A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl a few months ago at a party and we began to have a sexual relationship. We agreed to be no strings attached BUT she began to catch feelings. After that I reminded her that I'm not into her that way. She cried and made a big scene but in the end she said she'd be fine with just having sex. So I hooked up with her every once in a while until about a month ago because she was convenient. Anyway I met one of her friends (ex-friends?) at a bar last week and we ended up sleeping together. I'm really attracted to the new girl and having sex with her is awesome. The problem is, she is in the same friend circle as the old girl.I really like the new girl. A lot. When we met she said she isn't looking for anything more than a steady friend with benefits. After all when I met her, she'd just broken up with her bf of 2 years so I understand that. But I really like her and I'd still like to see her more often in public and get to know her. She's afraid that if anyone finds out we are sleeping together, her friends will hate her and think she's a "man stealer", which makes no sense IMO because the other girl never had any claims to me.I want to cut the old girl off for good -- I don't really have any reason to talk to her, especially now that I'm having regular sex with new girl. My question is: How can I cut things off with her easy so she doesn't make a big deal out of it? Even though we were never dating she was delusional about that and if she reacts the way i think she would, she will ruin my chances at any relationship with new girl that I really like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): I think that you are simply learning here that you can't and should not jump into bed with anyone without getting to know them a bit better first... whatever this girl's reaction to having sex with you, when you sleep with ANY WOMAN, their feelings are going to get involved!And any woman who pretends that it's okay to be causal is only fooling herself or is lying to you, neither is too smart.So calling a female 'delusional' is simply wrong, and this is why. There are chemicals in our bodies and hormones that cause women to bond with guys once they sleep with them, and we all struggle with that conflict - even if her head tells her you're no good for her, it will take some time for her to get over it emotionally. That does not make her mentally ill; it just makes her human... just like you are. You are doing what many guys do, but it doesn't make you sick, wrong, or bad because of it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Women may "think differently about sex than men" but I don't hear them asking for fewer rights to control their sex life than men do these days. If you want total control over your own sex life, like men traditionally have had, then you must accept total responsibility for your choices. That's the kind of RESPONSIBILITY that men traditionally have always had.
You don't get to have it both ways. Women don't get to demand the right to screw whoever they want like men, and then still expect to be treated like fragile emotional creatures every time they do something that risks hurting themselves. More freedom means more responsibilities.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Here is why you were a jerk:"She cried and made a big scene" and yet you took advantage of her feelings for you.It's one thing if the girl is totally cool with it, but clearly she was not. You ignored that for your own sexual pleasure. There are girls who would have been okay with this, but you had a big red warning sign that she was not!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Basically you cant. You have now seen the truth about FWB relationships, and that is one person (usually the girl) always ends up emotionally attached to the other.
Women think about sex very differently to men. To you it is just an act that you would to to any inanimate object, to a woman it goes far deeper and involves many different emotions. Any woman who says she won't get emotionally involved with a "fuck buddy" (hate that term) is a liar.
Even if they say "im cool with fwb" over and over, deep down, they are not. Never. Most women end up feeling either used, or dirty, or heartbroken when the guy they have feelings from dumps them when something better comes along. To the men they are no more than just a sex aid, free live porn essentially.
She went into this thinking she would be able to handle it - she got to sleep with you, and I suspect that over time she thought you would want her, you would see she was a lovely girl and date her, rather just use her. She was naive and stupid, because obviously you are only looking for a vagina, anyone will do as long as it is "convenient" and "available" when you are horny. It is soul destroying for a woman to just be used as a way for a man to get off, to know deep down he doesnt care about you at all, and you are just an available vagina. I bet she didnt call you once to arrange the "meets". I bet it was always you calling her.
You cannot make this easier for her. She is going to hurt and she is going to be upset. So sadly, you have to break her heart, but that is the risk of a FWB. You ARE the bad guy here. Deal with it. Even tho you knew she was having issues, you still carried on, because you still wanted sex and it was "convenient" for you. You had no care for her at all.
Why do you have to have a FWB anyway? Have you heard of masterbation? If you had kept it in your pants, you would not be in this mess, there would not be a heartbroken girl and you would be free to pursue your new potential vagina.
Treat women with a bit more respect. They are not there just to get you off. They have thoughts and feelings.
Keep it in your pants and learn some self restraint. You will probably learn a lot about yourself and women, they will respect you more if you are not trying to get them into bed. No woman likes a player for a serious relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Dude, it's a losing battle. We are talking about modern young women. They get full sexual rights without full responsibilities.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Hi, I am the original poster. I realize that I sound selfish but: Girl 1 knew from the very beginning that i was just looking for sex and she knowingly went along with it. I told her frequently. This is college for crying out loud, fuck buddies are nothing new. I NEVER led her on. She knew what she was getting into, and she needs to take some responsibility for this. I did my part in always being up front and honest with her. She lied to me every time she said that she was comfortable with being fuck buddies. The issue here is not whether or not I'm a jerk for not wanting to be with her -- because I don't and she knows this -- but the issue is how can I can make things easier for her in doing so.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 May 2011):
"So I hooked up with her every once in a while until about a month ago because she was convenient." makes you sound like a very arrogant selfish pig. She was convenient. Poor girl! You have no care for her feelings at all, she is just a vessel for you to stick your dick. You must have no respect for women, if this is how you are willing to treat them.
Seriously, are you incapable of not having sex for a while?
FWB relationships ALWAYS end up with someone getting hurt. Here it is Girl 1, who you have treated very badly, with no thought as to her feelings at all. But you have the potential for being in the same situation with Girl 2, as you like her, but she only wants FWB... she could dump you at any time and you would feel like crap. What goes around comes around and I really hope you see the other side of this, and understand how it feels.
Most girls don't like guys who will sleep with anything that moves. If you want a decent girl for a proper relationship, you need to learn to be a bit more selective as to where you stick your tool. There are many other ways of getting off than using multiple girls for sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011):
I hate to say this, but I am a guy and I think you behaved rather like a pig with the first girl. Then you made things worse by going after her friend. That you are posting on here means there is hope for redemption, but I agree with the others. Break it off with the first girl, explain things to the second girl, and keep it in your pants for a while.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): This is why FWB isn't good. You should have ended it with girl one when she first freaked out. But tell her you don't want to be FWB anymore. Then give it some time. Call her up or just text her because she isn't your GF so it doesn't matter how you do it. Just tell her you don't want anyone right now including a FWB. And keep girl two on the down low. You should really just hang out with girl two, instead of just having sex and be friends withOUT benefits for awhile. If you can keep it in your pants for awhile ; )
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 I guess you can see why having FWB isn't really an option to take. Imagine this new girl you are into meets someone else she's crazy about. How would that make you feel? Sorry if I'm being direct but you are doing trying to do to someone what could happen to you in a split second. Explain to the first girl you want to break up or stop being FWB. Since she likes you now, you've got to give her time to recover before you start something else with anyone else. If the second girl is worth her salt I don't think she'll date you anytime soon as she's got a reputation to protect. Give it sometime she may change her mind or you may have to find someone else.
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