A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn't about love, but it is about two relationships. My sister is the most negative person I know. She's always been that way. To her, if anything can go wrong it does go wrong. She is constantly posting on Facebook about how her life is going so wrong (but it's not even that bad, she just just handle things well) She acts like a victim.Now my friend from a different city (I have since moved but she keeps in touch). This lady is 50 years old. Now this poor woman IS certainly going through a difficult time. Her husband of 11 years has been treating her poorly and they are going through a divorce. I feel terrible, but I cannot relate! At 23 years old, we really have little in common. She is constantly texting me about negative stuff and when she calls me she talks for an hour or more.My personality is not like my sister and friend. I am generally positive. When I am going through a rough patch, I try to keep my head up but will typically keep it to myself or seek the advice of a therapist.I just don't know how to deal with these two people in my life. I want to be there for people but I find myself very uncomfortable with them. It's gotten to the point I avoid them as much as I can. Is this wrong of me? Should I be there for these super negative people or should I try to keep avoiding them abd their laundry list of issues?! It's bringing me down!
View related questions:
divorce, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2014): Offer your sister the number for your therapist. Maybe she needs to be evaluated for depression. Something gives her a persistently negative outlook on her life. There may be something underneath it all, that you're not aware of.
I give advice to people. I'm very loyal to my family, friends, and my colleagues. People often confide things in me that would make your eyebrows touch your hairline! I'm a good listener, I don't always offer them my advice or opinion. I just give them an ear to vent and shoulder to cry on. That's what friends and family do.
I often ask before they even speak...is this good news or bad news? I ask for the good news first. If it's bad news, I ask them to delay it for the moment; and let me know only how they are feeling today, and lets just work on that first. Why can wait! A lot of times, people just use you do dump all their woes and sorrows; then go about their day. You can't be their dumping ground.
You can offer them comfort. If you see nothing you can say or do is helping, tell them you're in a really good mood today and really can't use a downer at this time. Your heart and prayers goes out to them; but you just want to end your day with a smile. They will try to make you feel guilty; but tell them. Life is as good as you want to make it. You'll be happy to listen another time, just not right now.
You can't allow people to use you just as someone they can unload their baggage. Sometimes it's only because you seem upbeat and they feel resentful that you are. They have to bring their misery into your life, just to remind you how awful life can be. Well, that's the way they choose to see it, not because that is the way it actually is. Everyone has problems, but pessimistic cynical people see nothing but the ugly.
They make themselves depressed; because they always feel like life hates them, and nobody knows the troubles they've seen. Give yourself a break. Tell them you really wish they had a better life and would tell you something good sometimes.
Take down your sign, "the doctor is out, and you've gone fishing!" You can't always be a people-pleasure. They will use you up and drain you. They can't stand seeing you walking around with a smile on your face, they feel better when they've wiped it off. When their cloud of doom is floating over your head. Well, fight their cloud with your sunshine. Send them on their miserable way. Comeback when you can have a uplifting and friendly conversation. Period!
Time to show maturity and strength. Show support for your sister and your friend only when they have an emergency.
Call them first, and share some good news and ask them to let you know when things get better. You want to hear that they are doing well and they're happy.
It's not your responsibility to bear the burden of all their weight and baggage. They will have you nervous and as neurotic as they are, if you allow it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2014):
 I have had people around me like that, I wouldn't really call them friends but people I spend a lot of time with for various reasons, coworker, neighbor and a family friend.
I HAVE to take a break from them every now and then. Because otherwise YOU start to "realize" that you pick up on the negative stuff and start feeling bad about things you can not change instead of looking at the stuff YOU can change and that DOES make you feel good, happy, positive.
What I have usually done is cutting conversations short (phone ones) and not being super available for a little while, because it seemed easier and less "hurtful" than telling them the truth. The truth being, YOU are just too negative and you drag me down..
What I found though was to find little things to do for them, like sending a pretty post card, bake some good cookies and drop them off on a SHORT visit (so they can't go into their "woe is me" routine.) Then no matter how NEGATIVE they are, I still felt better about it, because I felt doing something nice for them, temporarily made them stop the negative tirades.
I don't really have time for Debbie Downers. Even though we ALL go through crap that makes up upset or mad, I just personally, can't stay sad and negative. Or around really negative people.
Now with your sister, I would talk to her. Tell her how depressing it is to see all that doom and gloom on her Facebook. Because my sister (I don't have one, I have a brother regardless) I would be blunt and honest with.
The 50 year old friend going through a really rough patch, I'd do a few random sweet things to cheer her up. It's harder to tell someone like that, they are a real Debbie Downer.
...............................
|
