A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Il start from the beginning! So me and my boyfriend have been together for about 11 months. He has always been a very sociable person, and I would say he's an extrovert, whereas i'm more of an introvert. When we first started dating, he said he wanted an open relationship, as he felt he was young (he's 30) and wanted to have the freedom to get to know other people too. He was open and honest about this from the beginning. He had a trip planned to go and visit an ex girlfriend (not an official girlfriend someone who he had dated for a few months before she moved away) and I told him i felt very uncomfortable about this. It got to the point where I decided i couldnt see him any more. I didnt want to share the guy I was dating. After some time apart, he contacted me and said he had cancelled the trip, and that he would give me an exclusive relationship as he had never felt a connection with anyone else as he did with me and he didnt want to lose me. Since he has made this decision, he has been very committed to me, and wants to spend most of his time with me. I know how much he loves me and feels for me. About 5 months into the relationship, he asked me to move in with him, which i declined because i felt it was too soon. We went on our first holiday together about a month ago (he suprised me and took me away for my birthday for 10 days) and since we have got back, we have been trialling living together. However, throughout the relationship, it has bothered me that he still talks to females. I know he has a flirty personality and is a friendly person, but it just bugs me and i dont know if i dont trust him or whether im a possessive person. He sometimes meets girl mates one on one for catch ups and he is open about the fact he speaks to girls when he is out with friends. He is also open about the fact that he and this girl he was planning to go and visit still email from time to time, and that he texts female friends sometimes too. He says to me he is not willing to give up the freedom to have friends of both sexes, which deep down i know he shouldnt have to. He says he is fine with me coming to social times with him, and says he would never leave me on the sofa at home to go and meet a girl friend without inviting me. He says i am welcome to meet any of the people he is friends with. He did say though that if I was away or working he may meet a girl friend without me, he doesnt feel he should have to wait until i am around. I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with my jealousy and insecurities over this, because apart from this we have an amazing relationship. We have agreed certain things such as he would never take a girls number, despite the fact that it would just be on a friends basis, as that would make me uncomfortable. He has also agreed to always tell me when he has met up with a female friend, if i have not been around. Thanks in advance for your advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your feedback! As he sees it, why does it matter if he sees them one on one while I am away, if i trust him fully? He also said he doesnt want to feel like he cant do a certain thing because im not there, he thinks he should have the freedom to meet any of his friends regardless of gender. To be honest, i do feel like hes really proved his commitment to me regarding the open relationship situation. Since we have become exclusive, i have genuinely never felt like he feels unfulfilled or that he regrets his decision. And he wants to be with me for the majority of his time.I will also add that he does not meet these female friends often. In fact, he only speaks to them every few weeks to catch up and has only met them once or twice while we have been together. He says he wouldnt be interested in them romantically because he is happy being with me. He has expressed a lot of interest in us creating friendships with couples, he has talked about this a lot, and he is always inviting me out with him and his friends. He said if we meet a few amazing people it will enhance our lives further. When i asked him why he feels the NEED to be friends with these girls, he looked at me like i was crazy. He said, what do you mean the need? The need for friendship? Is that abnormal to want friendships?He says he seperates romantic relationships with socialising. We have had an argument before about him talking to girls when hes out, i called it chatting them up, he called it socialising. Maybe its just a matter of personal opinion! Thats what im starting to think as some people ive spoken to about this think im over reacting and other people think he is disrespectful...
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (2 July 2014):
 What concerns me is the fact that early on in the relationship he tells you he doesn't want exclusivity, only to do a U turn and ask you to move in with him just five months into this relationship. That's one extreme to the other very quickly. One minute the doesn't want you to be the only girl he is seeing, the next he is asking you for commitment.
For me this is all moving a bit too much way too soon. After the insecurity he caused with his slightly degrading initial proposition, I don't think making any kid of commitment is a good idea until he has proved for a reasonable period of time that he is committed to you. Its a big step for him to give up his other girls and suddenly commit to a life of a steady, exclusive relationship...you need to make sure its not a passing fad.
If he IS serious about making this work he needs to stop flirting and talking to girls when he is out. He knows his previous actions have rightly made you wary, and needs to automatically avoid behaviours which could compromise the trust in this relationship. For me personally, having to set rules, agree as to who a person can see or talk to, etc is not a healthy way to be in any relationship.
You are not being needy nor unneccissarily wary. What YOU need to do now is start meeting these friends and see for yourself what they are like. This also ensures he is not just saying "sure honey, come along and meet my nice friends" thinking you wont do so. If they are sensible, mature, genuine people then that will hopefully put your mind at rest. If they have skirts up to their armpits and drape their arms around him the moment he arrives you have an answer!
"He did say though that if I was away or working he may meet a girl friend without me, he doesnt feel he should have to wait until i am around."
Im with WiseOwl on this one - to me, that's not acceptable due to his former requests for sharing his life with others.
I find it a bit odd that he says he is young and needs to play the field at 30. Most of us have settled down and left that behind long before then. Each to their own of course and he can do whatever he wishes relationship wise, but at 30 it does sound more like something someone of 20 would say. If you are 18-21 and he is 30 there is a big age gap. Im all for age gap relationships, but when one is thirty and the other a teen or barely out of teens then the gap is a big one. No disrespect OP but personally I would question the maturity of any man in his thirties who had a relationship with someone so comparatively young. Most people in their 30s appreciate how young 21 actually is, yet here its you having to bring him under control and him who initially wanted to act like a lad.
Treat carefully and take it all step at a time.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): When you commit to a relationship, part of it is taking risks. Remember, he suggested he wanted an open relationship. You had a chance to back-out.
You'll never get any guarantees. You only stick with this relationship; if you are strong enough to deal with it.
If a guy plans to cheat on you, he doesn't have to have female friends. It's the women you don't know or see that you have to worry about.
Your boyfriend has compromised with you on many counts.
I don't think the part where he'll be hanging out with women when you're away is a good idea. You should feel comfortable while you're away; knowing he's behaving himself. He shouldn't give temptation a front-row seat.
No hanging out with the ladies one on one when you're away! The commitment is still in-effect when you're home, and when you're not! No clever little loopholes! It's with the other guys, or stay home! You're not single; because your girlfriend is out of town.
Many young people come to DearCupid with similar questions about dealing with new committed relationships, where exes and friends of the opposite sex are very active in the lives of their new partners.
Once you commit, human-traffic flowing through your relationship should be regulated, familiar, and respectful.
I'm gay. I have many long-time friends and acquaintances in my life. Many are very attractive men. Straight and gay.
I don't intend to purge them from my life to pacify the insecurities of someone I've just become committed to. If I commit to a relationship; I have an obligation to introduce my friends. That is so the people I'm dating may become acquainted. I also reassure my boo that there is no reason to feel threatened. When I'm seeing someone, they are invited to hangout together with my group. I like my dates to feel welcomed into the fold. I only date people with outgoing personalities; so I have yet to hit a snag.
I do have friends who are very reserved. They don't like crowds. So we hangout one on one, or double-date. I don't push the envelope. I don't always get friends and dates on my own terms. So I take risks. It has paid off!
There should be no inappropriate touching, excessive or intrusive messaging; or anything that would contradict the fact my friends are anything more than friends.
They are like family to me. They are the welcoming committee to my date, or new boyfriend. That's all you can fairly expect from anyone. I love these people. They've been there for me. The guy I'm now seeing got the thumbs up.
The previous guy didn't get that when they met him. He dumped me. They saw something I didn't I guess.
I've never really dated anyone who didn't have an ex, or
a number of friends. Many of their exes may be attractive, smart, or make a lot of money. I think it's a bonus to date someone good-looking, who has lovely friends. It boosts my ego to suit his good-taste.
You are introverted, so you have to understand how someone like your boyfriend needs the company of a lot of friends.
Each of them offers something to enrich his life. There is a point where you do draw the line. Don't let his age intimidate you, or let him pull the switcheroo. All of a sudden, he's spending more time with "lady-friends;" than he's spending with you.
You don't have to put up with a stream of pretty women calling and hanging out with your boyfriend. Girlfriends have rights, and they set boundaries in order for boyfriends to keep them around. Boyfriends are replaceable.
Know your value. He must know what the term "committed-relationship" means. It means you forsake all others, to devote yourself to only one person. Monogamy.
You set that boundary, and he came back offering to be monogamous. Hold him to it. Leave the minute he violates his agreement. Give him your love; but just a little at a time. Hold back a little. Let him earn it.
I would recommend that you be outgoing enough to allow him to introduce you to his friends, to alleviate your insecurities and discomfort. You also get to evaluate the type of women he considers "friends."
If there is an unusually high ratio of "female-friends" who seem too friendly, don't be fooled. You're not stupid, and don't let any man think they can slide it over on you. When the connection is more than what shows on the surface; sassy females don't like being played. They show their real colors. They will tattle on him out of sheer bitchiness. So he can't pull the wool over your eyes completely.
If you go about it with an open-mind; you just might meet a lot of people you really like. They may like you too!
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A
female
reader, Catnessbeans  +, writes (2 July 2014):
 He doesn't sound suspicious to me.I would be concerned ,however, if he's spending a lot of time hanging out with "new" girls each time. AKA meeting new girls and trying to be friends with them. What I believe is that he really wants to respect not only you but also his pre-existing friendships. Him being comfortable enough to invite you every time and being completely honest about what is what seems very trustworthy and just great to me. My advice= hang out with him and his friends :PMy boyfriend is an extrovert with a lot of female friends and I am an introvert. Like your boyfriend, he always invites me to come hang out with him and any/all of his friends. Now he didn't introduce me to them with a giant banner and fanfare but he would put his arm around me and introduce me , or say hey this is so-and-so , so-and-so, this is my girlfriend. If your boyfriend DOES NOT introduce you as if you're his girlfriend THEN you should be worried.Eventually it was really life-changing for me to be introduced to so many people. I developed more confidence in myself, became more sociable. Also, just seeing the way my boyfriend looks at me like I'm the love of his life when he could have any other girl really just makes my day. Your boyfriend picked you and only you. There are ways of keeping your significant other faithful and cutting them off from contact with their female friends isn't it. You need to work on your own self confidence, self love and self respect. He picked you out of a SEA of female friends so you must be one heck of a special barnacle ;) Many lucks to you, friend :)
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