A
female
age
41-50,
*mec
writes:Advice pleease!! How do I deal with someone that is emotionally unavailable?? I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2yrs and I have taken on the role of the "pursuer" he has completely distanced himself, he's disengaged, disinterested, doesn't make much effort and refuses to talk or address any problems in the relationship. he tells me everyday he loves me, but that's it! He doesn't do much to show it.. Do we live together? For a half the yr we do, the other half is long distance. I'm really tired of trying to get him to open up. It only pushes him further away. I'm ready to quit, but I feel like I've invested so much. But I'm not getting much in return.. I love him, I'm not a quitter, but he's forcing me to let go. But here's the thing when I distance myself, he becomes the "pursuer" So I do it even when I don't want to. I don't want to play games with the one I love.. But why is that the only way to get ones attention sometimes??
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (1 April 2011):
Well,you probably have a case of social network addiction here. When I was a kid (I'm 26), I used to get very addicted to chat rooms, and chatting with strangers [not to mention watching porn]. It gets very addictive, really [both activities]. During this addiction phase, I basically neglected any affection to those around me, which is a bad thing. We men get so into what we are doing, that we forget everything else.Having constant fights it is a big turn off for a man. Next time you need to talk with him about relationship problems, try approaching as gently as possible. Try avoiding, at any cost any fight. Keep your emotions, anger, or rage well hidden during a talk with him. Then release that anger into something [like jogging on a park, or any physical activity]. Shout if you want to. Just make sure you're not near your man. Try this for a couple of weeks. That way, he will have no arguments to say that he doesn't have sex because you argue a lot.You want to rekindle your sex life, and can't get him away from his computer/social networks? Try this. Broom the room where he is with his computer, and when it gets time for you to broom below his desk, find a reason to get yourself below his desk. Then, start caressing him gently, and get more intimate with him. Tease him, give him a blow-job, but don't make him climax. Tease a little more, continue blowing. I bet he will leave any conversations he has just to be emotionally and physically with you. Don't let him rush the moment. Keep teasing him until the end.
A
female
reader, Jmec +, writes (1 April 2011):
Jmec is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStrongfp I think life after 40 is right. He says he loves me everyday, but does not show his love for me anymore. He doesn't make any plans to spend time together when we are apart for months sometimes, and when I am there with him, he sits on the Internet saying he's working, when really he is on his social networks. He shows zero interest in sex and says it's because we fight too much. But we fight because of lack of effort on his part. On weekends when I suggest doing fun activities he says he's tired or not feeling well. Or he'll go along with the plan and cancel last minute. I always feel like I'm forcing him to engage with me. There is nothing he is interested in doing with me. It seems he just goes through the motions with me. We're completely disconnected. He complains I need too much from him, yet he gives nothing. I love him so I hang on hoping he'll come around but in reality I think I am wasting my time. It's been 2yrs, I've been really patient, tolerant and understanding. None of that has helped.
...............................
A
female
reader, lifeafter40  +, writes (1 April 2011):
I think you need to face the truth. He may not be in love with you. You should take a break completely for a couple of weeks at least. This will either make him see how much he loves you or realize he is ready to move on. Either way you deserve to know the truth. Don't wake up 10 years from now and realize you have wasted your life on someone who didn't love you like you should be loved
...............................
A
male
reader, honestman +, writes (1 April 2011):
I myself got claustrophobic when I lived with my girlfriend for a year. Too much intimacy sometimes creeps us out. You need to get a little distance from him. Don't ask him many questions, and don't pressure him to talk. Just tell him something like "I'm going to start telling you how was my day. I would love that you share your day afterwards". If after you talked how your day was he answers with a few words, THAT IS NORMAL, and is a very big accomplishment. Really, don't expect that much of a conversation from us guys. With the time, passively but gently encourage him to speak out his emotions. BE PATIENT. No one can change a bad habit in a single day.My girlfriend somehow showed me how to speak more, and express more my feelings. Although I don't talk as much as she does, I do talk more than I did when I met her.Give your man a second chance please!
...............................
A
female
reader, Jmec +, writes (1 April 2011):
Jmec is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you strongfp, Its nice to get a male perspective. Too much intimacy/romance does make him extremely uncomfortable, I've tried just being a friend he can talk to and that seems to work.. But then I find myself yearning for a deeper connection.. And begin to resent the fact that I have to cater to his need for space in order to make things run smoothly.. And that comes naturally for me because im a giver, but What about my needs? He doesn't particularly care to address them.
...............................
|
