A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello.can anyone give me advice on how to deal with my lying girlfriend? we've been together for over a year now and she's never been the lying type, but i've got some proof that recently, she's been lying to me about something (not too major). she denies it. i simply would like to know how to talk to her about it without getting her upset for calling her out. i would also like to know what are the best ways to get her to admit to me that she's not being honest. i want to talk to her about it in a manner that won't anger or sadden her. HELP PLEASE? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): If you have something you need to discuss with your girlfriend, give it to her straight like you gave it to YouWish and me. No beating around the bush. Just offer your evidence and get to the point. Have a heart to heart discussion.
When you refer to your lady as a "lying girlfriend;" it's hard to convince anyone with 1/3 of a brain that you don't want to upset her, or make her sad.
Please don't insult the intelligence of the people attempting to help here. Least of all me.
The point is to address the issue. Get to the truth. Then make a decision how to resolve the problem. Your posts are reflective of your attitude and state of mind. You are angry and frustrated, or you wouldn't have written to this site.
There are far too many people out there stressed out and frustrated. They're good people; but sometimes their problems get the better of them and they just lose it.
Cheating is a volatile subject and can have very tragic
conclusions. It involves very deep emotions. Betrayal.
I am trying to extinguish your anger in the event that everything you suspect is true. It isn't likely you would, or should, continue a relationship with her; if she is seeing someone on the side.
What's the point?
If you forgave her, you will not trust her. You would only forgive her to not have to go through a breakup, which is painful. Like most people, you'll go through the motions of forgiveness; and torture your mate for all eternity with your insecurity, spying, and demanding full account of ever move she makes.
Your ego will not let you just move on; because you don't want her to be free to find someone else. Or you wouldn't be so upset that she might be cheating. I'm not stupid.
Get to your truth. Express your feelings, but don't use your temper to get your point across. Anyone would be hurt to discover they have been cheated on. Furious.
We men have our strength which comes across as intimidating to women. With some guys, shouting and threatening is almost impulsive. They go into a rage and lose control.
I don't like that. I don't like it at all. It goes against everything I was taught, and that I know. I'm human, and I know what we are capable of, only to regret it when it's too late. If I can help to avert such a thing. I will.
Stop playing games and address the issue straight up.
Don't claim forgiveness unless you can completely wipe the slate clean; and give her a chance to regain your trust. If you can't, let her go and face the pain of loss and grief like man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish i actually had my laptop open the entire time we were on the phone & i didn't see those notifications pop up. then about 5 minutes after she told me she was going to bed, they started to pop up intermittently for the next few hours. i called her several times on skype over the next few hours & i was getting a ring. THEN a little while later, the notifications stopped. i decided to test something out. i called her again & there was no longer any rings. which means she was no longer on the computer... coincidence that the bug stopped occurring AND there was no longer a ring when i called? it's fine now though. in my opinion, she didn't go to sleep but hey, i'm not angry about it
@WiseOwlE " All that stuff about addressing it without upsetting her, or making her sad is just a front. You're trying not to show your true colors. They're coming through pretty clear to me." i really did not want to upset her. i didn't want her to get mad at me. she kind of was at first but later on in the day, things were fine. & i don't think she's cheating. i just felt she should've went to sleep like she told me she was gonna do
@CMMP i don't think it was just a few minutes but rather a few hours
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 December 2013):
You don't sound like a bad guy but that's a rediculous thing to be upset about.
She was probably just using her laptop a minute before bed like so many people do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Honestly, I think if she was up to something; she'd be smart enough to cover her tracks. I think you have trust issues and hot-headed tendencies.
Others don't address it; but your tone starting out in your post identifies your girlfriend in a very hostile way.
I suggest you just tell her what you "think" you know, and present your flimsy evidence.
If she is lying and you know it, you're using intimidation to force a confession under psychological duress. Waiting for her to "break" under what you consider guilt.
After reading the second post; it is possible you are
wrong and overreacting. Even if you are wrong, this isn't going to be the end of it. I think spying and checking up on her is becoming a habit.
The fact you are keeping track so closely indicates this isn't the first time you've been suspicious. This has all the makings of a case of insecurity, and a jealously possessive boyfriend. I find all this accusatory and paranoid.
Your evidence is weak and inconclusive. All that stuff about addressing it without upsetting her, or making her sad is just a front. You're trying not to show your true colors. They're coming through pretty clear to me.
If you're so sure she's cheating, bypass all the confrontation, and just breakup. All you have to do is show your evidence and go.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 December 2013):
 THAT is the lie??? You didn't consider that her computer automatically installed an update and then restarted like many computers automatically do at around 3am or so? That happens. I've seen it happen when a computer updates and it shows a friend logging on over and over again. That actually underscores that she was telling you the truth.
I'm going to be direct with you here:
If your girlfriend is usually a truthful person, don't assume she's lying. Someone who's truthful doesn't deserve jumping to suspicion as if she were a compulsive liar. You have no proof that she's lied to you, and in fact what you just described is a point on her side.
If she was ACTUALLY lying to you, she'd temporarily block you while she was on Skype so you wouldn't see her online during her session after she said she was going to bed. The fact that the "bug" was going off is actually proof of her truthfulness in my opinion.
Do you have trust issues? Are you worried she's talking to other guys? Has this come up at other points in your relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhenever she is on her laptop, i get notified that she goes online/offline skype on the lower right hand corner of my screen over & over. it's like some kind of bug with skype. she's not actually online, it just intermittently says that. if i don't see those notifications, it means she's off her computer. so the lie was, her telling me she was going to bed. we both said goodnight, see you tomorrow. while i was on my laptop shortly after that, that bug started happening so i was pretty sure she wasn't actually sleeping but on her laptop instead. i talked to her about it the next morning but she told me she was sleeping like she said she was gonna do... we've since put this behind us. she was upset at first but i don't know. i honestly think she was awake on her laptop lol
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male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (19 December 2013):
 You just said it's nothing major, then why beat it to death? is it worth harping on her about it until she starts to get irritated, then she will never be honest with you, cause she'll be scared of being irritated to death, if it's no big deal, stop making it into one, just let her know it isnt good for your relationship, and makes you highly suspicious of whatever else she tells you, and it's not good in the long run, then leave it at that, seriously.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): Maybe it's just me, but I prefer being frank and direct rather than diplomatic. A little lie today is a red flag for a big lie tomorrow. If you were wrong in your assumptions, apologize; if you were right and she runs (I guess that's of you are afraid of), let her. If she admits to lying and stays, watch out.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Just talk to her about the deception if you find she is not agreeing that she was honest. Its a reason why she feels the need not to be upfront if you lied to her then its tit for tact. She may not trust you and probably has lied cause you lied its called liar liar like the movie. If you communicate to her like usual or a normal conversation I dont see where she would get angry everybody lies or has told half truths. If you have as mentioned in other post went way beyond as a spy to obtain truth and sneaking behind her back whats the point of trying to talk to her about anything. Jusy take as you know very well the truth. She wasn't honest and you most likely wasnt honest in finding out her unhonesty.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 If she isn't the lying type then I say leave it alone and let her come to you on her own time.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean we have to tell our significant others absolutely EVERYTHING the moment it happens. Some things affect us more deeply and we need time to process them on our own.
Is it something that involves you in some way, or that requires you to make a decision in the next few days? If not, I say leave it alone.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 First, what do you hope to accomplish by getting a confession or "admittance" of lying? To make her look a fool? To make yourself look better? To get the upper hand in the relationship?
There is NO point in making her own up to it. None what so ever. You know she lied, she knows she lied. What more do you need? Either you accept lying, or you don't. Simple as that. If you don't accept it you make it clear to her. Making her admit to it doesn't serve any purpose.
What was the lie, if I may ask? There are really only two possibilities here. Either she didn't lie, but you see it as a lie because of difference in understanding and different perspectives. Or, she did in fact lie to cover up for something, not wanting you to know the truth.
I had an ex who lied a lot. About small and stupid things. He would lie about the cost of things. He would lie about what his friends and family thought of me, he would twist words. Sure, the things he said might have been partly true. But he twisted things and made things look better for himself than they were, and made others look worse than they were. It was hard to pin him down on it, because there were so many small lies here and there. And he'd excuse himself with them being "misunderstandings" and that I had just misunderstood. But it became a clear pattern.
Such lying is dangerous to a relationship. It wasn't simply me and him understanding things differently, it was him who constantly twisted the truth in his favour. He would lie about how much money he earned, he would lie about money a lot. Which caused big problems in MY financial status, as he borrowed money from me. Money he never returned. I lost a lot of money during that relationship, a big chunk of money actually.
So now I am wary of liars, and pay close attention to the small lies as well. I catch my current boyfriend in half truths now and then. But that's because I'm being very picky on it, after the experience with my ex. I've learned though, that even thought some times it sounds as if my current boyfriend is lying, when we did deeper into it he isn't lying. He just worded himself in a diffuse manner, so that it was misunderstood. The difference between him and my ex is that my ex did this constantly, and always in his own favour, on top of being manipulative in other ways. His lying was just another way to control me, in addition to bad mouthing me, name calling, threats etc.
My current boyfriend might be called out in half truths now and then, but he does none of the other manipulative things. And when I call him out on a half truth, he words himself more specific, and the real meaning of what he says comes forth. In his case, it is a legitimate misuderstanding because of his diffuse way of talking. He will for example say "I will call you later" and then ends up not calling at all, because he lost track of time.. Not because he lied about planning to call me. Whereas my ex would tell me his friends thought I was dumb, or that his family didn't like me, or that he owned a car (which he didn't). Right out big, fat lies straight to my face. My ex would call them misunderstandings when I called him out on it, but you can't really misunderstand the things he lied about. You can't tell me you own a car and then it was a misunderstanding when I find out you don't own a car...
I hope you understand the difference I am trying to explain. The difference between a genuine misunderstanding because of different styles of communication, and a lie meant to manipulate. Such manipulation lies wont be possible to catch in one instance, they only take form after a while and become a clear pattern. So think back, is this a pattern with your girlfriend? Or is this a one time thing?
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male
reader, Boost  +, writes (17 December 2013):
Without knowing what she's lying about and what proof you have and how it's difficult to make a suggestion. My personal experience of lying and what I did was as follows: I should have stayed at my exs house over a weekend she said she was clearing her room. That evening me and a friend had been to the pub and he had to drop something to someone he knows he lives near her. We went past and there was a guy she knows car outside. I text a picture to her saying so much for the clear up could've invited me round - she "forgot". I frequently saw her send texts trying to hide the person she was sending it to by turning the phone from me but the screen reflected in windows etc when I asked who it was she said a female name but the name I saw was completely different. There were many other instances I saw and people had told me about. The first time I called her out on it I was annoye and shouting about it made her clam up and say nothing. However when I was calm stated what I had seen and been told I started to get somewhere with it. So in short don't get angry just tell her you know she's lying about what ever it is tell her how you know and you'll get much further than shouting about it
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 December 2013):
Stop worrying so much about her feelings, she's the one who lied. Show her your proof, and ask her why she lied.
I agree, a description of the lie and what proof you have would be beneficial in answering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): My friend; I pick up a very confrontational tone in your post. You seem pretty irate about something; yet you say it is "not too major." Not knowing what it is makes it difficult to suggest how to approach it.
I can say just from the tone in your post; first get past the anger. You must be calm. Don't approach a grown woman as if you are admonishing a child. Most people lie out of self-defense. If you lose your cool over little things, the truth won't come easy to you.
Address her calmly, and tell her that you discovered the truth behind something she hasn't been honest about. Then spill the beans. Tell her exactly what you know. Then listen to the truth without losing your temper.
You want to catch her in a lie to punish her.
You're already making her feel threatened, by calling her a liar.
There doesn't seem to be any sincerity in your comments about not wanting to upset her; when you identify her in the first sentence of your post as "my lying girlfriend."
You come across as a man with a lot of anger. It would seem telling you the truth wouldn't be easy.
It's kind of evil to already know the truth; and not just deal directly with whatever the problem is.
You just want to find a passive-aggressive way to intimidate the truth out of her. So she won't call the police and have your angry ass escorted away.
You want her to stop lying. Stop being so intimidating and accusatory. According to you, "she's never been the lying type."
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2013):
What is the lie, and what is your proof? Also, how did you get it?
The only way to call someone on a lie definitively is to present the proof. Proof isn't "My friend said that they saw you", proof is a receipt, you seeing them somewhere, or multiple reports that she was somewhere.
However, the nature of the lie is also in question here. If it's a past relationship issue before she met you, you may want to weigh the consequences of making it an issue.
But hard proof is key - denial in the face of evidence is a lot harder than simple denial.
I want to warn you though - if you got the proof by breaking into her phone or hacking into her texts and other snooping, you have a serious breech in trust to answer for as well, because that is not cool in a relationship. In our country, evidence gotten illegally can be tossed out of court, and evidence taken by invading privacy or breaking the laws of hacking can be nullified when you commit a relationship offense of your own.
Some lies are counted as lies when someone tells you that she didn't love a past partner, but he breaks into her email and found old emails where they did say they loved each other. That's why telling us the nature of the lie is important here.
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