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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Gonna get straight to the point. I'm bisexual, I've never actually dated a girl, fooled around in college a little more than i probably shouldve. fast forward some years, and now its me and my fiance, he and I. We have the sort of relationship that seems sorta open sexually but really isnt, like... we'll watch each other's porn, catch each other checking out the same person and share a quick knowing glance, even talk about other women... we're open to ideas like threesomes, but by the time we meet someone that meets all our standards (safety and otherwise) it'll be a while yet. Basically I'm trying to show how normal it is for us to discuss ppl sexually, I actually enjoy that sort of thing rather than get jealous about it like some people will do.However, there are cases when I get jealous about it, and I need help figuring out how to communicate the differences in a way that doesnt make him think that I don't like this kind of behavior at all. For example, I had/have a crush on his ex, she's kinda pretty. But I don't really know her much, and she hates me so, yeah. Anyway, he made a flattering comment about her physique, and it was instant jealousy lol, like... i mean if looks could kill...Also, usually he's really good about making things balanced, like for every one compliment for another girl its probably 5 or so for me, but i swear sometimes he goes on these streaks when i no longer exist and he just sees a world of girls and hes so excited and telling me like every passing thought on his horny brain as they walk by... THATS ANNOYING lol... and somewhat infuriatingI don't really understand it myself, sometimes i love it, sometimes I hate it, this open atmosphere we have... but how do i explain why I'm mad about it sometimes when other times I join right in with him?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 July 2013):
 I had this problem just a few weeks ago with my hubby...
He's allowed to look and comment all he wants... and he knows this... he made a comment about the young lady who was coming to our home to have us sign some papers (so a professional visit not a personal one) and for some reason it pushed my over the edge and I burst into tears feeling very insecure and old and ugly....
He was like "what?! I'm allowed to LOOK!" and I had to tearfully concede that "yes you are allowed to look, but I'm not feeling very attractive lately and it makes me feel crummy"
and he was able to console me with the fact that while he looks he's WITH ME and he wants no others and he finds me beautiful. And while I DO NOT BELIEVE he finds me beautiful I have to accept it. Because HE DOES. (he is not one to lie) and the fact that I don't believe him is not his problem but rather MINE... my insecurity with my aging... my not going gracefully into middle age.. NOT his issue so why should I punish him for it.
But I told him exactly that... that while HE finds me beautiful and wants me, I'm not feeling it myself... and could he please be a bit more attuned to this. He was confused as it's changing our rules... but he gets it and now is a bit more aware of my fragile feelings.
IF you need to change your rules you need to tell him... exactly how you feel and why... and OWN your feelings it's not about HIM...do not start with "YOU always" or "YOU never" or ANY statement about HIM... this is about you.
"honey I love you and I'm fine with you looking but lately I've been feeling very down and very unwanted and while YOU have done nothing wrong I need something to change..."
OWN the feelings, own the behavior.. put the problem ON YOU (as it should be) and resolve this with words.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): You just explained to us, so say the same to him. :) we're all insecure to a degree and this would be quite frustrating for anyone! Lol... I think he's just really carried away with the whole bisexual, threesome thing, I mean he doesn't sound like a bad guy and probably doesn't realise it makes you jealous - as you come across as quite stable to me.
Talk to him honestly and openly about how it makes you feel and you can't put up with it. If it carries on maybe you're just not as suited as you thought you were.
Good luck! :) xx
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A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Maybe say, "I have a lot of fun with you pointing out the hotties to each other, but sometimes I feel you take it too far. It's one thing to acknowledge and appreciate beauty when you see it, but it's another to share every detail of thoughts about them with me. Could you tone it down a bit, please?"
Shouldn't be hard for him to understand why that would upset you. A certain amount of jealousy is normal, it shows you care about him. It's especially normal to feel jealous if your partner makes a comment about their ex. Since they were once with that person, it can make you wonder if they miss them. That's never a good feeling.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Hi There,
Read the article Jealousy and the Abyss. I think it will help you with your jealousy. The issue is not anything he is doing. This is YOUR issue.
-Frank
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