong, i love my daughter more than anything, i just wish i waited longer.. BUT as for your mom, you just have to try to let it go, she was trying to do whats best for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Sorry Askoldersister,
I've just noticed your post, I kind of missed your response cause I was trying to track down some help for this young lady who is so alone. The responsiblity thing is a biggy, and your right to point out that if she had been ready, her mother may have acted in a different way. But this lady is alone, she needs some cuddling, nobody likes to regret their decisions/circumstances this way. I'm sorry to all you guys, but you can't imagine the pain. Hopefully she'll get over it and start to be able to make choices that are totally her own one day.
Sorry dear poster. This is not the right place for you to be at the moment. We have different views and opinions on your situation, but we all wish you well, and hope you can get some relief from your pain. Contact the helpline we have given you, and maybe one day you'll come back and we will help you get strong and never allow anyone to "force" you into anything again...
Sorry for any offence caused to you and anyone else... Blessings to each and everyone who is trying to find happiness in life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I know you feel alone. No baby, no mum, no guy, nobody to hold you when you cry. No support and understanding, not even from this website... I'm sending you hugs, Big Big Hugs babes, from one woman to another. I'm thinking of your baby too... Please give these women at this website a call, they'll be able to listen and help you find a way out of your pain. They will be kind and show more understanding than we have here...Blessings...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hi darling, sorry about the baby, I can't pretend to imagine how you feel, I've never had the luxury of being pregnant.... I like babies too, I can only imagine how it feels to lose one.
Isn't it funny that you came for advice, and there are three men here talking about things they will never go through. The worse thing in the world is to give up a baby, especially once you've had it growing inside of you. I can feel your anger, I can feel your pain, I know your breaking inside, I can feel your emptiness, I feel that too sometimes..
The Wizard of Waz is right, we need to find you some support groups. Your not the only person feeling like this, there are millions of girls all over the world who are crying because they were "forced" too.. You need to talk to someone, you need to talk to someone who understands what you are feeling. I'm not the right person and neither are these "Men", they don't understand, it's not them who cries at night for the baby who was taken away...
Hi babes, I couldn't find any suitable information for your area, but there is a website full of women who are suffering like you. There are volunteers on board, they've been in your situation and they know how you feel... Please drop them a line, look at some of the information that they provide. What you are feeling is natural, it's normal to feel this way. Your hurting badly, your suffering and nobody can understand your pain. You can't keep feeling like this, you need to talk to someone who will understand more than us. Contact the people on this link, and tell them what your feeling, and how angry you are... Leave your mum untill tomorrow, because today you need to heal yourself...
http://afterabortion.com/
Chin up babes, everything will be Ok. Your mum loves you, she did what she thought was best. Your her baby and she wants you to have the best things in life. But she was wrong, very wrong to force you to do this thing. But please forgive her, your her baby, your her little girl. She did what she thought was best for you, she's a mummy too..
Check out this website and talk to the other women who had to give up their baby and suffer in pain just like you.. Big hugs, and blessings from us all. Take care of you, one day it will feel better for you.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Forced you? You were 18, old enough sex, old enough to take responsibility. There would have been places to go that could have supported you.
If you wanted the child. She could not have forced you, did you go to a clinic? You could have said that you were being forced and called the police.
Of course parents can put a lot of pressure on you, but you are an adult. Time to accept responsibilties for your own actions.
She was wrong, but you could have stood up to her, left the house and sought support. There are a LOT of groups out there willing to support young women who do NOT want to have an abortion.
Be honest with yourself, weren't you relieved that your mother took charge, now you can blame her for the abortion and still not have the child.
"so how is it that this can happen?"
You were alone in the clinic for two days, she didn't force you. You wanted to be forced so that the decision was taken away from you to have an abortion and you can now blame her for it instead of yourself.
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