A
male
age
,
*andsomestranger
writes:She was married to her second husband for 18 years. She loved him deeply. She is a sensitive woman whom loves with all her heart. During their union, she had a rare liver disease and underwent 2 liver transplants. The first was rejected. Afterwards, he was later diagnosed with ALS. She cared for him in home for around 3 years until the day came and she had to make the decision to pull his life support. She has lived in depression for these last 10 years after his death. Six years ago, she was found to have cancer in both kidneys and underwent a kidney transplant.We found each other this past August. And connected very well. A friend of hers pushed her very hard and encouraged her to meet new people. She was spiraling downward quickly I'm told. She balked but humored her girlfriend. And found me. She approached me. Her family and friends approve of me. They all think I'm very good to, and, for her. Things were great with us until the holidays approached. This time of year brings many memories and emotional pain for her. She asked me why is it she is still here and others have already passed. This holiday season was especially hard. Her first husband, her ex husband unexpectedly died. She worried, grieved for her 2 kids( both grown, in their 30's and pretty close to their dad), and her daughters, in law cousin committed suicide days ahead of Christmas. I gave her a pink snow globe/music box with an angel inside for Christmas. She gave me clothes and a little stuffed dog for my 1 yr. old great nephew. A few days ago she told me she thought she could handle us being together but is struggling with internal, emotional conflict. She thinks she is considering counseling to help her. She lets me call her, but will not let me see her. I call once, every day. I let her know I love her, and will always stand by her. She is on a roller coaster of emotion. One day she sounds good, the next, I fear she's going to tell me to take a hike and not come back. How do I fight to keep her? I know she loves me, but the pain she still carries from her loss husband10 years ago is still so strong. She now feels as though she's cheating on him, and betrayed him. She told me the other day, she has so many conflicting emotions running through her, that she can't handle it. I do love her. I'm afraid she will cut me loose, and go back into her depression.How do I fight for her? She's 59, I'm 52. Thank You.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (1 April 2015):
Giving all three of those gifts might be a bit too much.
Choose ONE of them and keep it small.
If you're meeting at a restaurant - flowers are bit of a pain because they get in the way at the table unless it's just a single flower.
Why not a very small box of good quality easter chocolates. Small enough to be put into a handbag.
And take it slow.... she's asked to meet you again but she hasn't said that she wants to rekindle the relationship yet. Coming on too strong with truck loads of gifts will be off-putting. And you'll feel a complete twit if you arrive laden with gifts and you then find out that this meet up is about her telling you that she doesn't think things will ever work out between you.
Good luck
A
male
reader, handsomestranger +, writes (31 March 2015):
handsomestranger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: I haven't seen her in several months. With Easter right around the corner, SHE asked if I would like to go out with her. We're going to meet at a pizzeria for supper. Would it be too forward to give her an Easter card, a bouquet of flowers and a box of assorted chocolates?
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (31 January 2015):
 I agree on encouraging her to seek out councelling, sometimes talking things out with an unbias third party is just the medicine anyone needs to start to heal. She deserves to be happy and it is hard to snap out of a sad mindset with so much hurt in her life and I imagine she is scared of losing you and doesn't want to commit to anything because she is just very broken. IF she wants you to cut down on calls and what not then I would do that, but if she is ok with you calling daily then go with that, too. Make it known that you are there for her if she needs you but do give her the space she needs at the same time Give her a little room to breathe and to think about what she wants and who knows what the future might bring. This time of year, January, is a very hard time of year for anyone and so if you can make it a few months out of winter and towards some hope, happiness and sunnier dispositions then you might just have a chance. I think you are wonderful for sticking by her and hope it works out for you both!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): I agree with Honeypie - you need to encourage her to have the counselling she is currently only talking about/considering. Counselling will help her with so many things - the grief, the guilt, the control of the memories.
But be aware that this all may take her some time, perhaps years. So in the meantime, be her friend, be her rock, but don't push for a deeper relationship. If you two are meant to have a relationship, it will come. This woman is fragile and isn't coping very well at the moment and it is so good that you understand this and want to help.
So stand by her and be patient. I wish you both all the luck in the world.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2015):
 Encourage her to seek the counseling she is talking about. So many people "think" about counseling, but they DON'T actually do it.
I don't think there is much you CAN do FOR her, other then BE there and support her. But even then, at some point you need to put yourself first too.
Take the pressure off and offer friendship? If you can handle that. I think overall she needs a friend a LOT more than a BF.
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