A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this girl for 14 years I use to love her but now it's gone. When I met her she was basically homeless living in a shelter. She has always been mentally unstable at times and I have found someone i think i love. How do i put her out with no job Id or car and no place to go. I dont want to see her hurt but im 40 now and i want a normal life. Ive told her i met someone new but shell never accept we 're done. What can or should i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): I agree with, So_Very_Confused (7 March 2013).
The MORAL thing to do is set her up with all the assistance that she needs to get help to support herself.
Don't leave her at the curb like a piece of trash.
Once this is done, then move on with your life and you can live with yourself knowing that you did the right thing by her by getting her the help that she needs.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 There are very few states that are common law any more and even then, just living together does not make you CL.
there has to be intent to marry and holding yourself out as a married couple.
here's a great website about common law marriages:
http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet/
I got a very cold feeling from this question. You loved this woman and have been with her for 14 years. Now that you are tired of her illness you want to just PUT HER OUT… yes like a dog you no longer have any use for. Those were your words OP.
You may not love her any more (and that’s fine) and want to end the relationship (that’s fine too) but the way you word it leaves a very sour taste in my mouth.
“she has always been mentally unstable at times” WHICH is it.. ALWAYS or AT TIMES?
You have told her you met someone else. You say she will never accept that you are done. Well what other than telling her have you done? And in telling her it’s over how are you wording it. Mentally ill people unless they are schizophrenic do have a grasp of reality. Are you telling her “we are over and done and you need to make arrangements to move out because I’ve met someone else.” Or are you just hinting around at this?
I agree if you want out of the relationship you need to make all your arrangements financially and keep telling her that it’s over and she needs to move.
If she has nowhere to go, then perhaps your best bet is to contact a social worker or her mental health advocate (does she have one) and figure out how to create an exit plan for her. Tossing her out without support is not a nice thing to do. Contact local shelters and mental health facilities to find out what’s available for her… does she get SSI? If not, if she’s unable to work to support herself perhaps you could help her file for SSI so she can get some help… she will need shelter, food stamps, medical assistance and mental health support.
THE HUMAN thing to do is to help set all these things up for her before she has to leave.
BUT also you need to talk to her honestly and set a date for her to be out…
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A
male
reader, hardnut +, writes (7 March 2013):
if she has mental problems, she needs help. She could get social service help including housing and money to eat. Get her signed up for the help and do not see her put on the st. Is wrong wrong wrong. To have and enjoy her for 14 years gives you great responsibliity to help her out. Contact welfare office and tell them her situation. Help her with paper work and such. Its the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): OK, all that was said here is just cruel. If you guys lived together for 14 years, she is your common law wife, and I hope they will make you support her as long as you live. 14 years??!!! Really? And now she is too old, too neurotic and too much of a burden?She shared your life with you for a very long period of time, slept with you and may be cleaned and cooked for you. If you were a good partner you would encourage her to get some education and to build a life of her own, this is what people do when they care. You don't just throw people on a street , where they came from, it's very cruel and irresponsible. Yes, you do need to live your life the way you want, but not for her expense. How are you going to sleep at night knowing that she has nothing and back in a shelter? People end up in shelter for various reasons, she can't be judged for that. It was long in a past. If I was her I would go to court, prove that she was your common law wife and split everything you have, if you have anything.You have no moral support on this from me, you don't just abandone people like that. It's your responsibility to provide for her now at least a little until she gets on her feet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2013):
 I agree with Cerberus.
Get your ducks in a row and definitely out away valuables and get all the banking and other records in order, so IF she is vengeful she can't mess with that. Make sure you change the locks.
Also, talking to a lawyer MIGHT be a good idea, as some states have the Common Law marriages (which means if you have lived and bedded someone for more hen (I think 7 years) she is your common law wife and DOES have some rights.) Not all states have this, but you really do need to look into it.
Sometimes we stay with people not out of love but more out of a sense of obligation or even pity, that is all nice, but YOU also have to live your life.
Help her find a place, HUD perhaps? And help her move what ever few possessions she has there.
And after she is out, STOP all contact with her, don't let her pull on your sympathy strings. When a relationship is over, it is over. It really doesn't matter if SHE doesn't want to accept it, does it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Wow. It sounds like you're trying to get rid of a dog you adopted from a shelter. In those cases, the shelters prefer you return the dog to them, so they can find a more suitable home.
Is this question a moral one or a practical? I mean, do you need assistance de-homing the woman who has shared your life for 14 years, which would fall under the practical column. Or are you asking for moral support for kicking her out with no resources save the ones the state can provide?
If it is the first one, go see an attorney, get all your ducks in a row and evict her. If it is the second, well, you'll have to do that on your own. Maybe find some local shelter willing to house and clothe and feed her. A woman's shelter may be able to help.
More information about the situation may help the aunts here to give you more helpful advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Hi there :) I think this can work both ways, but you should do the right thing. Firstly break up completely with her (but still allow her to live with you). Then tell her she needs to move out, but I think you should give her a month - 6 weeks to find somewhere. Don't just kick her out on the streets, try to be sympathetic. Even help her to find somewhere. If she still hasn't moved out after 2 months that's when you should tell her to leave, but I just think you should give her some time first :) I agree with a lot of what Cerberus said, but I still feel sorry for this woman, she probably had it tough when she was younger. If she didn't move out after 2 months you could even pay for her to rent a cheap room for a month.... but she needs to learn to be independent - but this won't happen overnight. Best wishes to both of you and God bless ;)
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 March 2013):
I agree with what was previously suggested. The bottom line is that she is probably going to end up homeless again, and if that happened it wouldn't be your fault. There isn't much you can do except give her a chance to get a job and find a place. There are plenty of government programs that may help her out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Put all your most valuable possessions in storage or a family members place. Change all codes, passwords and pin numbers to your bank cards, email addresses, credit cards, bank accounts and basically secure your life from a possible shitstorm of retribution from her.
Then give her a month to get her shit together and get out. But of course help her in anyway you can. Look for social housing, welfare, maybe give her enough for a deposit and a months rent on a new apartment (paid directly to the new landlord of course).
OP if it's over and you want to move on, kick her out. Do it as nicely and with as much support as possible but she has to go. There is no room for sentimentality here. If she won't accept you're over and won't leave on her own then you have to prove to her you're serious.
What happens her after she's gone is none of your concern as long as you do your best to help set her up, that's all you can do.
I'd kick her out, no qualms at all, no sentimentality no tears or pity. Just gone.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 March 2013):
Dear OP,
I would find it fair, if after 14 years of relationship, you give her some time to find a new place and help her sort out her situation before you ask her to move out (I assume you both are living at your place). A break up like this might need some time. Sit together and talk, sort out who is going to do what, how to stay in contact..
If I understood this post correctly, you provided for her all this time, but there is no marriage contract or anything. But she actually lived like your wife and also played that role in your life. So you took over some responsibility for her, because there was an unwritten agreement and years of habit that you would care for her.
I would advise you to not just let her down when it comes to money, but make some sort of agreement. As far as I know, nobody can force you to help her, but this is a longterm relationship where she relied on you and you seemed to be okay with it.
As for her to accept the relationship is over.. it's difficult, but it will help if you are very clear about why you want it to be over and that you are 100% sure about this. Also, show it in your behaviour, e.g. by sleeping in a different bed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): You've already told her the relationship is over, so you just need to start acting it. Stop calling her or returning her calls or emails. And just get on with the rest of your life. break ups are a part of life, everyone goes through them. it's not doing her a disservice just to break up with her.
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