A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a question about what to do regarding a specific behaviour by a friendly couple. I am thinking about this in a general context of re-evaluating my own behaviours within friendships (and relationships with men) because a consistent, recurring factor is that I myself allow people to treat me badly, negate my own needs and, instead and one way or another, become the 'carer' or the one doing the most giving. I learned from childhood to negate my own needs and only serve others. So, I am reading up about how this happens and I am re-evaluating past and ALL current friendships so that I re-learn my own behaviours and create new patterns where I ensure there is more reciprocality. Most important of all is that I am looking out for early or even quite small signs that someone is effectively de-valuing me in order that they themselves do not become inconvenienced.This issue with this couple is both straightforward but also weird enough to leave me not knowing how to respond in a way that ensures they are not going to devalue me if I retain the friendship.It is a light, general friendship that began when we were neighbours. I lived in a property for 3 years and immediately got on well with my neighbours. They gave me a moving in card and invited me to the pub with their other neighbours. They are retired, but extremely active and 'young' for their age. They don't have any family commitments and they do things like community groups, go travelling a lot and so on. I am probably about 15 - 20 years younger, single, working and studying to a very high level. During the time we lived next door to one another we would chat at length if we saw one another out on the street / in our front gardens, do small favours eg. take in deliveries, they would come over to mine now and again for wine or a meal and vice versa. When I moved home, we exchanged gifts and said we wanted to keep in touch. During this early period of moving, some issues arose with my post - I had redirected it but some post kept going to my old address. A friend of mine called round a few times to get it and all was fine, but my neighbours were aware this was a bit of an issue for me. At one stage, I was expecting a very important letter from the hospital and it didn't arrive to my new address. I texted them and asked one favour - could they please ask the new person if a letter had been sent to my old address. They said it had BUT they also gave the new person my new address without asking my permission.To my mind, this is not acceptable, and I was surprised by it. I checked with closer friends I've known for years and they said "No way, no one should do that without asking first". I was a bit shocked that they did this, and I sent a gentle text thanking them for checking but also saying that I was trusting them with my private details. I hoped, from this, that they would understand that I didn't want them to give out my details to anyone.Shortly after this and after I'd moved, I invited them over for dinner and we had a lovely time and later said they had such a lovely time. Since then, they have invited me back to theirs a few times but, by chance, I've been away and / or another thing that has affected me going to there's is that I had a major operation over a year ago. We've kept in touch by text and they send me birthday cards and Xmas cards and this is reciprocated on my part.Now for the issue in question: In the time I was their neighbour, they knew I had a health condition and the only choice I had was to have an operation that carried risks with it. They themselves would actively ask how I was and if I had thought anymore about the operation. This came up several times from them and was not initiated by me. Finally, a few months after moving home, I got a date for this operation and I told them by text because they had invited me over to theirs but this was on the date of the operation. They said this was fantastic news that I'd got the operation date.After that, a Xmas card and New Year's text messages, messages inviting me to their community events and so on BUT - no mention whatsoever of my operation. It has been over a year, now, since I had the operation, and they don't mention it at all. What's been upsetting was that I had very bad side effects that have not worn off after one year and at no point have they asked me how I am. They have invited me out to a choir event, and over for dinner, and each time I've said I'm not able to because I'm still recovering from surgery. BUT they still will not mention the surgery at all. In the context of someone sending Xmas cards, birthday cards, sending warm text messages and inviting me over and vice versa, I am finding this silence regarding my operation confusing. I KNOW that some people cannot cope when a friend - not even a close friend - has an operation - I've heard about people simply 'disappearing' on their friends. I KNOW that, however awkwardly, they are saying something like " we don't want to acknowledge your operation because we enjoy your company but we don't want to get drawn into a situation in which we might end up having to do caring stuff for you". I know I've only ever asked them one favour ie. to check if a letter arrived, so I feel sure that their guardedness is either because they have been drawn into difficult situations in the past and want to prevent this, or they just want to assert a healthy boundary on the friendship.I do understand this and I do respect it and I know it is may be a healthy thing to do.BUTThis is happening in the context of me consistently - I mean all my life - devaluing myself and negating my own needs and forgiving people over and again when they don't help or support me. I was extreme about this, to the point that I ended up physically ill with stress and no support system at all. ALL I would have expected from these friends was a card, or a text message now and again, to acknowledge the operation and wish me well. I know they are asserting their own limits, and perhaps they could have done this a little more gently - as a friend pointed out, it's very hurtful to find out at the actual time of recovering from surgery that your friends are going to behave like this, without any indication otherwise - but I am not sure how to proceed because, whilst they are doing this, I am actively trying to value myself and ensure that other people do, even if this is in very small ways. So, whilst I could very easily do nothing and just resume the friendship pattern because, after all, it is just a general friendship, with limited expectations, I am against the idea of accepting a 'silence' around my operation, because I find this in itself devaluing. I know it will seem like I'm over-thinking this but this is a stage at the moment where I am trying to undo years and years of self-negation and allowing others to negate me. I want to learn how to enact even small behaviours to ensure I don't go on a 'slippery slope' of being treated badly or like a 'non-person' - and people being silent about my needs and expecting me to accept this silence has been one of the ways in which I've self-negated. I know it means going back to the start and practicing to get right the little things that others are able to do automatically. It probably will mean a very small act on my part, or even thinking about this slightly differently, but I don't know what it is. Any ideas? I've asked my closer friends and they are a bit baffled as to how to proceed, but do agree it's confusing and a hurtful of them and I am right to feel confused about how to proceed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018): Thank you Anonymous 123 - them giving out my private address was such a shock to me that it alerted me to the idea that, as potential friends - only potential, mind you - rather than only just neighbours, they may not be reliable. I was a bit uncomfortable about having to draw their attention to what I think is a basic lack of respect (in this case, for normal boundaries) and I think the thing about not receiving a card or acknowledgement of my operation is a similar issue - it's about feeling confused when someone doesn't stick to normal etiquette, nothing more, nothing less. I didn't want or expect them to care for me when I was recovering - I certainly don't walk around feeling like they or the world owes me, but I'm trying to get out of a mindset that has been more like "I owe the world and everyone in it and can't expect anything in return otherwise I'm selfish". I was just confused by how people who do things like send me a birthday card each year - I mean, even some of my good friends don't that - wouldn't acknowledge an operation that they had previously shown great interest in. I am going to remain friendly with them but will just put up a healthy boundary too ie. see them now and again, but not let them any further into my private life and not expect to become closer with them as friends. It was a "situational friendship" in the sense that it worked for that previous situation, but as soon as that situation changed, they showed inconsistent - potentially disrespectful - behaviour. So, I will direct my time and love and energy towards others who have treated me better. This is all I wanted to figure out - yes, it's very basic, but I'm only now learning this. Thanks for the help!
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 January 2018):
 For the record I too agree that they were out of line giving out your address. Addresses and mobile numbers should never be handed out... It's common courtesy and decency.
Anyway now you know where you stand with the. Treat then the same way. These people are harmless and from what I understand, pretty useless as friends. Don't expect anything from them and again, it's nothing to do with you- that's just how they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018): Thank you CindyCares, for your thoughtful response. I was actually thinking along similar lines myself, regarding the idea that you articulate: "the world doesn't owe us". I also realised that, when I moved into the place next door to them, it was immediately after a very bad break up from a long term relationship, which also involved me having to sell my home that I'd loved and never wanted to leave - so, I was very vulnerable at the time and it may be that, whilst I tried hard to keep any neediness 'in check' I was vulnerably underneath. It's not that I'm angry with them at all - okay, maybe about 1% - just more like confused because I've always gotten on well with neighbours but never to the point where it's tipped the balance into more like a friendship - though I know it's not that either. I'm actually doing all this 'over-thinking' so that I can get back to being the giving and loving person I was, but without being used and hurt as much as I have been - so a little over-vigilance is inevitable right now, I think. Anyway, thanks for writing in!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 January 2018):
 Often, it all depends from your expectations, and from your definition of a social role or situation.
I think you have " miscasted " this people. If you had really been friends, i.e having the kind of interaction based on affection, mutual confidence, emotional closeness that generally this kind of relatioship implies, then you'd be right in being slightly upset. I say slightly because, come on, we are all human and human nature is selfish and prone to let social priorities slide due to the pressure of personal business, or just because of physical distance. In other words, out of sight out of mind, and at times it happens that even best friends, once physically afar, slack down in keeping up with you and participating promptly in your joys and sorrows, ips and downs. Which is forgivable, IMO, nevertheless it does hurt and rankle somewhat.
But, these people ? All your past interactions, the way you describe it, talk about their being neighbours: friendly neighbours, polite neighbours, pleasant people- but acquaintances, social acquantainces. The kind of people , and of relationship, where you limit your demands and expectations to the here and now. It's nice that you both still keep in touch every now and then, if both parties feel like, and it may be pleasant to get together for the once in a blue moon cup of coffe, why not- but I feel that you are saddling these polite , well meaning EX neighbours ( and , basically, strangers ) with all the weight of your unmet emotional demands.
I am sure you are doing a great, valuable work on yourself and that's brilliant , but beware, there's a very fine line between making sure that our needs are not negated and our voice does not go constantly unheard- and assuming that the world at large owe us, and everybody and his sister are responsible for making us feel good at our own terms and conditions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2018):
Thanks for the responses. Anonymous 123, I think your response is perfect - I am sensitive to being treated badly and I am bringing a different level of thought to the situation than they themselves are.
As I expected, the other response was very critical and judgemental of me, based on one question and just because I scrutinised an aspect of a relationship which, as I'd already explained, was part of me consciously trying to stop being used as a doormat by people. The problem has actually been not having high enough expectations of others for years, NOT the other way around.
For the record, I asked my neighbours on one occasion if they could pop next door and ask the new occupant if one letter had arrived for me. After three years of doing things like watering their garden when they were away, taking in their packages when they were out and each of us regularly popping round to each other's houses, I don't see how this was a "pretty high" expectation, just a normal favour. I've never asked anything of them that would inconvenience them in any way. And I do completely trust my close friends' opinion that it is not okay to give out anyone's private address without their permission - I wouldn't do this to my close friends and they wouldn't do it to me.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 January 2018):
All that comes to my mind is that some people don't want to get personally involved in other people's problems. They just want to meet in good times, share some happy moments and then go their way. Maybe this couple is like that? As long as you were next door, they were asking you about your health out of civility but now that they don't live next door, they don't really even pretend to care.
You say that they are socially active and go travelling. They probably have lots of friends and you're just one of them and while you are giving them a lot of thought, you are in all likelihood just another name in their friend list. If you're free and available for a chat and dinner then cool. If not, then there's always someone else. They're not really personally involved and I'm guessing that's just how they are. I don't think it has anything to do with you, per se.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (2 January 2018):
So basically your ex neighbours have not asked about how you are doing after an operation and you are pissed off about it.
I suspect from what you have written, you are a pleasant but highly strung person with high expectations of your relationships.
Your expectations of what neighbours should have to do to get your mail seems pretty high, I suspect they thought it was a bit excessive too, they tried to streamline it by giving your new address to the new occupiers- a very low risk if you ask me and you were unhappy with it.
Since then you have seen eachother a few times but since you no longer live close you have not been able to commit much time to them in spite of their invitations.
They very likely have reasonably assumed that you are drifting away as old neighbours do. They have let you drift away. They possibly no longer feel able to ask you personal questions like the outcome of your operation. It's possible they may have worried about feeling obliged to offer assistance but that's likely given how high the mail expectations were and the fact that you are just ex-neighbours to eachother.
I worry that your expectations of relationships are a little high. Especially trivial relationships.
I worry that you don't form strong relationships because you bend them out of shape with these unrealistic expectations. Strong relationships are formed with chemistry and vulnerability, common experiences and humour. I don't think your friendships can be measured in Xmas cards.
I think this pattern may be about somehow picking up some bad people, but mostly about how you're relating to all people.
I suspect your closer friends are a bit baffled because this is the kind of thing they would just let go. You waste more energy obsessing about a piece of slightly below par behaviour that you would shrugging and getting on with your life. Do that instead. You yourself have only called them neighbours. I guess they only have to be neighbourly when you live next to them.
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