A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, So my husband seems to be currently suffering from weekend depression. He works hard, split shifts, and is exhausted. He is stressed about money too. During the week, apart from being tired and complaining alot - he seems to be ok. But when Friday hits - he spirals into a deep depression. I wouldn't mind it so much - and I do what I can to help him, but he often lashes out at me, starts to blame me for stuff - like not trying hard enough to make more money (I earn more than him and my overheads are much cheaper). We both work for ourselves in different industries - so the opportunity is there to increase our wages. But still, I find it really unfair. I've been working extra hard the last few weeks - doing my best, but I know that come the weekend, something will be my fault. It's getting really hard to tolerate and I'm struggling to find compassion. He refuses to help himself. What can I do? He hasn't always been this way.
View related questions:
cheap, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2019): Op here. Thanks for the responses. @WiseOwl you have hit the nail on the head. Everything you said makes sense. Do you mind if I ask you to further expand on his stress about financial pressure? He feels like he cannot rest because we need money. We are not so badly off. He says he'll be fine when he's earning more money. And you're right, I have seen rage in his eyes and a movement like he wanted to hit me. He usually detests violence against women.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2019): Your husband needs to get a complete medical-physical and it is likely a doctor might suggest he get more rest.
The stress is getting to him, and starting to effect his mood and behavior. Extreme-exhaustion can cause all the symptoms you've described. He is pushing himself too hard in competition with you. His ego is part of the reason he refuses help. That is because it would be like admitting weakness,or failure. That he can't hack the pressure. While you're just sailing along!
Over a period of time, here's what's likely to happen. He's going to collapse. He will sink so deep he will become incapacitated and immobilized.
The body shuts itself down when it can't be pushed any further. If he's not making it in the field he has chosen; then he had better consider getting a job, or cross-training into a new field of work. If he has any common-sense, he can see his present strategy is failing badly; and adversely effecting his marriage, and his health.
Stubborn hardheaded-people have to learn things the hard-way. They have to literally bust their asses and break their backs. That's not the same as ambition. Ambition is fueled by achieving some success at what you've set-out to do.
When you're spinning your wheels, and you're losing your mind; it's time to throw in the towel. If you're getting nowhere in the process, put ego and pride aside. He's proving why women live longer than men.
It's not quitting to take time to rest; you're taking the time to refresh and re-configure a new plan, or plot a different course. Beating a dead-horse won't bring it to its feet! You buy a new horse, or consider getting a car.
You can gently coax him to see a doctor; his ego won't allow you to order him to do it. When he snaps at you, immediately tell him that just won't be tolerated. Not under any circumstances! If it continues, you will leave the house; or contact someone (preferably a male family-member) to come and sit with you until he cools off.
Don't cry wolf every-time he snaps at you. Don't drag people in your petty squabbles. If you're picking at the nerves of someone you know is exhausted, you're poking the bear. You'd react the same-way, but you wouldn't mean it. Base your reaction on the severity of his actions.
Use ultimatums and drastic-measures when dealing with grumpy stubborn people. They don't listen to reason, they don't compromise, and they don't usually calm-down when asked to.
You have to leave them, ask them to leave, or call someone you've designated as a mediator to ease and diffuse the tension. If he refuses to get help and gets worse; hand him the ultimate ultimatum. Leave him, then and there.
Don't comeback until he gets help; or ask him to leave the house when he gets aggressive. Threaten to call the police if you have to. Only if he shows heightened aggression. He's headed down the worst path, and stubborn people deserve no breaks.
Trust me, the untreated stress and depression is going to manifest in aggressive-behavior; leading to bouts of rage and/or violence. It doesn't get better. It gets worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 April 2019):
 It's hard to feel compassionate when you are at the receiving end of verbal attacks. The first is not to take any insults personally. He was projecting his insecurity onto you. You need to ask him how he is feeling. If he is not speaking with an intention to find solutions to things, then he should keep frustrations to himself. If you need to respond, say something like you see how stressful work is to him, and that after he gets some space to calm down, you are there to listen to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2019): OP here, looks like I was right. I just got blamed for not trying hard enough to get more business in in the last two weeks. I have been very busy for said two weeks with current client work. He also has a fit if I don't help him with his work. He says he works harder than me - but he spends half the day napping. I get that his split shifts are difficult, but I have spent the last two weeks working 6am-8pm and I haven't gotten a huge amount of time to work on my own stuff. But of course - it's my fault he's under the pressure to earn the money. WTF! I'm raging - it's literally never going to be good enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2019): OP here, I ticked the Male box, but actually female. Not sure if that affects answers but thought I'd mention it!
...............................
|
