A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I got married when I was very young and the marriage lasted around four years. My home life prior to that had been extremely chaotic with a severely schizophrenic/violent elder sister and an abusive mother. In contrast my husband seemed calm, but I now realise that he was perhaps slightly mentally ill or extremely immature because he was so divorced from reality as most people understand it. He never worked in a proper job but expected, somehow, that life was to be blissful. As he was a smoker and a drinker I had to go without so much at a very young age, even not eating some days. I did try to work and I did excel by going back to college, but this was all very difficult because any time I did work I was giving most of my money to him. Finally I said I could not take any more because I wanted a nicer life for my daughter - he was making me do things like scour the streets for dropped coins to buy her a sweetie with and we pawned everything we owned. He later insisted that I had said that I wanted to be a single parent - this is typical of how he would twist everything that I said. I rarely ever think about my ex husband, partly because for years I felt that he was controlling/punishing me, after our marriage ended, by doing absolutely nothing at all - I feel that he knew that by doing nothing to help I would suffer because I would try my best to work hard for my daughter's sake. so I did my best to not think about him. I mean by this that what happened was that he never offered any financial or practical help after a life with him on the dole and him complaining that he wanted "a sensual life" whilst doing zero to provide it. Back then this ruined my self esteem because I felt responsible for everything not working. After our marriage ended I think he gave his mother the impression that, because I wanted an actual life, I was therefore domineering and manipulative. She, in turn, later attempted to turn my own daughter against me by literally lying about things that I had apparently said on the 'phone to her and constantly defended her son saying that he was "not in a position" to help me in any way.After our initial separation (this came when he screamed at me that I was unfit to be a mother), he told me he needed time to think and moved back to our home town. Then he did not contact me for over one year and his mother refused to tell me where he was. During this time, our daughter, who was then around five years old, was deeply upset because she had adored her Dad, and I found it almost impossible to explain to her because I did not know what was going on. I feel that he wanted to cause me hurt by hurting her. During this time it seems that he had also met someone else - he has actually had several relationships and one more marriage, none of which have worked. She had understood, in her own sweet childlike way, that we were living separately but was used to seeing her Daddy a lot as he lived nearby. I did not get married because I was pregant, I married for love, but I was totally naive in regard to men and became pregnant soon after - my husband had never had a job except for a YTA scheme for one year and he was an idealist who loved poetry, art etc. He was ten years older than me and, I see now, had been totally dominated by his mother all his life, so was incapable of taking control of his life and making good decisions even though he had been to uni.Leaving aside, momentarily, that my daughter suffered pain for years over her father's behaviour, his withdrawal had a devastating effect on my career and my health - I have no family at all, and when my mother was alive she was abusive towards me, continually putting me down. I worked in paid jobs that I hated in order to give my daughter a better life and. after work, took her to groups like Brownies and drama and many other things in order to try to compensate even in a small way for her lack of family. I was isolated at work and not able to meet up with other Mum's due to never coming into contact with them, so was very, very alone. My working also meant that we were not eligible for assisted housing because we were seen as financially independent - even though we were living, initially, well below the amounts paid out for unemployment benefit. I found this incredibly hard as we then had to pay huge private rents instead. Also, at that time, the conservative government were calling single mums "the scum of society" and I found that people generally were shocked to find that I was a young mum and a bit suspicious in some cases. I cannot convey how difficult this time was and how hard I worked to scrape us out of that situation. For years I travelled across the country to literally deliver my daughter to see her father, using time and money that I could not afford. I was continually exhausted. I did this until she was 16 and old enough to understand that I could not keep making up for his lack of interest. He has never had a job, so there has been no point in chasing for maintenance of any kind.Our lives are now all but transformed due to my hard work - I have a property that I bought and renovated from being a wreck and am starting to excel in a career that is now of my choice, whilst my daughter is at university and overall very happy. We have a very strong and happy relationship overall. For years the only contact I had with her father was a letter that I wrote about two years ago, which was when my daughter was (for a few months) feeling depressed at realising that her Dad was not like the Dad's of the other kids at Uni. and finding college life hard due to having to work for money as well. My friend encouraged me to tell him how much his absence was affecting her,so I wrote a letter that was only about her, nothing was mentioned about how I felt about the way he had treated us etc. After that he did start 'phoning her but did not contact me or acknowledge my letter.Recently he came into some money and visited my daughter. She found this very hard because he simply was so quiet, but I know that it meant a lot to her that he went to see her.My problem is that, much as I love my life now, my health has been wrecked with stress and sheer hard work. Basically, I burned out a few years ago and have never quite recovered since. My career is going fine for now, but I am aware that I am only firing on about 20% of my energies as I am almost constantly ill. I desparately need to get a better job in my field but these jobs are so very difficult to get, if they come up at all. Otherwise I face losing the home that I worked so hard for. I just can't face going back to the subservient type of work that I did in an office as this really wrecked my health. Also, when my daughter saw her father again, I felt genuinely glad for her because she said that, complicated as it and he are, she was still glad to see him. But soon after it really did dawn on me that for years and years I have worried myself sick trying to provide so much for my daughter and yet she has basically had half of everything - half the love, half the financial support, pretty much no family at all. I suddenly felt so very angry, furious with him and that he had no right to see my daughter. Of course he does have every legal right, but I feel that after such complete and severe neglect of her and then such horrible treatment towards me, I don't want him anywhere near her. I realise that she is now fully grown and that he does not have to acknowledge me at all, but it made me sick to think that he just walked back into her life and has never once thanked me in any way for making sure that our daughter did get a better life, or acknowledge my hard work or that he let us both down. Then I am confused as to why I even want his acknowledgement at all - conversely, I also feel like I don't! I realise that his lack of support majorly contributed to me feeling very low and depressed and powerless for so many years and did negatively affect my own and my daughter's quality of life in a way that I still have not recovered from. What I am unclear about is how do I discuss with my daughter any future contact she has with him if it is the case that he really is mentally ill? And how can I get a healthy and less victim-like view on how he has treated me? Has anyone else had experience like this? How have they gotten over it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Not only is there no strict criteria, the criteria that does exist (for many if not most of these illnesses) is so vague that it can apply to anybody at a given time. This tendency to label anyone who misbehaves or makes poor choices as mentally ill is damaging.It absolves those who behave badly of the responsibility for their actions. And it robs those around them of the right to hold them accountable for whatever suffering they've had to endure because of it. Your husband has a character flaw, not a mental illness. He acted the way he did, not because of some chemical imbalance in his brain, but because of his lack of concern for anyone or anything beyond himself and his own immediate gratification. He was, without doubt, a very unhappy man, but he had access to the same resources as the rest of us. Therapists and self help books are in abdundance. And he had you.The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to be honest and matter of fact about what your husband is. Don't try to paint him as a sick man who did the best he could. Clearly this isn't true and your daughter doesn't need guilt (for being angry with a sick person who couldn't help himself) on top of anger at being neglected and abandoned by him. By being truthful your daughter will eventually understand that her father's actions were not a reflection of her, or you. She can accept him for what he is without being vulnerable to future injury.You probably don't have to say very much. She's nearly a grown woman, she's observed how other fathers treat their families, she can read and she can ask questions. It is understandable that you would want recognition for all your hard work and sacrifice, even from him. It was his daughter you were raising after all. I think the best way to stop feeling like a victim is to start doing things that make you happy. You've done a lot for your daughter. Do things for yourself too. You deserve a lot of credit. You raised a child by yourself, who not only survived, but thrived. Sure, she'll have some issues to sort out, but everyone does. She's got a bright future ahead of her and that is largely thanks to you.
A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I think you really need to see a counsellor. It is too long for this type of dwelling on your ex-husband of only 4 years. I know how frustrating it is to have to deal with ex's in regards to our children, I am in a similar circumstance myself.However, you MUST move on with your life and stop thinking of the past. You cannot blame him for the way your life has been lived, ONLY for the way your daughter's young life BEGAN. She is an adult now and is entitled to love her dad, and you are an adult now and entitled to feel angry. But, please stop the bitterness, or it will make you sick. And you shouldn't be getting sick from your job, when it is a job that you really enjoy.That is why I think you MUST talk to someone about this, as I think, from what you have written, that you are seriously depressed. Have you had your hormones checked out for menopause? Have you spoken to anyone about your childhood abuse and how hard it was as a single mother for you? I went through this, but didn't have your pride and am on the single mother's pension, as I tried working and paying private rent and had a breakdown due to financial pressure and a very sick daughter (annorexic baby syndrome, she was tube fed and medicated till she was 3 with severe behavioural problems). Her childhood was no joy.You have done it very tough and now is your chance to be sitting back and enjoying all that you have achieved, not dwelling on such pain and sorrow. Please see a counsellor.But there are options for you still. If you do lose your job, or think you may, you can either ask your daugher to help with the cost of bills, etc, if she is still at home. If she wants to move out with her friends which she may well do due to her age, rent out her room. Or, if it is impossible to keep going, sell your house before you lose it and put the money in the bank. Rent a smaller place and see what your options are for going on the pension. Maybe you have severe depression? Maybe you have a chronic illness? These could mean you could get the disability support pension? Look into your options please and don't feel so down. Particularly about some b****d who you were in a relationship with 20 years ago! By now you should have hopefully been in a position to have found a new partner, or a close friend, who would have got you over the last few hurdles of remaining resentment and pain. The way your ex husband has treated you is awful, so don't let him make the rest of your life just as awful, please don't, he's a useless *** - but YOU are NOT. xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 September 2011):
 There is really no strict criterion of what it means to be mentally ill. A narcissistic person can be of sound mind. A bi polar person can also be of sound mind. What I know is that it's not uncommon for a "problematic" father to start calling his daughter a whore for no reason just because he had a frustrating day. It can have a damaging effect that only the father's death can bring about forgiveness.
I would just say to myself this is the best I had done for the family because even though my ex husband is scum I still wanted to love him for the sake of an intact family. Now I decided that's not going to happen and it's for my daughter's best interest to not see him again.
You move on by thinking that you made a good decision of ending contact with your ex for good. When you feel like a victim what you do is to protect yourself from future harm. In actuality you are withholding yourself from the love you want. When you shield yourself from love you are also closing the door to the many available men you desire.
Keep telling yourself you have the power to heal your body and to find love.
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