A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This post is not about my romantic relationship per se, but more about my sister and how it is affecting my life as a whole. To give a little background, I have been living with my sister(~7 years older) and a friend for past 6 years. I am completing my doctorate education while my sister is employed full-time (we earn almost the same amount). We were never close growing up; We even lived in different cities to complete schooling. It wasn't until I moved in with her at the age of 22 that I began to have a close relationship with her. I consider myself social, friendly but can be a push-over at times. My sister, on the other hand, has always been overbearing with entitlement issues. Not just with me but my parents and other family members. Not that she is not affectionate or caring, but extremely controlling. Being young, I idealized my sister and never realized how controlling she was over my life and my decisions. But I got to a stage where I could not make a decision without my sister's approval. And if I do manage to make a decision of my own, I would end up feeling guilty and bad about myself. Realizing how toxic it is to put my self-esteem in my sister's hands, I stopped enabling her behavior. But my sister doesn't seem to understand the meaning of boundaries. I personally do not interfere in her life decisions or the way she chooses to live her life. But my sister is always into my business! It is crazy, she has such impact on me, that I question my own sanity. For e.g., 1. I decided to date after taking a year break from relationships. I dated two guys in a period of 6 months, I thought it was normal. Normal process of finding what you want and normal process of moving on from past relationship. It was not my plan to find guys, I went with the flow. But she critcized me and put me down in front of my father saying I was jumping boys and was emotionally impulsive and desperate. I didn't even understand her intention behind denigrating me like that. 2. During the same time our father visited us, she made me feel guilty for wanting to go on a one-day ski trip alone with the guy I was dating. She demanded that I take my dad with us. She didn't think it was unreasonable to expect me to take him along when I go on a date. I was 27 years old then. She went on to say that she would meet me at the ski resort because she was going to come too. And there is nothing I can do because she has the right to go if she wants. 3. And when I finally introduced my boyfriend to my sister after nearly 7 months of dating. She didn't have one question to ask him. During the entire time, my boyfriend tried to engage her with a series of questions. In a 1.5 hour long dinner, she didn't ask one question about him. 4. And when my boyfriend began to stay over at my place, my sister wouldn't even look at him in his eyes to give a warm hello or how are you. She wouldn't say anything rude but wouldn't give even the basic courtesy she gives others. But she thought she had the right to come tell me to be skeptical about him because she thought he was shrewd. And that really ticked me off, because how can you judge someone without giving them a fair opportunity first? 5. I am almost done with my doctorate and have only few more months to finish. I decided to take a break and travel for a week after a major submission. She again made me feel guilty for wanting a week break. She argued that I had the moral obligation to finish my degree and that I cannot take off. 6. I workout 5 days a week, do weight training and follow a specific diet for toning and strengthening. She randomnly began to advice me about my high protein intake and that I don't eat properly. She began to make me feel like I have some sort of eating disorder. Which is absolutely not true, I weigh 126 lbs and I am 156 cm tall, i eat everything in moderation. But every morning my sister would look over how many eggs I eat,how much rice i eat, how much meat I eat etc. 6. If we were to buy grocery or anything else for that matter, she would instantly decline my offer or suggestion to buy them. She would prefer to pick it herself if necessary. These are only few instances and they happen so often, that even if she is genuinely concerned I see them as manipulative and ill-intended. My resentment is growing and i feel like i am losing my mind around her. I still have 4 months to finish my education and move out. Since, we live in the same house, I don't know what the solution is.. help :(
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2018):
 It sounds like she is jealous off you. In her own warped views she cares about you but then she belittles you and takes you down and that is not okay. The only suggestion I have for you is to grin and bare it if you need to for the next four months and then move on with your life. Having that sort off negativity around you is not healthy and is not good for your self esteem.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 September 2018):
 I would suggest moving out but suspect that, if you are not actually tied into some sort of rental agreement which stops you leaving, your sister will make you feel so guilty that you will back down and stay.
There are two problems here as I see it. The first problem is your sister's controlling and rude behaviour, which is probably not going to change. The second problem - which you CAN change - is how you perceive her behaviour and how you react to it.
I have a friend with 3 daughters. Your sister sounds very much like the eldest of my friend's daughters, who has always been opinionated and tried to be controlling of her 2 younger sisters' behaviour. The youngest daughter invariably gets into fights and arguments with her elder sister, as she takes everything she does and says to heart, while the middle sister just smiles when the eldest "starts" (her words) and either agrees with her then goes and does her own thing anyway, without a second thought to what her sister thinks, or she ribs her in a gentle way, laughing at what she has said and turns the conversation into a joke. The youngest sister constantly complains and stresses about her eldest sister's behaviour/attitude, while the middle sister seldom if ever does, just rolling her eyes and saying "well, that is just HER".
You do not HAVE to do as your sister orders. Obviously your refusal to acquiesce to her demands will come at a price as she is so used to getting her own way unchallenged with you that she will be outraged if your behaviour changes. However, you are an adult now and, regardless of what your sister says, YOU can CHOOSE how to react.
To take a couple of your own examples: if she starts telling you what you should do with your time (not take holidays while you are studying), just smile sweetly and say "I hear what you are saying and for YOU that would probably be the right thing to do, but I feel I NEED a holiday and so I am going to take one". If she starts to run you down in front of your parents, again smile sweetly and make a joke of it by saying something like "My dearest sister seldom approves of ANYTHING I do. It wouldn't do if we were all the same."
Do you see where I am coming from? It is your CHOICE how you react to her. You can be civil and courteous while completely refusing to let her get to you or let her influence what you do. Don't take things she does and says so personally. She is your sister, not your keeper. Start living your life as you want to and, if she disapproves, that is HER choice and she can live with it. YOU do not have to be affected by her disapproval.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2018): Your sister seems to be a person dealing with a borderline personality disorder, or narcissism. She cares for you, then crushes you. Coddles you like a child, then kicks you in groin. Belittles you in-front of people; and condescends to you like you're mentally-handicapped.
I think she's also a little jealous of your pursuit of your doctorate. You're a little brainiac. We nerds tend to get pushed around sometimes.
Start saving for your own place. Finish your doctorate first. It's usually not a good idea to uproot yourself while in the midst of your academic pursuits. It tends to throw you off momentum; and you run into too many distractions. Stay put for the time being. At least you're in familiar territory.
You and your sister are polar-opposites from how you describe her in comparison to yourself. So in her mind, she's compensating for your lack of judgement and inferior intellect.
It seems she feels she is superior to everyone; so she assumes the position of leadership; and self-appointed critic. You're probably too easy-going, with a dash of submissiveness; so she knows how to steamroll over you with little effort. When you have backbone; people aren't so quick to mow you down. Stand-up too her.
You can't talk about boundaries unless you have what it takes to declare them, implement them, and then enforce them.
If you're timid or wishy-washy; people will just trample all over you, and your wimpy little boundaries. So, firmly and assertively ask her to stay out of your business; and when you need her opinion, you'll consult with her. Abruptly interrupt her in the middle of her insults. Changing the subject entirely to something totally unrelated. Ask her hold that thought, until you're in the next room!
If you want to shop, shop. Stop asking for permission. If you want to do anything, just do it. If she insults you in-front of others, pull her to the side and tell her how much you didn't appreciate her blatant disrespect. Then spend less time in her company and presence. As soon as she arrives, pickup your dolls and dishes and move on. Don't say a word!
I can't believe you allowed her to barge-in on your ski-trip! The guy must have though all of you were profoundly weird! How timid can you possibly be? All you had to say was no! Are you afraid she's going to hit you or beat you up?
Boundaries can't be set unless you have the gumption to set them; then back them up. Tell her this is how it's going to be. She will swell three times her size; but that's only to intimidate you. Simply tell her the bullying is over. You've had enough! You'll be buckling at the knees, but you'd better grow a backbone and fake-it! Before she gets a word in edgewise, raise a queenly hand-gesture demanding silence. Walkaway! Let her stew or ponder over it. Leave her speechless with the audacity!
Save your money, and move-out; as soon as you get that precious sheep-skin in your hand. Run like a bat out of hell! You've fed this woman enough narcissistic-supply. Limit contact. See her on holidays, celebrations, and family gatherings. Dance at her wedding. Just keep a safe-distance.
You have to work on being more assertive. If you knuckle-under to your sister; you probably let other people use you like doormat as well. Part of the problem might be your sister; but you have a problem with standing-up to confrontation. I went into the military, and that's how I grew a backbone. They roughed me up, and I got tougher!
I used to be shy. Walking around with my eyes lowered, and skulking about under the radar to avoid detection. That had to stop! My older brothers used to pick on me to make me stand-up for myself. Afraid bullies might beat me up. They were very protective of me. I outgrew that! You've got to outgrow it, before you move-out into the real-world. Your sister is a teddy-bear compared to what's out there!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2018):
 Time to move out, OP
Or just wait until you are DONE with your doctorate. (congrats on that!).
I think she sees herself as your "mother" more than sister and if this is how she has always been, SHE isn't going to change.
But it IS time for you to move out from under her thumb. So the next 4 months (until you are done) you save up, you tell her I know what to eat, I'm a big girl now. If she criticize whatever... just tell her that she is entitled to her opinion but that you don't agree and then leave it at that. It sounds a little like you BOTH want to be "right" and thus butt heads.
YOU do not NEED her approval. Remember hat.
And just focus on finishing that degree and get out of there.
YOU can't change her but you can change how you react. You know what's she is like so I'd just smile and bear it until moving out time.
She is who she is.
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