A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently me and my husband had a romantic night in together, the night went well, it was on the day after Boxing Day. We had a lovely dinner and a romantic day in; the dinner was candlelit and my husband cooked it, not me!We were discussing each other's likes and fetishes when we were in bed (actually in bed at the time), and I was stunned to find he had none, except being put in shock or stunned, he told me "in shock like a road accident victim.".He said he can't explain why he has this fetish, he just does, and wants me to give it to him. Other than that he has no other fetishes, isn't even turned on by me in costumes, and doesn't look at porn (unless you count the fashion catalogues, but are they porn really?)I refused, saying it was wrong to find being in shock good, but he wants me to give it to him. What if he ends up in hospital as a result? Isn't this lethal?He wants me to try and help him get in shock, but I've refused out of concern for his health.He is a loving man, romantic, and kind, faithful, dedicated to me so no question of him cheating on me or going off with prostitutes etc.I don't understand why he does this; talking to him just got the "I can't explain" response. I was understanding and nonjudgmental when we were talking, listening rather than speaking.What should we do, any advice on handling this situation? I appreciate the help seeing as this is sensitive.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 As an openly kinky person, I'm going to try and use my experience to help you.What it sounds like he's describing is a term that kinky people call "Subspace".http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_%28BDSM%29Generally speaking, with an experienced partner, it's perfectly harmless, but since you are not experienced in this, I suggest that if you want to explore this with him, you two seek out an experienced mentor who can help you two, and show YOU how to bring your husband into subspace.If you're not already a member, may I suggest you [message me for a website url--the link leads to a NSFW set of images--mod] I'm on there as well. It's an excellent resource for people like us to meet other kinky people, share knowledge and socialize. If you have any other questions feel free to ask. I'm here to help.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2013):
 He has a Paraphilia
http://www.psychologistanywhereanytime.com/sexual_problems_pyschologist/psychologist_paraphilias_list.htm
perhaps you two could ROLE play the desire vs actually doing it?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 December 2013):
Dear OP,
Talking about a fetish is really, really hard. So your husband opening up to you shows me that he wants to have a very true and intimate relationship with you.
Of course you can think he's weird, but fetishes just "happen". Developmental psychology suggests that most fetishes are developed at a child's age, around the age of 5-8. Some parts of the child's brain are activated simultaneously, for instance because the child is excited about a newly discovered object or sensation, causing a sudden and strong association between some mostly random stimulus (like e.g. a mild electrical shock) and an emerging sexual feeling from the excitement over this stimulus (children do have sexual feelings, though they aren't as developed as adults). Some people can remember when in childhood they developed the fetish, others can't.
The childhood origins explain why fetishes often make no sense to us as grown ups or seem very weird, but they can't be changed. They often include an object or act that people find new, exciting or exotic as a child, e.g. high heeled shoes, mothers' clothes, rubber, punishment, role play with some other children.. or even their own diapers (or excrements). They shouldn't be judged in a moral manner, as if an adult had consciously chosen them. Of course, there are people who develop and reinforce their fetishes later in life, e.g. through excessive porn consumption. But most people can't get rid of the fetish they have, no matter how "weird" they find it themselves. It's a very early learned sexual response to an object that just can't be undone.
He says it's his fantasy to be shocked/stunned. This is a FANTASY. Before you assume he really wants to be dangerously hurt, explore how far he wants to go or how many things he has already tried. Maybe he'd already be happy if you put some electrodes on his body and gave him a mildly painful electric impulse. Maybe he just wants to try out how it would feel to be shocked - a little - and then would find it's not all that great as it was in his fantasies. Maybe there's a not-so-dangerous way to stun him. Make him talk some more about it and maybe you find an easy way to experiment in a safe way.
You are faced with an important choice in your marriage life. Your husband gave you a great power over him. You know about an important secret. There's many way you could really hurt him now - denying him anything, judging him, even talking about him with your friends and telling them how weird he is. But there's also many ways in which you can really make him happy - already by being interested, open-minded and patient.. and discreet.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 OK he wins my wierdo of the month club. I'm Shocked! I guess you could buy a stun gun and have a fun time or drop a radio in the tub and wait for the orgasm. I'm stumped.Help is out there in a white coat somewhwere. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): I guess it depends how far he is trying to push you into it. I mean, if you had not had that comversation , you would not have known, and the possibility is, that he would not have asked you or told you as it does not seem to be that important to him. You can only see how serious he is if he keeps on and on pushing you over nad over whic I have a feeling he won't do. To be honest, there are worse fetishes than this. I wouldn;t take it too seriously if I was you and I certainly would not let it change my view of him. That fetish is just an intrusive thought which we all have, and I don;t know what he is like, but he amy push for it more and more if he sees how mcuh it unerves you!! I would play it right down and next time he mentions it say' What? oh that silliness' and change the subject. That should stop him in his tracks. I really would not take it too much on board. he;s not horrid, it;s just a bit of a nuts idea and nothing he would carry though.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 December 2013):
 You're right to be concerned, and especially right to not grant that fetish to him, because being in shock is the body's way of coping with physical or emotional shutdown, and YES, it could be fatal. People have died from asphyxiation or dropping blood pressure, the two most common shock inducers. YOU would be on your way to prison for murder or at the very least manslaughter for your part in an accident.
If he's becoming obsessed with that, it may be time for the two of you to talk to a therapist. I understand your desire to keep him safe, and this isn't some harmless fetish like wanting to ejaculate on your shoes or smelling panties or whatever.
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