A
male
age
41-50,
*igguy
writes:Hey Dearcupid readers,My girlfriend has gained quite a bit of weight over the past year. She has not been successful in dealing with it, nor have my attempts to help. I am not going to ask how to address that as there are many excellent posts on that subject already (though if you have success stories, I’m interested in hearing them). My physical attraction to her has plummeted. Going through this experience has made me realize a pattern in myself: my interest in the relationship is closely tied to physical attraction. It’s not coconscious choice. It insidiously develops over time. It’s happened before: in high school and in college. I was with a girl for a few years that developed an endocrine disordered that lowered her sex drive and changed her skin. We continued to date though it took effort to continue the relationship (more like chore). We lasted 6 more months, and then broke up when we went to different colleges. In college, I dated a girl for four years. After the second year, she put on a lot of weight, too. We continued for two more years. We developed independent style relationship after the weight gain and spent very few hours per week together. Similarly, we broke up to go to different grad programs. Honestly, neither breakup bothered me and I’m pretty sure it was because the physical attraction was gone. In my current relationship, I am apathetic. I am not really interested in seeing my current girlfriend (though I don’t dread or avoid it). I don’t really look forward to talking on the phone or on IM. I can go long periods of time without missing her. To combat the apathy, I make a conscious effort to call, write, take her out on dates-but it’s like pulling teeth. We have enough sex to keep her from asking too questions. I play the good boyfriend well (or at least well enough not to get complaints). I still love her, though I feel it’s more platonic now, and enjoy the time we spend together. I have no interest in ending the relationship, nor would I care if it ended. So, on the questions:Has anyone else experienced apathy like this? How do you manage yourself? Is there a way to deal with the day to day?If you’ve developed apathy, what was the inciting cause?How long does it last?If it’s been for the same reason, does the relationship rebound after the resolution of the weight gain? Your stories and advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you for making it to the end!
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male
reader, bigguy +, writes (28 September 2008):
bigguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous: You’re probably right and perhaps she knows I’m less interested. I have not spoken directly with her about my feelings. I’ve tried to help out: talked about food choices, the importance of exercise in conjunction, etc. I try to be supportive rather then critical. She has enough criticism: her mom has told her she’s getting big; her doctor has said; and my girlfriend has agrees and say it herself. I have chosen not to talk to her about my feelings on it because 1) she knows it’s a problem, 2) she doesn’t lack motivation (I think it is discipline, an area I’m useless to help), and 3) it would shatter her self-confidence and self-image. I have no problem saying the tough stuff and transiently hurting her feelings, but I don’t want to hurt her by saying “I’m not attracted to you anymore and I don’t care about our relationship because I don’t feel a connection” if it won’t help her (my dad always said “a compliant is just a bitch until you have a solution”).
You’re right; I would feel like an “a-hole if you leave her because of her weight.” I don’t think I’ve hurt her (if anything, she seems happier with me because I’ve been supportive). I’ve been furiously trying to avoid that and waiting for her to turn herself around.
To kindydue: The fear of intimacy is an interesting idea. My investment seems temporally linked with physical attraction. Are you proposing that I become distant and I found a change in the relationship to justify feelings of distance? How come it’s always linked with physical attraction? Good timing on my part? Luck?
I’m not a psychologist, but doesn’t a fear of intimacy make you do things to sabotage a relationship? So far, I think I’ve been doing pretty well despite personal feelings.
No one else has been in a similar position? Hmmm
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): I'm afraid I don;t know what to advise regarding your feeling of apathy around your relationship. I can't really relate to that - the physical attraction side of things is important to me but there is so much more to what I feel for my man that even when he is carrying a bit more weight I still feel extremely attached to him. I am not discounting your feelings though - they are very valid and shared by many I am sure.
I suppose I just wanted to say that you sound like a decent guy who has gained insight into himself - but is staying with this woman really the right thing to do? You may think you're an a-hole if you leave her because of her weight...but in my opinion you cause her more pain if you hang in there and feel nothing. She deserves someone who is in love with her and passionate about her...just as you do. Maybe you need to think about that.
Does your girlfriend know how greatly her weight gain is affecting you? She probably is more aware of your ambivalence to her than you realise...and who knows, maybe that is contributing to her mood and exacerbating the weight problems?? It can be a viscious cycle.
Maybe your first step is to be as transparent with her as you have been with us - might seem scary but it is the only way to move forward I think.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, kinkydude  +, writes (18 September 2008):
I can relate to your story and feelings. I was dating a women some time back.
At one point I realized her bum was a little larger than I would have liked, and eventually I lost complete interest.
HOWEVER:
I'm currently with a woman who has other physical faults, and yet it doesn't phase me at all. I love her for who and what she is and could care less if she gained weight or if her hair turned all grey. I'm also quite sexually attracted to her, despite her physical faults.
MY POINT:
Maybe you have a fear of intimacy. When ever you reach a certain level of closeness with someone, you back off or find some pretext -albeit subconciously- to not invest yourself emotionally.
then next time you make love to her, do so slowly, savoring the act of being inside of her ...make love sweetly and with the intention of being powerfully intimate. See if this doesn't change the way you feel.
I believe you need to do some profound soul searching, and perhaps examine your past, inorder to find some clues to your behavior.
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