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*elissa2052
writes:I lived in abusive marriage for 20 years. I finally got out of it and started a new life. But the marriage keeps haunting me. How can I turn around again to find someone to love? Reply to this Question
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reader, natasia  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Firstly, congratulations on getting your life back! This is all just the beginning. You have done the hard part ... 20 years in a kind of prison. Now you are out, but those bars have shaped how you look at the world now.It will take time, but you will get better. First, yes, get some therapy. Second, make sure you make a really, really good choice in any new man. He will probably be the single most important person, apart from yourself, in helping you get over this.And give yourself time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Get some long term help first Melissa and learn to love yourself first. The memories of 20 years of abuse will never go away. But you can come to terms with those memories in such a way that they won't haunt you anymore. That's more important Melissa and a new guy isn't going to cure that. Now if your want to be in a relationship is based on loneliness or you feel you "need" another man, then you have to move past that feeling and learn to enjoy your independence, your freedom and just being you.
As CaringGuy said you need to learn to understand and make sense of all those years Melissa because perhaps it was a need to "find someone to love" that kept you there for so long, if so then that very same need might lead you into another abusive relationship. Either way you need to make sure you know why and how things happened, learn to accept that they did and find a way to move past them.
For now Melissa, learn to be happy with you. If you're lonely then find some companionship, get some pets if you don't already have some (dogs are amazing companions), join some local walking clubs etc. go volunteer at a domestic abuse shelter (it may help you exercise some of your demons, empower you and perhaps help you make sense of your own past if you can help women who are dealing with the same thing in the present).
Put the idea of wanting to be with or needing someone to love out of your mind and learn to love instead. When you have reached the point in your life when you no longer feel that need or that loneliness, that's when you know you are ready and that's when you will be able to approach a new relationship with a sense of control and confidence, from a position of strength.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 May 2011):
Unfortunately, you can't just 'forget' abuse. If you could, life would be a billion times easier.
In a case where you have been abused, it's always best to get some kind of therapy to help you air your feelings, and to make sure you don't go through the abuse again. Those that have been abused before often go into other abusive relationships, because it's all they know. You are one of those at risk of perhaps picking another abusive man.
You need to get help for your feelings, so you understand why you stayed in an abusive marriage, and so you understand what to look for and how to deal with any other abusive people. Then, you'll be in a far more confident and better position to meet someone.
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