A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First date - coffee and dancing.Second date - drinks, dancing, and kissing. Third date - (impressive) dinner at her place, and couch make out session.How do I end things gently as soon as possible?I'm 32 and she's 33. While I had fun on our first date, I really didn't think we were a long-term match. Several days passed and my friends criticized me for being "picky". I ran into her at a bar. I was feeling a discouraged about my recent dates and, to be honest, lonely since my last relationship. I asked her out again.She's very interested in me. She's a great conversationalist. She's incredibly attractive. We had a lot of fun on our second date. When I suggested dinner for a third date, she suggested dinner at her place. There I was, after a very impressive dinner, making out with her on the couch and thinking "oh %# and $... what am I doing?". I said it was late and didn't take things any further. Despite her hopes, there's no long-term potential here. This is the type of relationship you rush into because she's super hot or fun or awesome and then 6 months later you wonder what happened when in reality you were the one deluding yourself. I'm not looking for something short-term. I'm not looking to hurt or lead anyone on. I shouldn't have asked her out again. I was lonely. How do I end things gently? Would an email that she can read privately be too cold? Would a phone call come as too much of a shock after what seems like 3 great dates (probably wondering why we didn't go all the way on the couch)? This is going to shock her. I feel horrible.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): I am not sure you really explained what is so bad about her. Are you convinced you aren't a good match? Your letter said she is beautiful, sexy, fun, a good cook, and a great conversationalist. A common saying is: "It not you, it's me" and in this case I think it is you! Print this message out to her for confirmation that, yes, you are a slug! At least you spared her finding that out for herself!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Well, let's start out, you don't have any thing to say bad about this girl, only good things, but you want to end this.I am not trying to say this as a know it all, but buddy, I hope down the line, when you realize, how good this woman was, an then try to get back with her.She won't want any thing to do with you, am saying this cause, then the next time you meet a good woman, you won't screw it up, I had a woman do what you are about to do, an I still miss her an it's three years now, I just wonder if she ever thinks of me, that woman has a heart, an you are about ready to rip it out, an stomp on it.Remember what goes around, come around, carma, does really hurt, an what if you seen her with a buddy, having a good time,think really hard, for you never know, you might be in love with her, but something inside, scares you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2015):
 Chigirl suggest that you "ghost" her.. Which means you just drop communication and move on or that you call her.
Personally, I don't REALLY think you owe her an explanation or even a "I don't think we are a good fit" excuse, BUT .... I think the "right" thing to do, is tell her EXACTLY that. "WE are NOT a fit." or "I enjoyed our 3 dates but I don't see us long term and I don't want to lead you on."
Because COMMON DECENCY is to let her know, not leave her wondering if you died in a car crash, or if she did something "wrong".
Make the phone call SHORT and sweet. (or at least polite) This is not something you do over text, Facebook or e-mail.
And then STOP beating yourself up, if you don't feel you two would work long term and you are looking for long term, IT IS OK TO "dump" her.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 I have to agree with Chigirl on this one. Don't drag it out, because she will already be confused and hurt enough..
You do seem to have given her a lot of positive signals.
You asked her out for dates 2 & 3, so she will be assuming that you are into her and the feeling is mutual.
Just out of interest, why do you not feel that you can get to know her more, as you seem to have enjoyed her company and find her attractive?
Is this more about you than her?
Sometimes, a first date can be very lukewarm, but after a while you realise that the other person is someone very special.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 Ugh, I feel you. It's awkward to stop dating someone. I'm not good at it either, but I usually just stop contacting the person. In most cases they get the hint. Although, you did send her a LOT of signals that you were interested in her, which makes this one tougher to get out of without a last sympathy date. I mean, she must have felt like it all went swell, since you ended up making out and all. If the dates had gone awkwardly, she'd take the hint... But apparently they went great, lol. So it's tricky. I wonder why you say you can't see a future with her, since the dates apparently went so well.
But yeah, maybe be up front with her. I say call her. Write down on paper your "statement", and then when you call her you can look at what you wrote to keep your head clear. Be short and sweet, something like this: Hi, thank you for last time. It was wonderful, and you're a great person, but I have to admit something. As great a person as you are, I don't feel that the chemistry is right between us, and romantically I do not see this going to work out. I have enjoyed your company, you're just not the right one for me. I wish you all of luck in finding the right man for you, and hope there are no hard feelings.
If she presses the matter, just tell her the truth: you don't have the right form of feelings for her that you need in order to date/start a relationship with someone.
Don't drag the conversation out, just keep it short, say what you must say and then tell her to take care and see you around and hang up.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (29 June 2015):
Dear OP,
End it the way you wish someone would end it with you in a similar situation. It will give you the best feeling.
There's no totally "gentle" way to reject someone, because the truth is, you like her less than she likes you. And that hurts. But it's best to tell her now than later.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 June 2015):
 "Hey, I have something I need to tell you. While I've enjoyed our time together, I've had a chance to do some self-reflection and I have come to realize that while you are incredibly attractive, it just isn't happening for me. I don't want to lead you on and I don't want to waste your time. I respect and like you too much to do that. So while this is a super awkward thing to have to do, I'm just letting you know that we'll just have to be friends. I hope you realize that you are an amazing woman and will no doubt find someone to date very soon. Best wishes to you."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): Yeah, I can't think of a way to do it gently...Whichever way you do it will be too harsh for her, if she already really likes you.But you can at least be polite. I'd go with a phone call. E-mail is a no-no. After work. Not at lunchtime.ps: out of curiosity: you think she is hot, blah-blah,I did not hear one negative thing??? No one can guarantee you a "perfect match". If you realise 6 months down the line she is not your match, then that's ok. But that might be your personal "honeymoon" period.We all get past that and find not-so-nice things about our partners. We are all human and all have faults (including you and me), so this letter leaves me wondering: WHAT are you looking for in a partner??"She's very interested in me. She's a great conversationalist. She's incredibly attractive. We had a lot of fun on our second date. "Ok,so what is missing? Sorry to ask,but this letter had me very confused and I have the feeling you are in a confused place too and not very sure of what you want.If you are looking for someone to settle with, I'd say :find your own "musts" first. It seems like those things you lsited are a plus for you, but somehow they don't push her to 1st place yet?What IF you just do NOT fall in love with people at first sight? What IF you need time and to get to know them+ to let attachment grow? You won't get that out of dates only. Just a thought.
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