A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my partner now 10 months. He is great with my son who Is 5 yrs old and we live together now.we seem to get into arguments because of me I admit that.i have a very hard time letting go over some past things and I no that I shouldnt be like this but from my perspective ive been cheated on in 3 past relationships and I have alot of trust problems because of it. He knows all about my past including when I was raped at a young age.he is very patient with alot of things but the problem is he is barely around he does alot of sport and I obviously have my son whom takes up my time and taking him to his fathers every weekend its like we cant find a balance so I feel like he just abandones me alot. Its getting to the stage where im finding it hard to accept his sports even tho it was fine before.i find that because of his ex gf whom he was with for 5 yrs. let him do whatever and were so incompatible that she has screwed up his thoughts on what a relationship really is. I do really love him im just finding it hard to find a balance with him and trying to trust him.i do trust him but wen things come up its like my trust for him disappears depending on the situation.for example he decides to go out of the blue to melbourne to visit family but doesnt tell me he is going or invite me. But tells me via text msg. Yet we hav talked about marriage,kids and everything.he says he loves me we hav a good balance with living together like house hold chores and stuff he helps with everything and i love him so much.Im trying not to be clingy or annoy him to much as im afraid he will either cheat or just leave like everyone else has. Does anyone have any suggestions of finding that balance in a relationship or does it just take time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2014): You know, it takes time to see what kind of person he truly is, but the balance you need to find is within yourself. You're tripping out on him and in the end, you're the one who is treating him badly. Love isn't about changing a person or trying to make that person treat us according to our own ways, but loving them for who they are and appreciating the way they choose to express it on their own. You're overlooking the fact that he cares enough to take on your "baggage", if you will, and you're forgetting who you were before those three guys messed up your perspective- before the baggage came along. Don't be the cause of this guy's future baggage!
People like to think they give 100% to keeping a guy happy enough to commit to us, but really a lot of the time we are giving 100% to trying to make them make us happy or to changing them into who we need for the sake of not letting our baggage go. Any changes you try to encourage in him should be sincerely for his benefit, like setting goals or making good decisions. To really be putting in effort, try biting your tongue and seeing things for what they really are and learning to accept things other people, such as him, decide to do. He talked to another girl? That's life. He went to his mom's without you? That's life. He has a sports hobby he really likes, support him with it. You have it in your head that these things have a whole different meaning other than typical for any typical person to do. I was like that in my early twenties. I'm 25 now. Now when I'm with someone, I'm not the girl who wigs out on him for petty things, it is what it is. He will cheat or he wont. I'm the girl who will rub his back each night even when my emotions are doing their own thing and I have no desire to touch the guy. I say sorry when I should and I accept his view points even when they are different than my own. I'm consistently aiming to make him happy. Why? Because if he screws that up, he has to live with it, not me. But if I treat him less than 100, then I have to live with that. Your goal should be to always aim to keep him happy, not make him earn happiness when he's around you or bring him down because he didn't do it your way. Bring him up and hold him up, and let that be the way you are even when it's the hardest times to do it. That's why it's called "effort"; it's not suppose to be easy. But if aimed towards the right things, it can pay off more for you later on. If a guy is a cheater, than he's a cheater. All you can do is be the girl who knows how to treat a guy right so that you have no regrets and so you can honestly tell yourself you don't deserve to be played and it would be their loss if they did, not yours. This doesn't prevent a guy from cheating on you, nothing entirely does. But it does make a guy appreciate you for being one of the few girls that actually can control their emotions and focus on his needs. Believe me, once I started applying this concept, any guy who screwed up since wishes they had another chance with me after dealing with the more emotional females out there other than myself. It's all about logic over emotions.
You can't be a nickle looking for a dime; that goes for personality too! You bite your tongue and he continues to pick sports over you.. let him decide on his own that it's wrong. A relationship is more than a recreational activity or personal benefit, it's actually something that helps us grow. Just like when we interact with family growing up, we continue to grow mentally as we interact through relationships in our adult lives. Just like you have your faults, he isn't going to be perfect either. He doesn't give you affection or has an attitude when he comes home one night? He says hi to a girl to be polite or gives his friend more talk during a group conversation? Ignore it. It's a lot pettier than being played and it's really something most people can do at the same time as loving their significant others with all of their heart. Give him room to make petty mistakes, while still supporting him as a person.. and always, ALWAYS aim to make him happy, not because he deserves it, but because it's the type of girl you want to be. Neither person can win in an argument; it's the relationship that wins or loses. Revenge and anger cause more damage to a relationship than does sucking up the petty stuff, not letting emotions pull you out of character, and being the girl who doesn't overlook the fact that he has feelings and pride too.
Best of luck to you, and remember that we all deal with insecurities at some time in our lives, even those who don't show it. Just look around you. You're 22-25 years old. One day when your appearance and physical abilities decline, you'll look back and give anything to be the way you are now. Love yourself and make the most of you while you're this age, rather than spending the whole time dwelling on who else you'd rather be. Some people have flaws so serious that they can't even find love in their prime. Count your blessings.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 You need to seriously sit down and think clearly what you want in your life. You need to let go of the past. If your past was bad...why oh why do you want to hold on to it and let it control your future??? If you can not trust yourself to be with other people, then you can never trust them. If your son is the most important man in your life, then live with that for now, until you meet the right man who has what you need. You will meet men, but if you are not balance yourself, how do you expect to find balance through someone else??Your past does not matter...it is the past...what you do in the future means you have learned from the past...and if you met three men who cheated...you still haven't learned a key factor. I bet if you looked at all three men, they all have the same characteristics. One day at a time...live, learn, laugh :)
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