A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went on a date recently. I had loads of interests in common, he was attractive and he has a stable job. We have a second date. There is only one problem I found him a little boring but I find this is my fault as I normally find people boring partly as I hate small talk. My question is how do I bring out someone's interesting side? I know I should do this otherwise I'll be alone for the rest of my days. Recently I looked into big talk as a way of avoiding small talk and not losing people on the first date as I am visible bored (I can't find my boredom I never open yawn as that's rude but its obvious from my face and lack of questions-I really find it hard to fake interest). The only solution I have thought of is to completely bypass online dating and go to events for singles and just chat about things related to the event, as if I go to an event it will be something I find interesting. I need help with this been on several dates where men have said: You're too quiet, I am I boring you, why aren't you asking any questions. Also I am sure that the people I've missed out on because I looked bored might have actually been very interesting but I just didn't bring out the best (didn't ask enough/the right questions, discouraged them because of my expression and/or they were nervous as it was a first date). Was thinking of not online dating in future as it would take the stress out of the situation but probably still need tips on how too bring out the best and find a guy's interesting side. Or I may just need to find someone who is as adverse to small talk as I am. Should admit I am high autistic trait.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2017): Hi ObamaPhoneHome, its the person who asked the question I do a lot of different things I tend to find very few people interesting, but as I said I don't think I know how to ask questions which draw the interesting things out of people (I can find people more interesting if I ask the right questions but I don't always know what these are). I have been asking men about their long term goals more and the latest one said he wanted to travel, as I want to be settled its obviously a mismatch. I just don't want to go on another date and be told I look bored.
A
male
reader, ObamaPhoneHome  +, writes (14 September 2017):
Do you want your lover to entertain you? What are you really looking for? I had always thought that people who get easily bored either lack imagination or have few outside interests, but I could be wrong.
I share your view about small talk, but I find the opposite sex fascinating so I usually don't have a problem with boredom.
Perhaps you should indeed try to steer the topic to interesting topics. One of the one's that good to ask for a male is what their long term goals are? What's their plan for their lives and how do they think they are going to achieve it?
If your date has no idea about this or could care less about their future, I would seriously consider terminating things as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2017):
 Define interesting?
Maybe that will help you in your quest to find "interesting" people.
I think we are all (to a point) a bit boring. But that comes down to WHAT we find interesting.
Are YOU interesting? And how?
I think it's a really vague statement to toss out there that "oh people are so boring I can't connect".
How have you met the last couple of dates? Though apps or "conventional" dating sites or through any hobby you have?
Finding someone who shares your passion for something might be a MUCH better start - like let's say you are really into " X sport" or travel - then maybe finding someone who enjoys this will give you (at least) an "interesting" starting point. Doesn't mean you will be a better fit over all, but at least the first kind of "get to know you" conversations might not be boring.
You mention as a last little side note that you are high autistic in a trait. Yes, I do think that could have something to do with how easily you connect with others. On the other hand, it might also make you MUCH better at not trying to date someone you have absolutely nothing in common with or is attracted to. So it doesn't HAVE to be an obstacle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017): Hi its the questioner, I think you're right about asking questions about childhood or where someone grows up I find I have the most interesting conversations when I ask these questions. Also the question what is your ideal job and do you already do it is a good one-if they don't already have their ideal job its a chance for them to talk about what interests them if they do then you can ask them further questions on their work. Why did you end up in the job you are doing now, I think partly for me its getting into the practise of asking some of these questions. Also I think finding someone has different views from me is quite good as far as relationships go as I can sometimes screen out people.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (13 September 2017):
 I don't think there is an easy answer to this one! It's difficult meeting new people as it is unusual to find yourself clicking with people from Day One. Small talk gets people talking but 'big talk' can be disastrous too, as you might find you hold completely different views on politics, or whatever you talk about!
One idea might be to talk about (ask about) the person's childhood, where he grew up, his family, his school days etc. It's usually an area that people are happy to open up about and is more interesting than talking about the weather or last night's TV!
Good luck - you will know when you meet someone you get on with!
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