A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I need some advice on my selfish personality traits. My partner has a very large family and whilst I get on with them I wouldnt say I was extremely close to anyone but his mother. I wouldn't exactly say they were a close family but when something bad happens they all seem to thrive off the drama. Me and my partner have been together for 5 years. Anyway, my boyfriends father has sufferered a heart attack. He is in the hospital for the foreseeable future. I spent 11 hours by my boyfriend and his family's side in the hospital. They all came together after I had been there for about ten hours and completely pushed me out. I understand that they were worried and wanted to see him, but I was bit disappointed when they asked me to leave and sit by myself In a hospital corridor for an hour as there was too many by the bedside. As he is in hospital for the forseeble future(estimated 2 months for rehab) my partner will be visiting everyday. Visiting is 7-9 and he has asked me to go to the hospital with him. However, as I am not family I would not like to take another family members side at his bed as I know this would cause problems in his family. He agreed that this would cause tension if I was with him and his father and other family members weren't. Therefore I would spend two hours waiting in a corridor every night. My other worry is the relationship with my partner. We both work 5 days a week and with him spending every night down the hospital I'm not sure how we will survive this. I guess it's my selfish trait scaring me that I will never get any time with him. We don't live together and he lives with his mother and father. As he doesn't want his mother to be alone he wants me to come visit his house every night at 9:30pm and to cook our tea together then. I'm not too happy with this arrangement as I have to be up at 6am most days for work. Having to wait around until 9:30 every night before we can cook food and getting to spend an hour with him isn't really ideal. It's not to bad for him as he's in the comfort of his own home and will be able to relax in his pjs and go to bed when I leave. I will instead have to wait around in my clothes and then commute 20 minutes home every evening in the bad weather. This leaves me not getting home until gone 11pm most nights. I guess I am scared and dreading this time. I'm not used to being apart from my boyfriend as we usually spending every evening together cooking food and relaxing at both of our homes. (We share it equally). He is not willing to leave his mother on any occasion and said there will not be a night that he does not visit. I don't want to he selfish and I am holding my concerns in. I understand this is a scary time for him and he wants to be with his father. I guess I thought after 5 years I would be seen more as the 'girlfriend' and treated a bit more like a family member. I also thought my boyfriend would of compromised and offer to come to my home for an hour even it was only once a week. I'm sure his mum would be able to be by herself for an hour a week. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would deal with this? Going from spending every evening with your partner to having the option of an hour a day at the end of the night. I feel miserable at the thought. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): Let your boyfriend go to the hospital, and come see you afterward. If you insist on going and sitting an hour in the waiting-room, when you could be at home resting. Tagging along puts you where you are. Aren't your really just letting him have his way, to indirectly get what you want. A ring someday?
Let his mama cook for him.
There really is no question who gets priority at the bedside, when you're not a relative. You said you really get along best with the mother anyway. You don't get to spend time with your boyfriend at the hospital. So why are you there? They push you out, because you've let on how you don't care for them. You don't know how to be tactful.
Have a short visit show your respects, and go home.
If the self-sacrifice is making you resentful, grow some nuggets and put your foot down. Insist on some compromise.
Stop cooking for him. Stop playing wifey. Stop taking on all the inconvenience in the relationship. It makes it look as though you value the relationship a lot more than he does. Let him come to YOU,to prove how much he cares. If you make all the effort to see him; then he must not care to see you that much.
If you ever get engaged or marry, learn some diplomacy. Like your potential in-laws; even if you have to pretend you do. It will make life a lot easier on you. Being anti-social and judgmental of your boyfriend's family will work more against you, than for you. Stay in the neutral-zone. Back him up if they turn on him. If they turn on you, and he doesn't back you up? Wash your hands of the whole lot. Him included. Just some side-advice.
By the way; over-giving, neediness, and clinginess will make a guy walk all over you. It means he holds your heart in the palm of his hand; and you care a lot more about him, than he cares about you.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Ait seems to be that you are specifically asked by your BF to be with him while he visits. It would seem to me that he should be the one to be asking you not to be there. In the absense of him asking you to not be there. logic would tell me that you should stand by him. If someone asks you to give up your "spot" then defer them to your BF since you are there at his invitation. Families can be way more complicated than a ball of twine all wadded up. but what would we do without them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Blimey, the man's father had a heart attack. This is when you show you are part of the family. You don't do that by crying woe is me.
I'm sure his father does not enjoy being in hospital nor does his son enjoy the prospect of going to the hospital every night for the foreseeable future. Nobody is ok with any of this.
But grown ups get on with it.
I would start by offering help to his mother. Not when she's in hospital ofcourse. When she's at home. Ask if there is something you can do. Think of things that will make life easier for her. That's how you become part of the family.
Then you support your boyfriend as much as he needs. It would not kill you to stay at his place for a few days at a time to support him but to also cut back on your commute so that you get some rest. Then take one day off during the week when you are resting. You don't go to the hospital, you don't travel. You recuperate.
As for the food, make it in batches and store a few days worth of food and store it in the freezer. It'll save time and effort during this period.
Ofcourse this is hard for you but I'm sorry you have to step up to the task. No one was ready for this and everyone is doing the best they can.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 I don't think so because this relationship is one sided. He has a tight knit family so it's not just his dad. Anytime there is a family emergency this is what happens. And for his family to treat you as an outsider after a 5 year relationship, no way.
In this case you have to be selfish for your own good. A good relationship can survive a family crisis but not when you are dreading feeling unimportant. Especially when you are made to act like an accessory to his life. Unless if your family member is ill he bows down to your family, and drops his own, then it's fair. From what you wrote it sounds like it's all about his family.
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