A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please believe me when I tell you that I have a very loving and beautiful relationship with my boyfriend. We might get married later this year.I had a crush on a colleague and it spiraled out of control and became an obsession. I avoid him like the devil and we rarely talk, though we used to be great friends once. It's been six months since and I still can't get over him. We work together so it's impossible to never see him. I dream about him at night and I'm always, always thinking about him. When I get drunk, I tell random people that I love him. This has be so scared that I have stopped drinking altogether because my feelings seep out when I'm drunk. My boyfriend knows how I feel and is naturally upset but he wants to make the relationship work, and so do I, because he's a very good man. How do I end this obsession that's threatening to ruin my life?
View related questions:
crush, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 It's "funny" as a man asked almost the same thing than you yesterday, him being obsessed by a woman who is not single. I will give you the same advice than to him:Love is sometimes cruel, that's well known. And it's like having a nail nailed in you hand, it hurts when penetrating your flesh (you're falling in love with this man) and it will hurt too when you will have to remove it (doing your best to forget that girl).You have to imagine with all your strengths a past Christmas time. A month before, you ask "Santa" to bring you something you desire more than anything (imagine what you want, a camera, a motorcycle, something super-cool that will make you seem cooler among your friends). You desire that thing more than anything you have ever desired before, at a point you are persuaded that "Santa" will bring it to you, no doubt at all.Yet, on the Chrismas morning, you do not receive that thing you were dying for, you receive instead some encyclopedia or something good but that you don't care at all. You are deeply disappointed... BUT for sure you don't want to kill Santa (it's to say your parents) because they did not give you what you asked. Maybe they haven't well understood that you desired so much the thing you asked for your Christmas present; maybe they just could not afford buying such a thing...You want to scream, to cry, to kick a wall, to break a baseball bat on your head... but after a day or two, you end thinking "life stinks, but c'est la vie".That's the same here. You must consider this man as a Christmas present you did not received because it was a too expensive present for your parent to offer it to you. And you still don't want to hurt them in any way. And once again, after calming you down, you will end thinking: "life stinks, but c'est la vie".Take heart!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): How focused are you on your work? Do you have enough time on your hands to allow your mind to be wandering? Have you
ever been treated for a mental disorder or depression?
People with obsessions will eventually yield to an impulse or temptation. Preoccupation on a single item or thought. If you don't do something to satisfy your attraction; the thoughts get overwhelming. Staring, always finding a reason to chat, always seated close, always agreeing with that person, and allowing your brain to hold an image of that person throughout the day. You'll play a constant video in your mind featuring his image.
The mind wants most, what it can't have. That is human nature. An obsessive mind can't let go of a thought or fear.
You relish the vision of that guy. You like his looks and movements. People misidentify these feelings as love. Obsession isn't love. It's a fixation.
You've placed that guy high up on a pedestal and you idolize him. He's your favorite fantasy. You may have an undiagnosed case of obsessive compulsive disorder,(OCD).
See a therapist, and get a professional evaluation.
Having a boyfriend, forced to keep a professional distance; and your co-worker seeming so unaware of your yearning, just makes him irresistible. This keeps your mind ruminating about this guy all day long, until he's even in your dreams. Having all these obstacles between him and you keeps, your mind quite busy. You need "distraction" from him and to concentrate on work. Stop convincing your mind that he's so perfect. He isn't.
Blocking your thoughts after seeing him is all you can do until you see a therapist to be evaluated for an untreated social/spychological disorder. It isn't healthy to fixate. It is detrimental to relationships, knowing someone you love is always thinking about someone else.
Seek help. I hope your boyfriend doesn't marry you until you do. I don't really believe you love him like you say you do. I think you don't want to give him up, and have to go through all the trouble it takes to find someone else. He's there, takes care of you, and that's convenient for you.
You can't care as much for your boyfriend as you claim you do. Everyone has subconscious criteria in our brains listing the traits in a person that we find most attractive.
You couldn't be so easily distracted from someone you deeply love. You haven't allowed your mind to attach to your boyfriend deep enough to block others out. That is part of the normal bonding and imprinting process; when we fall in-love. Your mind is still searching for someone special.
The guy you call your obsession meets most of your subconscious criteria. Even more so than your boyfriend.
That doesn't mean he is right for you. Nor that you love him. Only that he has qualities that you want but your boyfriend doesn't seem to have.
You feel like something is missing, and you're settling for your boyfriend. He has a lot of good qualities, so you use him and hold on to him, because he's a good catch. If he knows about your obsession with someone else; he'd be an absolute fool to marry you.
I expect a negative rebuttal. I'm not intentionally insulting or attacking you. I'm just being more direct, in order that you may analyze the situation carefully, so no one gets hurt.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 February 2014):
Focus that same obsession on your boyfriend. Let him be your eye candy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 I wish I could find a way to explain to both you and your boyfriend that feelings can't be turned on and off like a light bulb. Give each other a break and go figure stuff out. If it is nothing more than a crush you will find your way back to each other. He clearly has stopped pushing your attraction buttons!!
...............................
|
