A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,How do talk about finances with my boyfriend? Currently, he is working in retail while I am unemployed. Before I lost my job, I earned about $22k and worked for six months before getting laid off. My boyfriend is still working and making $30k. While I worked I saved nearly 18k but my boyfriend can barely hold $1000. I invested in stocks and REITS as well as Roth IRA to set myself up for the future until I can get another job and make more money. I want to move out of my parents home and live with my boyfriend, and maybe get married one day. I am only 24 and he is 27. I just worry that I may be the one handling bills and finances while my boyfriend spends freely. I have told him to keep to track of budget and he hasn't done so. Should I just hold off on wanting marriage with this person? I know it's a lot to read, but it has been on my mind for a while now. Thank you for your responses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): I am probably more qualified to understand and answer your question than most. I came from an awful family background and could not wait to get married to escape the family home. If I had been able to I would have left and been a single person but could not afford it. I worked all the hours God sent so that I could get nearer and nearer to being able to be my own person and leave. It also get me out of the house and away from the abuse.One day a nice guy said he wanted to date me, dates led to him telling me he loved me and asking me to get married. I knew he had a lot of flaws and was not really my type, I felt no love for him but I was determined to leave my abusive family and get away and there was no other way so I said yes.Now skip forward a year. We are a married couple buying a small ordinary home. He is complaining because his family always rented and he wanted to rent. I had insisted we bought. But I had to pay the deposit. I had to make sure the payments were met. I had to earn the money and do two jobs. He was often sitting around watching television or down the bar drinking.He then starts to demand I give him money for various luxuries. At the time we didnt even have the spare cash to buy a new boiler so that the central heating worked, we also needed new windows where the wooden windows had gone rotten, the place was in a state and badly needed money spent on it. But he wanted to buy expensive tropical fish. He wanted to buy a huge expensive greenhouse to put out the back. He wanted to fill it with very expensive plants. Despite the fact that the fences around the back were all falling to pieces.Of course I said no.He then started to hit me. He got very violent whenever I said no to paying for all of his luxuries. I was a young woman. It would have been lunacy to return to my abusive parents. So I secretly and slowly saved up so that I could get away from him.You should always be very financial cautious.You should always be very picky about who you are with.You should always bear in mind that in many cases once you live with the guy he loses interest in getting married. He has no need to. He is getting what he wants without it.You would so sensible, very much like me, only with more choices. Right now you could stay with your family without suffering abuse. To me that sounds like the best thing for you to do. Wait for a more mature and responsible man to come along.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): You've got a good head on your shoulders. You're considering the things most people in your age-group will overlook; as demonstrated by your older and less-responsible boyfriend.
If you don't want to immediately deplete your hard-earned savings; you must discuss how fiances will be handled, and it must be proven to you first. Do not move-in with anyone while you're unemployed. You should not be financially-dependent on any man; and no man should be completely financially-dependent on you. It doesn't matter who earns the most; it matters how money is handled between, and by, the two of you.
Set him a financial-goal to achieve; and wait and see if he can meet it. Like paying-off credit cards or other pressing balances on bills. Saving requires discipline, and it also has to become a habit. In a tricky economy, you cannot afford unnecessary risks; or impetuous actions that will lead to loss and regret. You've seen how he manages his money; and no...he's not going to make a miraculous about-face, just because you move-in together.
There is a caveat to consider. Expecting to change people once you've placed yourself directly into their lives; will usually prove futile and frustrating. He has a right to do with his money as he pleases. You'd be better-off finding someone like-minded and responsible like yourself. Otherwise, you'll run-out of all your money; while he remains exactly the way he is. All he can say is how sorry he is, and make excuses. You'll end-up breaking-up over money. Not like you didn't see it coming!!!
If you offer him a wise suggestion, challenging him to save-up; in order to establish himself a nest-egg, and a financial-cushion. If he meets the challenge; it will prove to you how fiscally-responsible he is, and how eager he is to begin a life together. You'll see what level of maturity he possesses; and you both can make plans together, not while one has to catch-up with the other!
If you know good and well he is overwhelmed by frivolity and consumerism; expect to be paying most of the bills, undergo financial-stress; and you'll be constantly hounding him about his spending.
Fact is, he's a grown-ass man; and it is up to him, if he likes living paycheck to paycheck! You've seen a red-flag. You best take heed to what you see, and what you know! Knowing you've got that kind of money on-hand will encourage and tempt him to be even more frivolous with money; because people somehow think they're entitled to the cash-reserves you've broke your back and sweat-blood to save. Bear this all in-mind, my dear! If not you, I hope all you other smart ladies reading this can use this wisdom. You didn't pick-up your ways out of thin-air; you've got smart-parents who taught you by example how to be responsible, and how to survive in an unpredictable-economy! I commend you, sweetheart! Shout-out to whomever instilled such great values in someone so young!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): My parents made it clear that as long as I graduate from college, I would live rent free with them. My older brother and sister help with utility and car bills. I graduated with a BA last year and I am saving up. I want to move in at least two years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): My parents have made it clear that as long as I graduated from four years college that I would live rent free. My older brother and sister live at home with us and they are helping with bills. The least I am paying at home is rent. I graduated last year and want to move out in at least two years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): HiSounds a little to me as if you're getting ahead of yourself here. Have you and your boyfriend discussed the future? You said, "I want to move in with my boyfriend and get married one day." What does he want?He may just be enjoying dating you, enjoying having some money coming in and spending it. Maybe he's not on board for saving for pots and pans and a deposit. In fact it sounds as if he isn't. Find out what page he is on regarding the future. You're in a young age bracket. If your boyfriend is around the same age as you, then expect him to be light years behind you concerning settling down.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2020):
 I think instead of thinking OH this can't ever work, maybe sit him down BEOFRE MOVING in together and ask him, HOW much do you know about saving up, about investing? About taxes etc.
And then tell him, that you can HELP him be better (if he wants to) at saving and investing. (though I wouldn't do it FOR him, I would gladly show him.
I have to ask though... how did you live off 4 K for 6 months? You had no rent to pay while living with your parents? No car payments, no utilities, no food costs etc.?
If he lives by himself he has a LOT more bills, which means saving up is a lot harder. And if he doesn't know how to budget? Saving is going to be even harder.
The good news is, learning to budget, save money, invest are all things that HE can learn.
Now if he isn't INTERESTED in budgeting and sticking to said budget and throws money at stuff he doesn't need, at the end of the day, HIS money is his. BUT that also will give you an idea of whether he COULD be a good partner for you long term or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): You need to be on the same page when finances are concerned. This IS extremely important.Even though I find your approach more logical, I'm not saying that there s only ONE way to handle finances in a couple, what I'm saying is that you both need to agree on and be comfortable with whichever way you chose. The best way at the beginning is to keep everything separate and have a joint account (or a wallet) for joint expenses. You need to agree on what those expenses are. This will help you avoid any misunderstandings. And they may mean different things for different people.Before committing seriously to someone, you need to live with that person for a while. You have no idea what your life will be like with him, and vice versa. You will need not only to agree on finances, but on everything else. Even minor details can become a huge source of discord. Open communication and honesty and compromise that both parties feel comfortable with, if possible. My husband is very careful with many. Compared to me he is really "tight" and I'm no spender to begin with. Fortunately, we have the same outlook on the world and this difference was no big deal. I spend more easily than him but I do not waste money. He's more prone to saving at all cost, even if it means that he'll have to invest more time and energy into something and save very little. But that's just how he was formed growing up since his family was poor. My family was never rich, but I was never hungry or cold. He was. I had never had any big desires (barbie dolls, computers, car), I loved to read and that was inexpensive. He was rarely able to afford things he was interested in. So he learned to save.I've had a boyfriend who earned a whole lot more than my husband and thought that (spending) money would impress me. It never has, but being smart with (even less) money does impress me.Attitude to finances is like anything else in a couple - a point on which two people need to agree on.Do not take anything for granted. Just because something is logical for you it doesn't mean that it will be for him.
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