A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya. I am 26 and I have been in a relationship for 7 years now. It isn't a healthy relationship, and for the past couple of years I have been waking up at night, from dreaming about meeting somebody new and falling in love.At the weekend I met an amazing guy who made me feel the way I've been longing to feel - alive. I never ever felt excitement with my boyfriend, even at the start of the relationship, and I could never really be myself with him (almost scared to be myself cos he woulnd't approve). Now, I have woken up to the possibility that there is more out there, and that being single for the rest of my life is a better thing than being with someone who makes you feel 'dead'. By problem now is, how do I end a 7 year relationship? As although we don't see or talk to eachother that much, this will come out of the blue for him as he often took me for granted and never thought I'd ever leave him. He was more I don't want to hurt him, but I need to break free. How do I do this?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): you're not a bad person, don't feel bad. Heck, he himself said he didn't care and you can do whatever you want!
just give yourself time. you'll feel better once time and distance have had a chance to normalize you to a new state of not being part of this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your answers, I told him this morning that I needed time on my own and didn't feel the relationship was right.
He said he didn't care, and I should do what I want. I think he seemed like he didn't take me seriously!
I don't live with him, but was meant to be buying a house with him. I feel like i have stockholm syndrome and I'm finding it very hard to break away, especially after seeing him again. I know in my heart of hearts I won't feel the way I want to feel, with him. but I do feel every other strong feeling - and its hard to cope and not contact him, despite meeting someone else (who I'm crazy about). I feel like such a bad person for being so confused, and slightly sick to the stomach.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): There is never a 'good' way to break up with someone, you have to just do it.however, it's natural he will want to know what went wrong. This is where it's a slippery slope towards blaming and finger pointing and the break up goes worse than it has to be. here's where you should take an honest look at yourself and own up to YOUR contribution in the deterioration of your relationship. Don't make the failure of the relationship an indictment on his character, instead acknowledge your contribution to it. for example, for years you were dissastisfied. But did you say anything to him about it? Did you give him a chance to work on the relationship? Even if you didn't that doesn't mean you don't have a right to break up, it just means you should be honest and take responsibility of the part you played in the poor relationship between you. Also, don't couch statements as questions which is what many people try to do to get the other person to say it first. For example dont' say "so what do you think of this relationship?" when what you really mean is that you want to break up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): Hi,
if you think that this relationship can go no further then the best thing to do is to tell him exactly how you feel. It would be better for you and him. Try not to use the phrase: 'i feel dead with you.' You don't want to be harsh as this has a negative effect and this could effect your relationship when you have broken up. You should let him down easy in a quiet place where you can tell him how the relationship is deteriorating and how you feel you want to be a bit more free. If he loves you then he will understand how you feel, but if the relationship is how you described it then he might even feel the way you do too. Don't mention how you have met someone else because he will feel like second best. :)x
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Do you live with him? Are you financially dependent on him, or him on you? What exactly makes the breakup difficult?
If you are two separate people with separate economies and separate homes, all it takes is the word from you "we're over" and not to have sex with him or kiss him again. And then you'll be over, and you are free to be with someone else.
You've gotten to the stage in your relationship where you know you don't want to be with him. From here on and out all you're doing is stalling the unavoidable. Figure out when the right time for YOU is to tell him, and then go ahead. Tell him in person, explain the reasons why in a polite way.
Here's the normal list of things to go through:
Don't tell him you feel dead with him, just say you have grown apart, you don't feel you can be all that you are with him. That the relationship is holding you back from developing as a person, and that you think you just aren't right for each other any more. You had a wonderful time with him, but your relationship couldn't last forever, and it is better to end it while you are both young and can go out and enjoy life and find someone more suitable. You treasure him as a friend, and don't want the two of you to become enemies. But for the first 2-4 months of your break-up you need to have as little contact as possible. Comfort each other and cry, have break-up sex if you want to, but be NICE to each other, have a civil break-up with no arguing, no war. Let it end peacefully.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Although you may think this will come as a surprise to him, there must also be thoughts in his mind that the relationship is not even close to "okay".
Start with what you know you know: The current relationship is going nowhere, it doesn't appear it can be fixed or you even have the desire to fix it, and you know there are much better options out there.
You can handle this in a very straightforward way. Ask him to meet up for lunch. Tell him that there just isn't anything left in the tank for you, and you feel it is in the best interest for both of you to move on.
I wouldn't focus as much on asking him what he thinks about the current situation, because that really will go nowhere and just gives him a chance to talk you out of your decision. I also wouldn't breathe a word about having met someone else, because that will just open up all kinds of issues for him to latch on to. He could blame you, blame that, and have something to hold against you.
Just go into the meeting with your mind made up, if that is in fact the case. And stick to your guns. He will probably try to talk you out of the decision initially, even if he doesn't really want to continue in the relationship either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): Tell him nicely but firmly that this relationship isn't working. Since you feel it maybe out of the blue for him, give him time to come to terms with your decision. 7 years is a long time to be a part of someone but since you don't ? each other much he may not take it so bad. Goodluck
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