A
male
age
41-50,
*_quiet_one
writes:I don't know how to describe this, exactly, but here goes: it took a long time for me to come to grips with the fact that I, as a man who was raised in such a manner that I could not raise my hand in violence to a woman under any circumstances, was raped by a woman who was used to getting her own way by any means, includng violence. I had been abstinent until then, believing that the same rule for sexuality should apply to both genders equally (and I wanted to get married as, and to, a virgin). After it happened I kinda fell apart for a while (read: years), but am trying to get back on the path. I was 20 then, and am 31 now.Is it at all reasonable, or at least understandable, that I still want to get married to a virgin, even though I'm not one anymore?If so.... how would I find one since it seems that most girls lose it in high school?
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male
reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (31 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You, Aunty_Rach. I can honestly say that I don't recall the "purity pledge" being much of an issue when I was still in school. For me, however, it was never an issue. I was very religious, and even had it been an option, I probably would not have taken it. It would have been kind of redundant considering my upbringing (as in Duh, of coure I'm waiting!).
It seems like a non-issue to me since the "abstinence only education" is only very loosely connected with the "purity pledge", and those who would, will anyway, pleadge or no, and the opposite is also true. My roommate, however, reminds me that a lot of teenagers are searching for their identities, and it might actually help them with an identity issue: for them to be able to say one thing definitely, that they will wait until marriage. I happen to agree that the purity pledge may not help the vast majority of them. For that reason, while I agree with the pledge for those few who it will help, I also advocate a decent sex-ed program. I'll brag about my Dad's indulgence of my curiosity here: while he did not allow me to take the sex-ed classes at school, we went to the library and got me so many books on the subject, that I was the best educated "kid" in the class when the tests came around. OK we just got waaaaaaaaaaay off of the original subject... but isn't it fun?
To anonymous: I'm glad that it's an inspiration for your daughter... I hope she grows up well and finds a man worthy of her. Obviously she is getting the right parenting. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): The purity promise in USA is very inspiring for my daughter, she wants to wait for her husband-to-be. She's very cute in that she writes letters to her 'unknown' husband.
Our country is flooded with sex everywhere, so many teenagers just give it up and regret it later.
Your upbringing has alot to do with it too.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (30 January 2009):
well good luck in finding someone if you are looking for someone. and all i can say is that the whole purity pledge thing in the USA does not seem to help kids by the sounds of it. good luck to them too.
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male
reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (30 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty_Rach, not everyone knows what seems to us to be common knowledge. For example: I know several girls, and a few guys who believed that a girl couldn't get pregnant on her first time... and learned the truth of it to their chagrin. I believe it would have been stupid of me to assume that you had foreknowledge when so many, even today, are (or rather were until it happened) unaware of it... though how they remained unaware I can't even guess, perhaps it has something to do with the taboo nature of the subject here in America, or the "abstinence only education" policy that many schools have adopted. My best female friend wasn't taught about sex at all in the High School she attended in Montana, thankfully the schools she had attended in California earlier started their sex-ed classes in 5th grade. It would be nice if we all had access to the kind of sexual education classes they have there in the UK.For the record, I never thought for a moment that a girl's first time would be sweet and wonderful and blissful ecstacy. From comparison to what other women have told me, though, your first time seems to have been unusually painful. Maybe they downplayed it while talking to me.So, yes, that answers my questions. And Yes, I can see that a woman's first time can be horrible, rather than just painful, even with a gentle and caring man. My best woman friend didn't have a horrible first time, just a bit painful one, so I hope I find a woman more like her.... only available.
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reader, aunty_rach +, writes (29 January 2009):
what a stupid thing to say. of course i knew it would hurt, he knew it would hurt, he was gentle and slow. but the reason i say it was horrid, was because compared to other times it was. as it hurt! so therefore i am glad the first time was with him. as he ended up being a cock! he didn't end it during or after sex. it was a mutual break up. does that answer your questions?!?
when you say that every womans first time will be painful, but shouldn;t be horrible....well i'm sorry but if something causes that much pain, how can it be enjoyable and nice? you will never understand this as you are a man. so it will be hard for you to think that a woman could possibly find first time sex as something horrible. there is nothing that nice about it, you have a stinging pain which i can;t even describe. it hurts everytime he goes in alittle more, you have no way of actually cumming as you can;t get turned on by it. you are just wishing he would hurry up and cum. yes he did say if it gets too much he will stop! but the longer you try it, the pain eases a little.
also the following day you hurt! it's not awful, but it still is sore and it puts you off sex for a few days.
so yes the first time was horrible. for all the reasons above. it had nothing to do with him. he was fine at the time and was a gentleman.
hope that gives you your answers and an insight into why a woman's first time can be horrible even though she could be with someone who is caring and loving.
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male
reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (29 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntie_Rach, I don't see how what I said could be construed as saying that you didn't trust him... rather that you did, and that kind of trust is so special as to be almost sacred. So the questions I have are: did you know it would hurt when you did it? Did he? Did he know the kind of pain you were in and simply not care? At what point did the relationship end: during, right after, a week after, a month? If you didn't know it would hurt, when it did, did you ask him to stop? If you knew that it would hurt the first time, and decided to do it anyway what does that say?
I would say that if he knew and did not care that you were in pain then that was a serious breach of the trust you gave him, if he simply did not know, then he should have been more empathetic to your situation. I cannot help but think there is some additional reason you seem to dislike him now... though that's just a guess.
I cannot know the exact pain involved from your standpoint. I do know my own mind and heart, however. If I was going to do something that would hurt me the first time, I'd want to love the person doing it with me, and for them to love and care about me, to stop if I asked, and to be gentle and loving both during and after: I'd want to know that they felt for me and my pain. Maybe I'm just a romantic dreamer.
I know that every woman's first time (with a very few exceptions) is going to be painful, but I don't believe that means it has to be horrible. I understand, considering your experience, if you see it differently, and I'm happy for you if you're happy with the way things worked out in your life. May your life be filled with joy.
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female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (28 January 2009):
are you saying i didn't trust the guy? of course i trusted him, why would i have slept with him if i didn't. at the time he was great and i was falling for him. your reply does not make much sense. whether i had been with a random guy or a bf, the first time still would have been awful. it still hurts like hell and is not enjoyable. it does not matter who you are with. the vagina is still being stretched and that hurts!
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male
reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (28 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Aunty_Rach: I don't think that it was truly intended to disparrage, but rather to make me feel better. I'm sorry about your horrible first time. If you're glad it happened that way now, then good for you. As to Why should it matter: To me, there is something sacred in the trust that a woman gives her first time. I do not believe it is wrong to desire that trust. Oddly enough, when that which should only ever be given freely is taken by force, that trust *can be* even more profound in the recovering victim once she finally chooses to do so. And it is difficult to be disappointed when you've been disillusioned.To the anonymous wqriter of "...And now you don't want to spend the rest of your life suffering internally for it...": Thank you, I've been looking for the words that go with that feeling for a long time now, and those are Spot On. I think you're probably right that if the gender roles were reversed the answers would be far different... that and if a girl under those circumstances wanted a virgin guy, I know a few, and could introduce them. Thank You again, your understanding words are a real comfort.To the female anonymous reader: I wouldn't take it personally, I don't believe that it was intended to be insulting, but rather to make me feel better, hopeful even... look at the last line for what I think was that post's real intention.Thank you planepocket, I didn't know such a site existed.
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male
reader, planepocket +, writes (21 January 2009):
How about at church?Or a dating site like this one?
http://www.celibatemate.com/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): "Don't give up your dreams because of people who 'wished' they would've saved themselves and put you down to make themselves feel better."
A lot of assumptions have been made... we could all be virgins, we could all be happily married virgins, it's not good to look down on people, not very Christian at all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): What if this was a girl who was raped, and asking if she could still be considered a virgin and want a fellow virgin guy? I doubt it would be the same set of responses.
I strongly disagree with the "Sexual therapist" answer on January 18.
That sounds like someone who was looking for a reason to blame you for your feelings about virginity. I think they were making a statement about their opinion of your values, not thinking much about what's best for YOU at all.
It sounds to me like you already had an opinion about virginity all along. Then you were violated against your will. And now you don't want to spend the rest of your life suffering internally for it by compromising your original set of values.
Finding a virgin? Good luck. Most virgin women your age are very religious as their motivation. I don't know what else to tell you.
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female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (21 January 2009):
"who 'wished' they would've saved themselves and put you down to make themselves feel better"
i'm sorry but i don't believe that people were trying to say this. i personally am glad that i lost my virginity to my ex, as it was a horrible experience, as it hurt and was well just uncomfortable and bloody awful and would not like to associate it with someone who i love. but each to their own. i think people were just trying to say that should it really matter? after all he could fall for someone and then find out she is not a virgin, then would it matter? sure if you do find someone who is saving herself then that's great. but don't let yourself become dissapointed.
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reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (21 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You, Anonymous. The rarity of such women makes them even more special, and I'm sure that the Hand of Providence has better plans for them than me. None-the-less, I shall continue in the best ways I know how, aspire and work towards being the best I can, and pray, as you suggest, hoping with all my heart for the best.
Thank You All. May the Light Shine upon you in your hour of need, as You have Shone your Light upon Me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): It IS possible to find a virgin. I've read about quite a few on this site. Don't give up your dreams because of people who 'wished' they would've saved themselves and put you down to make themselves feel better. There are woman out there that value their virginity...feel it's sacred...and only want to share it with their husband. God hears your prayers, and he wants to give you the desires of your heart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Mr Quiet One, might your search for a virgin be a way of avoiding commitment with an adult woman, after the trauma you have suffered. There are no perfect people, please remember that. A virgin woman might not be pure, she just might not have had the opportunities to indulge. Or a virgin may actually hate sex and that's why she remains a virgin, what happens then. Yes, you can spend your life looking for the perfect woman, but your already 30years old, will you spend the rest of your life in this fruitless search?
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reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (18 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. I really wish I had titled this one myself instead of leaving it up to the DearCupid staff. The imporatant question was "is it reasonable or at least understandable...?" The follow-up of "how do I find one" was only dependant upon the first answer.To MutantKitten: actually, I have given serious thought to the question of rape victims. A woman who believes that the maelstrom of hormones that drive sexuality are not a toy but who got raped is as blameless as a baby. Someone who had been raped but chooses me fot their first Voluntary activity would be the same in my eyes as a woman who lost her hymen in an accident, or simply wasn't born with one (and it might just save us both the pain and bleeding that would usually accompany the tearing of the hymen). Thank you for your suggestion of religion... it might be worth checking out. :)To PunkyPippi: Thank you. I was indeed raised that way, as a Christian. Making Friends in that circle again is a very good idea.To elisa_lee: "not as I hoped"? That is an almost comical understatement along the same lines that the WTC Twin Towers had only "Slight Structural Damage", but your point is taken. You're probably right that it won't happen, but you answered the more important of the two questions, and I thank you. If it doesn't happen, then so be it. I may have some scars on my heart, but it beats just fine alone. I will continue to make a home ready to receive whatever woman I get together with. Virginity is not the end-all or be-all of my search, but it would be nice to get at least one thing in my life that I sacrifice for, because if the mythical Heavens are like this, then what's the point in going?To bummed_out: 4 questions? I like you already for that, I Love Questions. I will answer your first two questions with a single word, followed by some exposition: No. While I doubt I would get that far with a woman wthout having covered that subject, if I fell in love with one, knowing that she wasn't one, it wouldn't matter to me because I would be going into it with foreknowledge, if, on the other hand, she had, in our earlier conversations, led me to believe that she was a virgin and the answer was truthfully that she was not, then I would have some serious reservations about her honesty. I doubt I would pursue a relationship beyond friendship with a woman who was not a virgin. But, you never know, there are some very special women out there. Your last two questions are easier: so in reverse order, not that many, and quite possibly a very long time, if ever. I am a patient soul, though, and some things are worth waiting for. By that I mean the Right Woman, not necessarily a virgin one, though again, that would be nice.To aunty_rach: I think I've actually answered above everything you've said, I none-the-less thank you most sincerely for your good wishes.To Dr_Vendetta: Your type of scorn is exactly what I expected to find. This is why I kept what happened to me secret for so long. Please learn to read and write in understandable english, typos are to expected occasionaly, but seriously... Muslims that desire that, meaning seventy-two (72) virgins in the afterlife, seem to want seventy-one(71) more virgins than I ever have, meaning I only ever wanted one (1). The far more important question, which you ignored, was whether is was reasonable, or at least understandable, for me to desire one to wife. One can infer from your answer these things: you would consider that a man cannot get raped, and morality has no meaning in your world-view. So, thank you for your input, it is exactly what I expected to hear from the beginning, thank goodness that most people here are more understanding than I expected.To pvtguy: Thank You. I found your first response to be dismissive and scornful, but this answer shows me something far different. For the record, I know that it's not particularly realistic to expect. I more wanted to know if I was crazy for still wanting it. Yes, I believe you're right about humans being naturally disinclined to nurture healthy relationships the way we ought to. I was taught by my father about the way we're supposed to be, and while his answers were not always right, and not always practical, his heart was in the right place. Because of his beliefs, telling him about what happened to me was quite possibly the hardest conversation I'd ever had with him... that was only in July of last year. I didn't think anyone would understand, least of all him. But telling him began to heal the rift that had grown over the last 11 years. I see what you're saying: Those who do not learn the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them. Parents may or may not teach but from the opposite angle: most of the youth today ignore the wisdom of their elders, forgetting or ignoring that their elders were once young, too, or feel that the world is "too different" for that wisdom to have any bearing. If I keep on this track, I'll be going way off subject, but you have succintly put into words how my father taught me. How to know and love and forgive one's self, and how to know and love and forgive others, knowing that, because I aspire to the very best, and often fail, I cannot hold others to the same standards that I fall short of without being a hypocrite. This also allows me to see what others aspire to, and help them to get back up if they lapse or fall short. Mutual assistance within a diverse community is a good thing... all roads may lead to Rome, but not everyone on the road is going there, and if someone going to Naples gets a flat, are you going to spurn them because they're not headed where you are? OK... So as I said... way off subject.Second-best? Yeah, maybe, but finding someone who shares your values to share your life is very important, regardless of what they are.To the creeped-out anonymous: Thank you, I'm sorry that you're a bit creeped out. Of course, you bring up good points. To be clear, I *demand* nothing. Virginity is only one trait among many that I seek, and like *most* of them, it is not necessarily a deal-breaker. To consider your point of reciprocity: when you get a job, you agree to work for certain compensation, perhaps with other benefits, if you're cheated out of them you have recourse, if are robbed, you still have a job to get more. When you follow a religion that *supposedly* believes in certain values/virtues, should you not reasonably expect that *most* of your other followers will live by those values/virtues, even if you have the fruits of your faith stolen? Is it not reasonable to expect hypocrisy is the exception, rather than the rule? I would hope that, but it seems that even that is too much to ask.To the anonymous sex therapist: No offense intended to your schooling or the degree you earned, but it seems that you're suggesting something heinous. I desire to be freely given that which I would never take by force. You suggest that I want to take by force that which should only ever be freely given. If you'll follow this analogy, that's like someone who wants to build a house because his home was bombed secretly wanting that because he wants to bomb another's house... or a man who got mugged who is begging for cab fare home because he secretly wants to mug someone for the money, instead. In simple terms, I will take no for an answer a thousand, even ten thousand times (poetic term for as many times as it takes), rather than become the kind of person who hurt me. No means no, no exceptions. If it never happens, it never happens, so be it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): I'm a sexual therapist. I think that your problem is definitely linked with your early sexual encounter. Your desire for a virgin is linked closely to wanting to overpower a women and I believe is purely sexual. You subconciously desire to break into her body, in reality quite violently to regain control over your masculinity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Sorry about your past experience, but what you are asking for kinda creeps me out. Your a man in your 30's, it's hard to find a virgin woman of your age, so your thinking about picking up a younger woman, because age, doesn't matter to you, just sexual experience. You've had sex, your older, why should any young woman pick you, rather than another virgin like herself. You can't offer virginity, but you demand it. What happened to wanting a nice, kind woman, a woman with morals or a woman who looks good. If all you want in life is a virgin wife, then I feel sorry for whoever you choose. When the virginity is gone, what happens next, you won't have anything in common to help the marriage to survive. Good luck with your search, church or an ad in the newspaper is probably best for you.
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (18 January 2009):
 male United States age 30-35, a_quiet_one writes: "How do I find a virgin?"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHJSADKSFDFSDUHJIFDSAHAHASHSJHSJHSAHAAHAHAHAHAH... no no wait... i'm not done Holding my sides yet.Ha.is it April fools day already?What if you "Virgin"..*ppffft* mate doesn't want a nearly 35 year old man? i can but onyl assume you want someone around their 20's which.. i'm sure there are a few of them... however are these virgins likely to be interetsed in someone almost 15 years older than them... maybe? but unlikely.If you've been single for a fair while and its because you're waiting for a virgin.. then you're in for a long wait.If an intact hymen is more important that the person you want to marry then try going to sex change hospital and ask them for a hymen in a jar as its probably the best you're going to get. Stop being so damned picky, try finding a little perfection in inperfection.and in closing. "muslims that desire that want 72 more virgins"more like a 72 year old virgin.
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reader, aunty_rach +, writes (18 January 2009):
the only slight problem is, is that if you did fall for someone there is no certainty that she is a virgin, especially as you are in your early 30's. maybe you need to try and get past wanting a virgin. i can understand where you are coming from and what you had to go through was horrid and out of your control, but you are a strong survivor and if you can get through the last 10 or so years then you can overcome your feeling of needing to be with a virgin. like i said before would you be dissapointed if the girl you did find was not a virgin, would you leave her because of that? you need to concentrate on finding someone who will help you with your sexlife and will understand what you have been through. take it one step at a time. good luck and i hope everything works out for you.
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reader, bummed out +, writes (18 January 2009):
When you meet a woman that you fall in love with and find out she isn't a virgin will you leave her?
If you find someone that makes you want to spend forever with her can you give her up because she may have had sex before?
if one in one thousand women are a virgin think of how long it will take you to find one.
How many women do you meet in one years time?
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reader, elisa_lee +, writes (18 January 2009):
 I'm sorry that your first sexual intercourse was not as you hoped for it to be. Given that, I can understand why you might feel like you still want what you expected, for two people to share the discovery of that intimacy together in the sort of "pure" way that religion glorifies.
But it will not happen for you. Don't worry so much about virginity, just find someone who takes physical intimacy seriously and hasn't had a lot of partners - that is a more reasonable expectation. And I think with someone like that, who does take it seriously as an expression of love and commitment, that is probably just as good. I suggest you think more about just falling in love with someone who to some extent shares or understands your values and experiences - focus on other traits you want in a woman, the parts of a person that really make you fall in love with them don't usually have much to do with how much sex they've had in the past.
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reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (18 January 2009):
 I can understand why it's important to you because it's been ingrained into your psyche for so long that that is way you think life is supposed to be.The best thing you can do is befriend people who have the same values as you and hope for the best.
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reader, MutantKitten  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 umm...what if they were raped too? does that make them less valuable to you? I think what you want is a truly religious woman. It shouldn't matter if she made a mistake in the past, found 'the path' as you put it later in life after she had had sex, or was traumatized in her youth in the same way you were?
You should be looking to find someone who is compatible with you in all the other ways that matter. And hey, a really religious woman might just be a virgin, too.
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reader, a_quiet_one +, writes (18 January 2009):
a_quiet_one is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You, satindesire, you're right, there is no "virgins only" dating service online... and certainly being honest with women is the only way to get anywhere... but so far, no such luck. I fear that I may simply be too old for to find one... especially since I'm not into school-girls (college age is OK with me, though).To pvtguy: apparently you mistake a hymen for virginity... they are not the same thing. Being a virgin means that you have NEVER HAD SEX, and the term applies equally to both genders. Even the possibly mythological "Virgin Mary" could have lost her hymen to any number of accidents before being chosen by God. And muslims that desire that want 71 more virgins than I could ever desire.You asked: What does it mean to me to have a virgin? It means that someone, who holds their virtue as something of worth, and morals as something more than a plot device for dilemmas in movies, will have chosen me, a man who while not flashy or rich is honest, to give the honour of her first time... and her hand in marriage.As to why I find virginity an appealing trait? Removing religious reasons, it is simple to explain. There is the natural desire for sex in the human animal, from the evolutionary point of view "the traits that encourage reproduction are the traits most likely to be reproduced", but we are also beings of thought. To willfully refrain from reproductive activity until you find someone who you might truly want to produce offspring with is a triumph of the intellect over the animal. It is an act of volition, or willfull consideration. I find that an attractive trait in people in general, and one I attempt to live in every aspect of my life. Why then should I want less from a potential mate?Thank You to emporessmystique for you input. You asked: is it that important? I don't know. People are told to "follow their dreams", but if they say that getting married to, and as, a virgin is one of their goals, or their dreams, a lot of people laugh, and at my age (31) some people think that I'll be cruising junior-high schools for potentials. I have to say that that is creepy! Age doesn't matter all that much to me, but I would like a certain amount of maturity: old enough to drink (even if they don't drink) isn't a necessity, but old enough to vote is! You're right, it's not classy at all to simply ask random women if they are virgins. When I do broach the subject, it's after I've gotten to know them at least a little, and I don't come right out and ask, it's when we're discussing what we're looking for in a relationship. Maybe I should take out that ad you've suggested, or maybe just give up. I've never been a quitter, though, and I feel like if I just give up, then the woman who did what she did to me wins by succeeding in taking away a dream.It is sometimes difficult to know when to cut your losses where a life-dream that goes so deep is concerned. I do know that it will not be an easy quest. Thank You for your Good Wishes.
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