A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I explain emotional infidelity to my boyfriend?We hit a rough patch approximately five months into our relationship - the issue: he was really stressed about personal things, and felt awful that he wasn't putting 100% into our relationship. We all experience stress, and can't be present every single moment, I get it.What I didn't understand was that in subsequent talks, he started throwing "sometimes I'm attracted to you, sometimes I'm not... Sometimes I want to be more than friends, sometimes just friends..." What?! Did the stress make him feel that way? Or was it something else? He didn't have an answer, and our communication was getting sketchy and infrequent. I offered him space, but he didn't take it. I gave him some anyway.What bothered me most, aside from his comments on attraction, was that he was okay talking to a female friend of his about us... Now, he has many female friends, but he went to a single one who has less relationship experience than any of his other friends. He shared some very personal info with her about me which I told him (the moment I told him) that I didn't want him to tell anybody. I felt betrayed. He said she wouldn't tell, but doesn't understand that I could care less about that: what hurt me was that he betrayed my trust and told somebody my personal medical info.Also, after being out with him, he'd drop me off early to go and see her: "I needed to talk, and she's going through some things, so she wants to talk, too." Well that's grand. How about talking to ME about US? She doesn't know me, but likes to be a know-it-all (sigh, I thought that and then had others come to the same conclusion without me saying anything...)We've been together seven months now and I've mentioned that I felt betrayed and upset, but I wasn't telling him this because I wanted him to stop confiding in friends - heck, I do, but with female friends - but just so he knows how I felt about it.The good thing is that he still tells me whenever he's going out with others, and with whom: I've never asked this of him, ever, but I appreciate it.Ever since this happened, though, I've felt hesitant to really open up with him. I'm almost afraid or nervous to because I feel like it'll get to him, and he'll shut me out and go talk with others instead of confiding in me.So, how do I explain what I believe to be emotional infidelity to him without putting him off?Thank you so much!
View related questions:
infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, WGATSOAR  +, writes (3 January 2011):
You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, and angry even. What he's doing IS having an emotional affair. Just because he told you about it still does NOT make it right. The whole point about emotional infidelity is that he is seeking the OPPOSITE SEX to discuss PERSONAL issues. This means he is INVESTING ENERGY into another female while he's still with you, and that is not ok. Energy that belongs to you. The reason why it's so wrong is because the female friend he is confiding in, is now closley bonding with him. In doing so, they stand risk of developing feelings for eachother. (This may be the reason why he's been sketchy about wanting then not wanting you at times. Basically wanting his cake and eat it too.) Once that happens, then you really stand risk of him having a physical relationship with her too. Not saying he has or will; just that he is at high risk. This is why emotional infidelity is so wrong. Your boyfriend has betrayed your trust in doing so.As soon as you can, go to your nearest bookstore and purchase the book: EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY - How to Affair Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship, by M. Gary Neuman. He's been featured in places like, The Oprah Show, Today, and The View. He explains everything clearly and it's easy to understand. I bought my purple soft cover at Hastings for $14. (It's my new bible). Make time to read through it alone first. Then share the book with him. Even though it's meant for married couples, this book is especially great for singles who are dating. I only wish I had this book before I got married.If your guy resists reading it or doesn't show interest in talking about how his actions are affecting you, DROP HIM FAST! Continue to listen to your inner intuition. You deserve a guy who truly repects you by staying away from going outside your relationship. If you can, share that book with all your close friends. The more women who learn about Emotional Infidelity, the better. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I think you're too worried about his feelings and not about your own. You don't want to "put him off"?
He's broken your trust and for whatever reason, he feels like he can't approach you directly about your relationship.
I wouldn't call it "emotional infidelity", but he sounds like a bit of a coward for not facing his own ambigious feelings. Feelings aren't wrong or right things, but actions are and it was wrong to discuss your personal history with another female friend.
It also sounds like he feels guilty...why would he tell you where he goes out and with whom? Why would he be confessing his ambiguity about you, but not acting on it? There are not things I'de appreciate, these are things that would make me suspicious.
You're his girlfriend, not his mother. For whatever reason you both don't trust each other and it sounds like you'r just tolerating each other. I would get out of the relationship with some dignity intact. I'd break up with him directly before he cheats on you physically (not just emotionally).
...............................
|
