A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I could do with some wisdom/isight/davice/thoughts on this...thanksLast weekend it was arranged that myself and a man I having been casually seeing on and off (he lives in another country) would meet in Milan. This involved me flying over from the Uk to meet him.It had been arranged for a few weeks prior to this and we had spoken via message about it. I was looking forward to it and from what he was saying, so was he. The day before we were due to meet, he said he was short of money and only had enough to buy a train ticket to come and meet me, but that he wanted to see me. I said Ok, I have money. I had already booked and paid for my flight and the hotel for us. He agreed to come. I flew over from London early in the morning. When I arrived at the hotel I saw that he had sent me a text message saying that he was sorry but that he was sick and would not be able to come. I was stunned and shocked. I didn't know what to say.I wished him well but part of me didn't believe him. He did apologise but if I'm honest, not s much as I would've liked or expected if it was the other way round and I had been the one to stand him up, sick or otherwise, after he had flow from another country to meet me. Alone, in a strange city and feeling utterly wretched, I brooded about it all day and could not escape the thought that had the boot been on the other foot I would've had to have been pretty much dying before I would've let him down like that.I understood that he was ill (even though I couldn't escape this niggling feeling that he might not be telling the truth) but it was his attitude that really hurt me. He did not message me throughout the day, even though I could see that he was on-line at various times. Presumably unless his illness included temporary paralysis of the fingers he could've texted or even rung to see if I was OK. He didn't.Eventually I caved in after a few consolatory vodkas from the mini bar and tried to suss him out a bit. I was honest and told him I felt let down and that I would not have done the same to him unless it had been absolutely physically impossible for me to travel. (he had to come two hours by train, me three and a half by train, plane and taxi). I had also told him I would've taken care of him if he was sick and looked after him. In fact, I probably would have done anything rather than leave him alone in a strange city and let him down. He did not mention making it up to me (he obviously felt no need of that) or when or if we might met again. He did say he was sorry but that "if I'm sick then I'm sick.' I felt very rejected, angry and upset.Perhaps he really was sick, but it was his lack of understanding towards me and the situation he left me in that really hurt me. It seemed he didn't really understand why I was so upset. I spent the weekend alone, walking the streets of Milan (nice BTW) and getting hassled by Italian men (not so nice BTW). I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so bad. I got taking to an italian girl and her boyfriend and blurted out my tale of sorrow to see what they made of it. They both agreed respectively that had he really, really wanted to see me, sick or otherwise, he would of come, also that he would be calling, texting or trying to make amends in some way to me because they would feel TERRIBLE about doing this to someone they supposedly liked and cared about. They told me to forget him and that he sounded quite arrogant. I was beginining to feel the same way, reluctantly. He seemed unmoved when I sent him a picture message of the view from the hotel to say goodbye when it came for me to leave. In fact he didn't respond even though I could see he was on line. No, 'have a safe flight, sorry again,' nothing. I was devastated, and confused. I started to feel utterly humiliated by him.On the plane home I thought about how it had been the most awful weekend ever and how dejected and unhappy I felt about it all. I began to feel a little cross as well. I could appreciate that sometimes these things happen, we all get sick and I am a reasonable person, but it was everything else of top of it.When I arrived home, still stewing, I sent him a message. I was honest and told him how upset i was and by the fact he didn't seem too bothered about any of this, that he didn't seem to care very much and that it seemed I obviously wasn't important to him. I was angry but I was not nasty. I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell me otherwise.He said I was important and that he loved spending time with me (clearly just not this time!) but that he couldn't stand to read another text like this from meand if I didn't believe him not to write to him again. I said 'fine.' I did not send him another text message. The next day he apologised saying he had been 'stressed' the day before and was angry that I didn;t seem to believe him (even though I had never actually said I didn't believe him). I tried to explain that it wasn;t that I didnt understand him being ill, of course I did, it was more his attitude afterwards. I appreciate that we're different people, and people deal with things differently, no right or wrong, but MOST people I know would be devastated to let someone down like that and would have at least phoned them to tell them tired to make it up to them, re-arranged to meet, and certainnly called/messaged to make sure they were ok for that weekend. I accepted his apology (too soon I think) and tried to be nice by sending him a little photo of a place he really likes in Spain just to show that I was dealing with it. I could see he was on-line. He didn't respond. I was so cross that I sent him a message just saying, 'I guess you do not want to keep in contact.'he replied saying he too was upset and that 'destiny didn't allow us to meet this time.' (rolls eyes). I told him we make our own destiny. He responded but I have not replied. I realise I am not going to get the words I wanted to hear so I don;t see the point. But I am very sad about it he seemed like such a lovely person and I was very shocked and disappointed. Do you think I have thought the worst and am being negative, or do you think I have every right to feel the way I do. I tried to handle it as best I could but it has been incredibly hard not to message him and get angry. Clearly it meant more to me than it did to him?What do you think I should do? Should I forget this person? Forgive him? I cannot make up my mind whether I overreacted, under-reacted, made a fool of myself, or if he is just a user and waste of space.Any thoughts to help the confusion? I am still so upset.
View related questions:
money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): This Guy is married or in another relationship
Forget him
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): So what they say about Italian men is true. My coworker went to Italy with her teen daughter. All the men were ogling her daughter. My coworker told me she never felt so old in all her life.
Yes, this loser took you for a ride. Cease all contact with him. He is a waste of space.
Next time, let them come fly in to see you and pay their own way with THEIR cash and that is ONLY if you know them very well and ONLY after you have done a through background check on them. There are dangerous men out there looking for easy prey. You need to protect yourself at all costs and REALLY KNOW who you are dealing with.
Chalk it up to a hard and expensive lesson learned.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): I love all the answers given by the female readers below. This jerk may have been married, and stringing you and several other women along. He was just an on-line Romeo stroking his ego, and heaven knows what else.
He probably didn't want you to see what he really looked like, he didn't want you to know he couldn't afford the trip, or he didn't think you'd actually be foolish enough travel so far to meet up with him. I say this out of tough-love, because I'm hoping you and other women caught up in "cyber-romances" don't abandon your better judgment and place yourselves at risk.
Haven't you read about women disappearing never to be found meeting up with men, far from the safety of their homes and loved-ones? I have several sisters and female friends I truly care about, and it really scares me that it is possible that anyone in these days and times would take such a risk.
Please take my words, and the words of all these wise women, only as advice in your best interest. I am only adamant about this, because we are in an age where the most dangerous people find ways to take advantage of trusting and innocent people.
You had an intriguing experience. Don't ever do it again!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): This is what I would do. I would never pay for him, ever. But if I desided still go see MIlan,mi would go to a bar, picked up a handsome guy and had sex with him.
I would also understand immediately that the guy who says he is sick to the point that he can't comeup to see a woman doesn't worth that much,mthats if I believed him. I wouldn't believe him, and I would feel heart, but I would never wonder about my feelings. You keep on giving. Him a benefit o a doubt, why?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 ONE thought.... NEXT!
he's a jerk.
you should have been concerned when he hemmed and hawed about money.
as for being abandoned in a strange city... please.. you paid for yourself you got yourself there, you covered your expenses... Yes it's more fun to have a friend to do things with but you could have salvaged the weekend by enjoying yourself!
I would not forgive him
I would not give him a second thought
He's a waste of time and space...
nothing more needs to be said and done
delete his info and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Hi
As soon as he tried to get out of meeting by saying he was short of money alarm bells would have rung.
It was just a casual relationship,you don't even live in the same country. You flew to another country to meet and he let you down big time. His actions alone should tell you what you are dealing with here.
Don't flog a dead horse.
Use your energy to persue a relationship with a genuine man in your own country and forget this other man,delete him from your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Oh for heaven's sake, cut him off and don't bother trying to keep a relationship going with him. He's a flake. If you invest any more time into this guy, you are completely wasting your time.
He knew he couldn't come to meet you there, and he totally chickened out. He's not a man, he's a scared and sorry excuse for a coward.
There's no confusion, he's not worth your time, sorry he may have mental/health/financial problems but those are his issues to deal with.
Stop trying to be so "nice" and set some standards and some boundaries. Yes, you have every right to be annoyed but for heaven's sake don't put so much trust in a guy who you don't know very well, okay?
If you spend one single second trying to message this guy or apologizing or listening to an apology from him then you are completely wasting your time.
Cut your losses, cut him out of your life and be happy you are rid of him, okay?
I sincerely hope you have rounded up all your girlfriends and that they are supporting you through the disappointment. If you don't have any girlfriends, then it's time to get some, woman!!! Empower yourself, okay?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): You were suckered by a fraud. Why would you give him the time of day, let alone forgive him? Your best move is to forget him and move on. Things could have been worse. He could have done you harm, robbed you, or worse. You were foolish from start to finish.
I'm so happy that you lived to tell your tale of woe. I'm glad you met some empathetic people who kept you company through part of the ordeal. I'm also glad you threw back a few vodkas and gave Mr. A-hole a piece of your mind. Have you learned your lesson?
Move on and more power to you! Your story would make a great movie. You had a happy ending...you're alive!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 March 2013):
 The guy you are seeing abandons you in a strange city and you are wondering whether you over reacted??? Jesus!! have women really become so delusional and pathetic that they cannot feel totally vindicated at blowing their top and tellthe guy to f**k off??????????
Why are you trying to find every excuse under the sun to forgive a guy who does not give a flying crap about you??? Are you that desperate to have a man in your life you are prepared to kiss this guys ass when he has treated you like dirt??
He dumped you when he knew you were on your way, made up some lame ass excuse why he couldn't come. Accused you of sending a text he 'couldn't stand to read' so suggested you didn't contact him again??? (excuse me but you gotta know this is the number one line a guy will use to get rid of you, whilst cleverly twisting it to look like your fault)...
'you sent me a bad text for my shitty behaviour and I don't like it (boo fucking hoo) now I think you should just go away' (how fricken convienient)
Anything could have happened to you in that strange place...robbed raped or murdered and he didn't even have one ounce of care to check if you were ok????....and you're still trying to not be too tough on him??? wtf???
For the love of God or whoever, lady you gotta toughen up, open your eyes, recognise when someone treats you like shit then you gotta get outta the way...you know???...So they cannot do that to you again???
If it were me and a guy treated me like that (however cute he was) I'd tell him to get the hell away from me because he is a selfish, uncaring pig and he should be in the zoo with all the other animals!!! (and that's being mean to actual animals)
You need to grow a backbone or men will just crucify you forever more!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): This is why LDR's do not work. You said it was a casual on/off relationship? I am worried about that to start with more then anything. How can people relate to each other with distance between them? It seems he took a very casual attitude to all this and to you. If you want something serious, try a little closer to home, with a person you can actually see and talk to and meet up weekly and more to build trust, respect and love between you. That is nigh on impossible when there are miles between individuals.
...............................
|
