A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a loving husband and we have been married for a year now everything have been going very well until we started taling about staying with his daughter the stepchild(6) next year.I love the child to death but i dont want to deal with the drama from her mother of which right now is starting to cause problems by making all these chitty chatting calls with my husband.So if i stay with the child next year i will be putting myself and my marriage in danger because im not willing to do anything with the mothe of the child.Please help me i need someone who has been through this and know what to do.I need to make a decesion Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PaigeAlexxandra  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Dear Drama-Free,
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid constant chaos with your husband's ex, and I also don't believe that it's necessary. Since you're the 'newest addition' to the equation, I'm not surprised that you're the one who's got to put the most effort into making this as non-dramatic as possible. You yourself hold alot of power in this situation; but you first have to stop assuming that your marriage is in danger. You're reaffirming your worst fears, and when we do that, they tend to come true. Your first task is to eliminate any negative concerns you may have about your marriage, and put some TRUST AND FAITH into the love you and your husband share! You need to believe in your marriage; know that it can withstand anything, and sit down with your husband and tell him about your feelings, assure him that your marriage is you priority, and that you believe the two of you as a team can not only keep your marriage alive, but let the situation bring the two of you closer for the experience.
Boundaries. That's step two and actually, the most important step to stick to. You and your husband need to set boundaries for everyone; it's your perrogative since you are the couple who will be taking in a 6 year old. Hubby needs to throw down the hammer and tell ex-wife that she's not to call except in emergencies (or whatever way you choose to set it up). It does take 2 to make a chitty chatty conversation...so your husband's got to man up and set the ex straight. If she's a true nuisance, get an unlisted number and YOU TWO keep in touch with her on your own schedule.
Lastly, when you find yourself in a position where the ex might put YOU on the spot or in an 'uncomfortable place', then whatever you do, TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND STAY AWAY FROM EX-MUM! Say NOTHING but if you must speak, always be polite, civil, and quiet. Make her see you're no threat. Regardless of the fact that you'd like to smack her, ALWAYS BE THE BIGGER PERSON- be an actor and be the 'cool one'.
It's up to you and your husband to set the rules. If husband isn't complying, then you already have marital danger. If husband's right on your side, then the two of you can do anything together- AND enjoy yourselves with the little six year old! Hubby needs to chit less and chat with you only.
You'll be right!
Decide what's in your heart; you already know what your decision in.........go with your heart. Empower yourself, girl!
Alexx
xxx
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