A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel toxicated and traumatized by the break up I had. He has several mental health issues and we dated long distance due to covid from a year. (No sexual contact ever)- now I know that sounds like it would be easy. But it's not..more than the break up I'm finding it hard to get his effect over my mind off! I'm just realising that he's been quite out of normal in certain ways with me.. like emotionally pulling back, judging my intellect and abilities, being critical of my job and academics. It felt very strange to have a 1 year long courtship with no romantic affection from the other end and hot and cold phases.(our parents had set us up). I liked him for his honesty, our intellectual compatibility in conversing and his sensitive nature. But he's a man of contradictions with several other issues- being egoistic, extremely competitive and easily offended, very judgemental and critical of others' abilities, and had some unusual sexuality, gathering from his sexual history and porn addiction.I'm an avg person, who is also hardworking and constantly striving to grow. I'm also diagnosed with severe depression recently (which is a long term one- I just wasn't aware until my therapist told me). Can you pour in suggestions/encouragement on how to detox or get the effect off me. I used to atleast think positively earlier. It's affected my dignity and I'm a little traumatized to interact with men with the intention of dating again. Also, do suggest some good qualities I can look for in a man. I feel so out of touch now by this encounter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): Instinctively, you know the qualities of a good-man. You know what is compatible with your values, and what criteria should be met in order to bring you pleasure and comfort. The reason we date, is to test, review, and eliminate possible candidates and prospects. It's also exposure to personality-types in order to gain reasonable perceptions of human beings. Eliminating foolish fantasies and childish-notions of love and romance. It's difficult to rid ourselves of the past influences or scars left by those who traumatized or betrayed us. That's where you use judgement, maturity, discretion, and discernment. You want to be appreciated for who you are, not compared to somebody else.
You purge/detox by regaining your self-awareness; and by refusing to surrender power and control of over feelings and emotions to others. By not being reliant on the validation and approval of men; but instead, seeking signs of strong character, kindness, and patience. Search for whatever traits they possess that will create, nurture, and justify your love and trust.
You'll never find perfect, and you're not perfect. While you set your high standards for your dream-man; be sure you are working on your own faults or weaknesses that might inhibit a healthy and exuberant relationship.
Don't date until you've gotten over the trauma and misgivings leftover from the last guy. Then start from a new slate. That might mean just casually seeking companionship and enjoying male-company for the sake of fun and pleasure. Sex should not be casual. It should be meaningful.
Let any attempt at commitment rest on-hold; and explain to your suitors that you're open and optimistic, but just want to see how things turn-out by allowing events to playout. Reserve your feelings, study the steadfastness of the connections you've made with men; and know your own strength. Then pursue romance with a level-head, an open-mind, and a solid base in reality.
It is likely your traditional Indian parents will rush you, force men on you to get you married; they don't have to live and sleep with their choices. You do have some limited input, or you wouldn't have broken-up with the guy they chose for you. Let them know what you hope to find in a man; so they will do more than simply pass you off to whomever is willing to marry you, just so they can fulfill tradition. Your happiness and wellbeing should be what they want for you, not just be able to let everybody know they were able to get you married. No matter what the cost or the outcome.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): Ahhh this is the romantic-comedy/knight in shining armour effect. You set your hopes too high at the beginning of the relationship OP. Propped him up on a pedestal thinking he was sent by the gods themselves to make you that happiest you ever been. Hoping that you will both hold hands into the sunset towards your happily ever after. You didn’t want to be alone so ignored all the red flags. Clinging onto a dream. You stayed in a stale relationship with no affection. Hoping that one day he will give you the affection you need and your dream will come true. But the dream was ripped from under your feet in the form of a breakup. The man sent by the gods was deceiving and is in fact the evil bad guy in this fairytale. Keeping you in a relationship with no sunset or happily ever after. Okay a slight dramatisation but you get the point! Now you are left thinking ‘what if?’What if I had done this or that differently - would the dream come true? You are left feeling silly and used that you invested in a relationship in which there was nothing there. It’s not him or his ‘effect’ that you are struggling with OP. It’s the loss of the dream. The loss of your hopes that you fully put into this relationship. The ‘what ifs’ of the end of this dream. The god like man you had created in your mind. I can’t tell you what to look for in a man as everyone has different tastes and values. I can only tell you to be more realistic when dating or at the start of a new relationship. Don’t put all your emotions into it at the beginning, don’t set your hopes too high. Don’t put a man on a pedestal. If you go into it being realistic and keep your eyes and ears open you are less likely to put on those rose coloured glasses and ignore all the red flags. Sure you can see them now that your dream has been shattered into a million pieces. But at the time those things about him you didn’t like were invisible. Cloaked in his disguise you gave him as the prince. Hiding your incompatibilities. Time is your best friend here. You are starting to believe the dream wasn’t real and will realise it even more with time. You will start to see things as they really are instead of what you wanted them to be.Take it as a lesson learnt not to over invest to begin with. Learn to see the reality of things instead of how you want it to be. That’s how you don’t make the same mistakes again. It will help you see incompatibilities, not stay in a dead end relationship. Your struggling at the moment with your emotions. Feelings of shame, feeling stupid and used. These emotions and feelings are normal after a breakup. Why? Because we start seeing things realistically. Just give yourself time op and learn your lessons in life. We’ve all put someone on a pedestal at some point in our lives only to be disappointed. Only you can be in charge of your happiness and your emotions. Take it for what it is. It will pass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2020): You can develop a fondness or deep-attachment to people for various reasons. It doesn't necessarily indicate you're in-love with that person. Friendship is an emotional-connection when we form a bond with people we like in a platonic-sense. You may possess the same or a complimentary personality-type, share much in-common, agree on many things; and that person gets you. We aren't necessarily physically-attracted, and we don't exchange flirtations as we would with someone we're sexually-attracted to. Romantic-attraction is different, because there is a consuming desire for a person both emotionally and physically. The connection is made from a different form of emotional-attachment. Sometimes we click with people in such a way that we grow very close or dependent on them. They somehow manage to take hold of our hearts and we find it very hard to separate from them.
You may be a type of person who attaches based on habitual-communication. You've found someone dependable, and eager to listen to you. He is responsive, shows concern, he seems moved by your moods or emotions; so you find solace and comfort in maintaining a connection with him. Like a drug, the dopamine-high you get from the connection with him will cause you symptoms of withdrawal when your supply is cutoff.
Bonding and connecting with people produces dopamine, and the feel-good hormones serotonin, oxytocin; including our happy hormones called endorphins. Breaking-up with someone you're fond of (friend or lover) is like cutting off your source of happiness and comfort. The process of detachment ranges from mild discomfort to agony. Lets throw-in a little drama for good-measure. Time is what it takes to allow the subconscious-mind and the conscience-world of reality to synchronize and reconcile. Although the reality is you are separating, your subconscious-mind still wants it's feel-good hormone supply; and it will resist anything that conflicts with normal routines. Thus, detoxification will come in its own sweet time! I like the word you chose "detox;" because that is precisely what it is. It's purging something addictive, or a person who has an emotional-hold on us.
Reconnect with family, strengthen your family-bonds to compensate for your loss. Call old friends you've neglected to attend to and communicate with; and reacquaint with yourself. It is not loneliness to be alone, it is free-time or me-time to introspect; and work on those faults or shortcomings that need work and repair. I listen to my friends, colleagues, or family-members who point-out my faults (in a loving-way); and use that as inspiration and a template for self-improvement. I can't come here helping people when I don't work on my own faults. Nobody's perfect, and nobody has the right to judge others; but you can, and should, use your discernment to know whom you're dealing with.
I know how you feel. I've grown very attached to people who have died, moved-on, or just decided the friendship has reached an expiration-date. You're human, so you will feel grief for the loss. You have a loyal-spirit capable of drawing close to people; but you have to be careful not to make soul-ties that trap you, or hold you as emotional-hostage. Let him go. Allow yourself to go through the phases of separation, until the discomfort subsides...and it will subside.
You will find many others throughout your journey through life; who fulfill your emotional needs for connection and friendship. Bear in-mind, some are only passing through; and may be around but for only a season. You should cherish their memory, try to put to use the good things they've taught you; and pass-forward any generosity and kindness they've shown you. You have the makings of a loyal-friend; just be sure to put a handle on it. You must learn to manage your emotions; and not allow raw emotion to overrule your common sense or overcome/compromise your self-control. We need self-control because the heart is foolish and reckless. It wants what it wants, even if it hurts us. You use self-control to stay level-headed, to institute judgement, and for proper maintenance of the relationships we truly cherish. Unfortunately, some will end; but we have to survive the losses all the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2020): Sorry but no meets, no sex, one year only, do not like him, that is not a relationship. That is you being under a stranger's influence or wanting to hold onto anyone rather than be single. Depressed people tend to do that sometimes. You really need to get your depression fixed before you can enter into a new relationship and make it work. And he sounds as if he has aspergers symdrome and narcisissm borderline personality disorder, where he only wants a woman he can talk down to and be superior to. His interest is in that not you as an individual. You talk about both being intellectual but neither of you analysed what was going on and why, so more common sense was needed.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 December 2020):
 Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Thank your lucky stars you did not actually have physical contact with him. If you live with depression, contact with someone who is critical. judgmental and self obsessed will drag you down even further. You can do better.
You ask what qualities you should look for in men you intend dating. My dear, that is entirely up to you. What makes YOU happy? Not only do you have to love this person eventually, but you also need to LIKE them. Instead of separating out individual qualities, take a more holistic approach and look at the person as a whole. If warning bells ring, cut your losses and get out as fast as possible. Don't make excuses for bad behaviour. Don't hang in there just because your suitor has one or two good qualities you admire. You will find those qualities in others. Remember, your aim is to find someone you feel you can't live WITHOUT, not someone you think you can live WITH. Look for someone who makes your life better, who makes your life easier, who makes your life happier, who ADDS to your life, not someone who drags you down or makes you sad.
Lastly, don't dwell too much on the "depression" label. You are exactly the same person you were before your therapist labelled you. The cynical me would question whether the label was applied with a view to securing the therapist's job. Live your life and try to be happy.
I wish you all the best.
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