A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My next door neighbour's daughter, who is in her forties, constantly flirts with my husband. He flirts back but then denies he's done anything wrong. I have approached her and asked what she thinks she's playing at. She just laughed. It upsets me. My husband said it's all in my head. What shall I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): You played into her hands by facing-up to that woman. Come-on, these are two mature people just making silly. You've turned it into something much more by overreacting. Now she's being spiteful, and your husband is enjoying the fact you're jealous and fighting over him.
You should have just ignored it. If your husband has a longstanding-history of being a cheat and is a blatant-flirt; you should have divorced him long ago.
Giving a guy too many slaps on the wrist for bad behavior sends the wrong message. If you've kept him in spite of all his Tom-foolery over the years; he'll just keep it up. He just won't take you seriously.
On the other-hand; if you have a long history of being a jealous woman; he'll just grow immune to your possessive/territorial-nature. Again, you will not be taken seriously. He'll raise your ire simply for the fun of it. Either because he thinks it's cure; or revenge for something you've said or done that pissed him off.
You are a mature-woman. It is undignified to get into someone's face; and pardon my frankness, but you're too old to be behaving in such a way. You should save your anger for your flirtatious husband. Not the lady next-door.
They're teasing. It's mockery and they're just being irritating for your benefit. If you ignore them and stop responding to their mischief; you'll take all the fun out of it. He's just doing it to get your goat. He's pushing your buttons.
You've already given her reason to mess with you. So now you'll just have to put-up with it until she just gets bored with picking on you.
As for your husband, tell him that you've been wondering how the house would feel without him living in it. Let him cook for himself, and tell him next time he feels he wants a home-cooked meal, ask the flirt next door. If he decides to do that; the next time he comes home, he'll find the locks have been changed. Save a little mad-money. Take a weekend vacation and hideaway.
Disappear and spend a weekend at an inn or inexpensive hotel. Leave a note: "I ran away with the mailman!"
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 August 2017):
 Your issue is between you and your husband, as he is the one you are married to. The fact that the other woman laughed when you confronted her instead of said either "I was not flirting with him, and I have no interest in him" or something to that effect shows that you are correct in that she *is* being flirtatious. It's ego-driven, and your husband likewise find it ego-boosting to both flirt back, AND in a perverse way, he LOVES that it gets under your skin. He has the best of both worlds where two women have lowered themselves to fighting over him.
My point is -- don't lower yourself anymore. Flirting is a gray area, because it's more about what's said or done than the act of flirting itself. Some people consider flirting to be when a restaurant server smiles after taking an order, and you smile in return. Smiles are infectuous, and the insecure can take it as flirting, so you walk a fine line as well with your insecurity.
The best thing YOU can do is to not be insecure. If this woman is TOUCHING your husband, putting her arm around him, kissing his cheek, etc., that is not cool, and you can confront your husband with specific incidents. But smiling as they talk, or the fact that they do talk in a setting? That's your insecurity, and you have to decide that she is NOT a threat. If your husband has been unfaithful to you in the past and has cheated before, that's between you and him, and if he's acting the cad again, then deal with HIM and ONLY him. What will you do when he ignores what you say??
You could leave him. You could insist marriage counseling. You could get your own life, up your wardrobe, change your hair, and go out on the town without him, all sorts of things. You may find a lot of guys flirting with YOU, and how would your husband act once the tables have been turned??
You let your feelings be known. No more confronting her unless you see her TOUCHING him inappropriately. HE is the one you're married to, and since he likes to gaslight, you need specific instances, not merely "flirting" because to the jealous or insecure, EVERYTHING is flirting. You obviously don't trust him, because if you did, you'd just laugh in your own mind at the futility of this 40-year old vixen, but you're not. You see her as a threat, and you see your husband as not faithful. That is who you deal with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): I just posted an answer as female anon. Another question, OP.
Does the neighbour's daughter actually LIVE with the next door neighbour or is she always over there because she has no life of her own???? And goes over there on purpose just to hang around your husband?
Here is another solution I thought of. It is drastic but could work.
How about putting a FOR SALE sign in front of your house and moving away? Far away!
That should do it. Just hope she doesn't give your husband her phone number!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): No, OP, you did NOT make a fool of yourself.
The people who are FOOLS are this immature, attention seeking slut next door and your weak, pathetic husband.
People have to realize that their actions DO affect others. That their actions are NOT always acceptable. And specifically in this case. There is no need, reason or justification for your husband to be whoring around with the neighbour's daughter and vice versa. It leads to no good. IS no good. And the fact people hide behind it's harmless or it's their partners fault for not lightening up and taking it is ridiculous! If you are doing it, you are clearly causing a reaction in your partner. No female likes their man flirting with other females! Period. You are absolutely right in how you feel. It is hurtful, mean, disrespectful and makes you worry that he is going to start having sex with her. Think about it? That is what flirting is for. To lay the groundwork and progress to sexual contact. The ones who do it for "fun" are just hiding behind that defence. It's like somebody insults you and then says they were just joking. They like the ego boost and some may stop there but look at the web they are tangling themselves in. Purposely. Do you think they all have what it takes to stop it if it goes too far? Why even put yourself in the position to begin with???
It's okay that you told her to back off. I would do the same thing. Why should she be allowed to get away with this inappropriate behaviour?
But now that you have told her, leave her be. Focus on where the focus should be. Your husband. He is the one who has to put an end to it. He has to stop encouraging her or reciprocating to her flirtations. He is the one to shut her down. She will keep doing it as long as he allows it. So the biggest problem you have is not her; it's your husband.
I would be prepared to bring out the big guns. If it bothers you THAT much, it can certainly be a deal breaker in a marriage. No doubt about it. You cannot possibly feel SAFE and SECURE around him when he behaves this way. This erodes the entire and essential foundation of TRUST in a marriage. So, if you are constantly worried he is going to cross the line, this is not healthy. Nor should you have to endure such torture indefinitely. A husband's job is to make his wife feel safe emotionally. He is not doing this. He is failing here.
OP, I have a few further questions. How long have you been married to this flirt? I suspect a long time. I also suspect he has done this before and you have put up with it. Maybe this time is the last straw? Can you give us a little more background on whether he has done this before? Has he had affairs or ONS before? He certainly seems to be the type.
The sad part is men like this do not change. Either you put up with it or not. It is difficult because we love them so much and think our love is enough. But it isn't. These guys have deep issues if they are constantly seeking female validation, at the expense of what counts the most in life. It is like an illness. An addiction. So, if you feel he is addicted to attention and possibly affairs, you need to have a no holds barred talk with him. Either he gets help to overcome his issues or you cannot stay married to him.
I wonder how he would like it if you were flirting back and forth with a hunkier and younger 40 year old neighbour? He would explode with rage! And forbid you to even go outside! I can guarantee you that. WHY is it that men seem to think it is okay for them to seek out female attention but when their wife or GF gets it from a guy, they go nuts and assert that it is definitely unacceptable!!!??? The double standard is alive and well, isn't it?
My mom is close to my aunt and my aunt's sister's husband always flirted with her at family gatherings. It was so bad that his own daughter finally told him to STOP IT. He eventually did. People do not get how much flirting bothers others around you, especially if it is inappropriate. The people doing it are making FOOLS out of themselves, not the spouses!!! Let us get that straight.
So, you need to tell him he has to stop. Be cold, be distant. Do not talk to him. Do not have sex with him. Tell him to go and have a good time with her. You are done. Show him you just don't give a shit. Whatever you need to do to get him to shape up. If he doesn't, then you should walk away. You will have your answer if he does not try to SHAPE UP and make YOU HAPPY. Not this woman who thinks she is all that and not him, who thinks the same thing of himself. His only responsibility is to YOU. To make YOU happy. I know it's hard and I know you love him and have been invested in him. But you need to invest in yourself and your own well being. You should never allow anybody to walk all over you. You should never have to put up with any behaviour that undermines your own self respect and self esteem. Believe me, it only gets worse. I understand you are in a certain age bracket and may feel that your opportunities are limited and you would be afraid to leave after so many years. But, trust me, it is better to be alone than to live this way. And don't ever think there are no other opportunities. There ARE.
It is your husband's job to make this better. The man who took vows to love you and honour you and be faithful for the rest of your lives. Talk about a huge breach of everything he is supposed to stand for!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): I think its silly to confront the woman. I mean I know where you're coming from, you feel threatened by their relationship and want to defend what's yours. I don't know how the confrontation went down but her laughter could be either arrogance or she just thinks your accusation is ridiculous because there is nothing there. Either way, your relationship is with your husband, not with her, so that's a conversation you should save for him and leave her out of it. You're going to meet crappy people in your life. My husband has this co worker who he used to be friends/friendly with when he and I were dating/engaged. They had a really flirty relationship and sex would come up a lot in their conversations. While I'm pretty sure she initiated the topic, he never did anything to stop it or change the subject. That coupled with the fact that I felt she was trying to dominate him, so much so that she was trying to usurp my place/priority in his life, and it became too much for me to handle. In fact, it was so obvious that the times we'd go out with her, I felt like the third wheel. And she used sex and sex appeal to gain an upper hand over my husband. If someone is using their sexuality over a man who is involved in a relationship, obviously that person is up to no good. When I brought it up to him, I told him how I felt, that I was uncomfortable and concerned about it etc and he was dismissive (like your husband is being) and carried on anyway with the friendship that made me uncomfortable. So what I did was I started acting with other boys the way he was acting with her. That immediately got his attention, he didn't like it and asked me to stop. I said I'll stop if you stop. He has not spoken to her since. Sometimes you have to give people a taste of their own medicine for them to realize what they've been doing wrong. When they walk in your shoes it's often a wake up call that incites change in them. One last thing, when my husband stopped talking to her she got really mad at him and at me. And went around saying that I'm "super jealous," she just had no respect for our relationship. Clearly she had no concept or simply didn't care that I'm the main woman in his life, not her. You're going to meet sucky people who just don't care about your relationship and will stop at nothing to come between it. So stand strong and if your gut is leaning that way, trust it and fight for your relationship. But do it wisely, because yelling at her is only going to make you look bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): If he can do it so can you ; so next time you get a chance or even tell him about the hunky guy in the store who was chatty to you saying you looked good in whatever you were wearing say you laughed it off but he was so persistent you had to say how handsome his tie made him ..If your hubby gets annoyed and starts saying your flirting .. say it's in your head we were just being friendly like you and what's her name next door and I'm going to continuely be friendly like how you to are .. so I'd get used to it, darling and give him a bright smile and walk off singing to yourself .. all the single ladies all the single ladies put your hands up .. Let's see if he likes it .. eh ? I bet he doesn't .. keep calm .. keep sweet do not yell or flake .. you have the upper hand .. this at the min .. needs to be kept light .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2017):
 Ignore it? If he does it in front of you, roll your eyes and walk away.
Your neighbor's daughter is a grown woman and will do as she pleases, it's not something you can control.
Your husband is a grown man and will do as HE pleases, it's not something you can control.
You have told him you don't appreciate it, he gaslighted you instead of owning his actions and stopping.
What do you really think YOU can do? Tell other grown people HOW to behave? Or accept that YOUR husband CHOOSES to gaslight you and flirt with other women.
Some people flirt. Some because they want a romantic outcome and others just for fun.
By telling the neighbor's GROWN daughter that you know what she is playing at you really only made a fool of yourself.
I think you are overreacting a bit. And I think the more you try and control or stop this situation, the more they BOTH will flirt - just to annoy you.
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