A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Recently started seeing this guy. We get on great and things are heading is a good direction. After my track history of men, I'm glad I've found someone who I think is genuine and decent. However. He has just told me that he failed his second year of uni and therefore may have to move back with his parents for a year. This is due to his not being able to afford to stay where he is. My issue is, can long distant really work? He says he really likes me and wants me to be his. But can it survive the distance...? He said it could be at least a year that he is away back home.I really like him and I was in tears when he told me... Any advice is appreciated. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): I don't want to discourage you, but I do want you to seriously consider whether you're both equally prepared to put in the effort. You are so very young. You have so much you need to learn, practice, and experience.
People with well-established relationships, or those who are married, fair better if separated by distance. That is due to the strength of the bond either held by legal and institutional-connections; or the benefit of many years spent together. All the ties that bind us, are stitched together when we meet and spend time interacting psychologically, physically, and emotionally. As nature intended. We first form our coupling and define our relationship to suit our needs.
Married-people know they must return and will return; because their relationship demands it on many different levels. They've sworn vows they would always commit to each other. People separated in long-term relationships had the benefit of time to forge their bonds before being separated; because they have already withstood many challenges. So they have faith in their feelings for each other. As do married-people.
I'm not here to argue the point, just to stress the facts.
Relationships initiated and linked online from a distance; or people in newly-formed commitments have lower success rates. There is a very serious chemical/biological process formed between two people who fall in-love. It starts from the dopamine produced when you touch. You must satisfy the five senses, in order for nature to take its course. Devices do not allow you to do that. Intellectual-connection isn't enough, and people can debate this until the cows come home.
There is no substitution for holding someone in your arms, and touching. Nature wired us this way.
Online-romances haven't had the chance to make emotional and psychological-attachment that ignites and reinforces human-bonding. Touch is crucial, because we starve for affection. We need to smell, we need to absorb sexual-pheromones, and taste the sweetness of a kiss. To feel a heartbeat, taste the salty sweat or tears, and smell the natural odor of our mate. As my boyfriend walks by wrapped in a towel as I type all this. Which only rests my case!
There is a lot of anecdotal-evidence and debate that people have come together and formed very strong relationships; but what they usually don't add to their argument is how strenuous it was to cement their bonds from a distance. Too much depends on the imagination, and not enough on reality.
Time is a terrible opponent. Distance delays the emotional-attachment humans form so much stronger in real-time being together. Hope and promise to be together gives something to look forward to; but you're counting on that other person to be giving equivalent effort to the cause. Well, humans have weaknesses. We behave much better knowing we can be discovered or caught. That's our nature.
It's easier to hide and betray trust when you've got distance as your cover and excuse. What you don't know would hurt you.
Many LDR couples have cheated the whole time with side-relationships that they kept hidden; or they dated secretly while in an LDR. Unbeknownst to their partners. Why? Because life goes on in real-time when you shutoff your devices.
Separation for school, call to duty, business, or travel for emergency usually has a time-limit or set return date. If you have a well-established relationship beforehand, you have more to look forward to. It was already connected. You return to your original point of origin; not transplanting from one home-base to relocate to an entirely different one.
Virtually starting a new life with a stranger; or starting the relationship all over again once you're together.
Of course some online created LDR's succeed! Only because they fulfilled their physical and sexual-needs with someone else when offline. How long do you think men will be happy sexting and exchanging pictures? What amounts to porn. They can do that without being in a relationship.
Most people find it difficult trusting someone they see nearly 24/7; let alone someone miles away, in another country, or on another continent. Conducting a relationship between devices lacks so much that we need and deserve in human-interaction and communication. It's so...cold and artificial. You may as well date an android or robot.
Take a chance on it if you really believe in it. If you can form a healthy relationship with a man you can actually spend time with, trust, get to know him up-close, and have all your human-needs met as you grow closer. Opt for what is healthiest for you as a woman. Just wanting something so bad that you throw all caution and reason to the wind, often has a very poor outcome.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (4 August 2017):
Long distance relationships are generally very, very hard.
I've been 10 years with my GF (we haven't married due to financial issues though). We have been like the equivalent of 3 years in LTR. Mostly because she is from another city, and she has had very bad health issues, and when she gets sick, only her family can take care of her.
I have never cheated her and she has never cheated me, fortunately.
Those long periods we are away are very hard to endure, but when they end, it brings us closer together.
For many people LDR don't work because it's a lot of effort and puts a lot of strain on all parts involved. In my case, it has worked out very well.
I hope that in your case it works out well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2017):
 Can long distance relationships really work ?...
Go figure. Some do and some ( much more often ) do not.
It depends from many factors. Not only from how strong and sincere your feelings are, but also from practical considerations.
Like: you can't really think of carrying on a relationshop for a year and over only through words ( texts and emails ,and even calls ). Not only for some people this is akin to psychological torture, but - you need to see the person IRL, as decently often as possible. Otherwise it all becomes a fantasy, a movie script in your mind, with little real chance to actually know a person well, to " live " him , not just dream him. Now if this guy is going home because he is too broke to stay where he is now, I suppose he will also be too broke to come and visit reasonably often. Of course you could go visit him.. but that puts all the effort, time commitmment and expenses on you. Not ideal.
On the other hand.. after all this is not like deciding if you should declare war to North Korea. I mean, what's the worst that can happen ? That you give it a try, and for some reason it does not work, and either one or both gets their heart, hopefully not broken, but somewhat bruised. But this could happen also if you lived in the same place, after all this is a recent thing, you do not know how really compatible you are. So- it's up to you- and up to how much you CAN ( financial , practical concerns ) and WANT ( are you a risk taker emotionally ? ) carry on an LDR.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2017):
 How far is the distance? How realistic is it that you two can see each other during that year?
Staying in contact CAN work, Skype, Facetime, email, text, calls, etc - it can be done.
LDR's are tough. MUCH tougher than when you are closer and can see each other more often. You have to be willing to put in the work. You have to consider that you CAN NOT maintain a healthy relationship via text. It's easy to misunderstand the written word over talking IN person or face to face.
It's just ... is an LDR something you WANT? You guys have BARELY started dating so you really don't know if he is a good fit for you and thus "worth" spending a YEAR doing an LDR.
Only you can know if you think it's worth giving it a try or not.
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