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female
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*heskycastle
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He has a six year old daughter who lives with her mom. My boyfriend and I will take her out for some weekends and we are doing very well together. However, my boyfriend's ex-wife seems to ignore my existence. For example, she won't say hi or smile back when I do. Because of that, I usually stay in the car while my boyfriend brings the kid back to her mom. Now she started school, I noticed my boyfriend had to meet his ex to talk about their daughter. I don't mind they are meeting up to talk about their daughter's stuff, but I don't like the idea she is not acting friendly to me. I'm scared she will say horrible things about me infront of the kid. As a matter of fact, I know she did when I first start dating my boyfriend. She told the kid I will steal her daddy from her and her daddy will no longer spend time with her. I'm thinking about long term with my boyfriend. How should I deal with his ex from now on?
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female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (5 September 2006):
 hey theskycastle,
it sounds to me like the break up between your bf and his ex-wife was no amicable. If it was, I doubt her behaviour would be like this.
She sounds unhappy with the way things turned out - angry and perhaps jealous. If things didn't end well, it's understandable - put yourself in her shoes.
As for dealing with it, I would suggest you need to play it ultra-cool. Don't hang back in the car, go with the bf when he drops off his daughter. Say hello, be polite. ALWAYS. Don't be overly affectionate to the bf in her company - that's rubbing her nose in it.
When you're with the daughter don't bad mouth her mother in any way. Allow your bf and his daughter time to hang out together because the daughter won't feel threatened that you're 'taking away her daddy' if they have time to spend alone together.
If you and this guy end up being long term this will allow his relationship with his daughter to grow on a 1:1 basis and she'll respect you for giving them that time. It's important you don't bad mouth her mother - even if when she starts getting older she might complain about her mother herself.
You can also spend time with the daughter yourself and build that relationship - if she trusts you, she'll know you're not a threat to her relationship with either of her parents.
Good luck with this, it's going to be hard to be polite when you get rebuffs each time, but persist. I think it'll be worth it in the long term.
Anon2907
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