A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: GF is in a job that makes her miserable, that she's privileged enough not to need, and yet keeps going at it. Spends day whimpering and feeling sorry for herself.How do I "invite" her to get her act together without getting dumped? (has sorta happened before with a friend)Long version: She's been working here for the last 2 years. Her boss in an asshole that makes life difficult for everyone, which has led most of her friends to jump ship and search elsewhere. Her friends have been steadily replaced (if at all) with brown-nosers who apparently get paid for office politics, not working.She's always complained about her job but the last two months have become terrible. She's now alone and friendless and is spiraling into depression, and I'm bearing the burden as well. She stopped exercising, started eating crap I never saw her touch before, gaining weight and just being un-fun in general. When I pick her up after work we just go for dinner, go to her home, pet her to sleep on my lap.It's gotten to the breaking point with me. She keeps complaining about the job, some days taking out her frustration with her boss on me, whimpering about becoming a loser, and then excusing herself because her job makes her sad. We went from sex twice a week, to two lousy sessions in the last two months. She keeps doing mental masturbation (I'll have a vegetable grove and excercise and be happy when I'm out...) and I keep doing actual masturbation to have a semblance of satisfaction.There comes a point where I don't know what to do next. I've done my best to be caring and understanding about it but, big caveat, SHE DOESN'T NEED THAT JOB!, this really is as easy as "why doesn't she change jobs!" No rent to pay, no debts, no children, lives with her (rich) parents (it's different here) and very marketable skills. At what point does it become acceptable to tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself and get her act together? Last time I did that with a friend in a similar situation he preferred to stop seeing me rather than dig himself out of his own ditch. Don't know what to do or how to do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): Are you even worried about her? Because you seem like all you care about is yourself and how this affects you. Look, maybe she doesn't want to live off of her parents as an adult. Maybe they won't let her? If I quit my job without another one (even if I hated it), you can bet your ass my parents wouldn't pay for me. They'd be mad I'd expected them too as they have raised me saying that you have to be responsible, go to work and you don't quit just because the going gets tough.Or, maybe several things have sucked the life out of her so much that she feels depressed and stuck in a rut. I mean she hates her job, her friends have all left, she has gained weight and probably feels unattractive, and in my opinion she has an insensitive oaf of a boyfriend who isnt helping either. These things can all be dealt with, but when you are feeling down anyway, all of this together can seem like too big a task to tackle, and so the cycle of depression begins again.I think you need to start trying to support her and encourage her to get help, not building up resentment towards her because things are not all sweetness and light right now. If you can't handle the good with the bad, then you are not mature enough for a real relationship.Oh, and you say you hate the whimpering, but you are doing a pretty good job of it yourself here...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): I think you should look at how you come across in this post- used words like "whimpering", and "pull herself together, and "un- fun?" Depression is something that people who suffer it can't just snap out of or control- i understand it's frustrating but she can just tap into her own brain chemistry, just like that can she? There doesn't have to be a reason, it's all to do with hormones, physiology; when you feel down often, even if you're not physiologically predisposed to depression, over time your mind frame stops your body from producing happy chemicals; most people with depression often need medication to give their brains a little nudge to get out of it.I have depression and gad drinking problems- and it's like alcoholism- you can't actually understand the sensation unless you have it yourself. All you can do is embrace her and try and get her to open up.- mention you think she's depressed and want her to go to the doctors to get medication and help. To sum this up I think if you do find you're more frustrated than worried about her, she's better off without you- this isnt about you or the relationship, it's about her needing emotional support from close ones in order to help her get out the ditch.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): If you love her then I think for your own sake as well as her's you need to say something. Its not doing either of you any good and somewhere along the line it sounds to me like your probably going to snap anyway so its best to talk to her in a controlled way rather than have it all come out in the heat of an argument. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): you dont sound supportive at all! All you're thinking about is yourself. It's obvious she's getting into depression and needs support and understanding and may be she doesnt want to scrounge off her parents.
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