A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for four years, married for two. Everything is great in our relationship about 99% of the time, but his constant little white lies are causing huge arguments and it's really starting to rip us apart.His lies are simply little things like what time he finishes work, how much his phone bill was, whether he has done something that I have asked him too, silly things that if he lied once or twice about I wouldn't mind but it's getting to the point that he tells me a lie at least 2-3 a week.Last night, I found porn on our internet history, he denies he ever watched it and claimed it must he a virus, but ten minutes later admitted it was him and he was sorry. I'm ok with him watching it, it's the fact he lied about it. I only asked him if it was him as our nephew had used my laptop over the weekend and I wanted to make sure it wasn't him. When we first got together, he was still texting his ex a lot, when I found out, he told me he hadn't been texting her at all, and strangely all his texts on his phone had been deleted. It was after that I started wondering if he was lying to me but I let it drop because it seemed silly and I admit I was a little paranoid.But the last year or so, he has started lying again over silly things that I can find out the truth about quite easily. So, I'm not being paranoid about these lies, but still denies lying.I know their not huge lies like cheating or whatever but I can't help but wonder what else he lies about and covers up well.Whenever I talk to him about it, it turns into a argument. I don't want that, I love him, I really do but I want the truth. What can I do? Should I just drop it?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I don't know about your husband specifically, - after all the first fibs he started telling you were about his involvement with other women, - not cheating yet, but pretty close -, so unluckily we cannot exclude that your husband's lies are tactical, self serving lies to cover up his tracks when he does something actually objectionable ( and maybe the habit just spilled over other areas of his life ). We don't know him so we can't even exclude he is a chronic liar die to some mental health disturbance.
But, in general, I vote too for embarassment and conflict avoidance.
I don't want to defend liars, but... in some cases it sort of makes sense.
You see , as Tina Turner says in " Open Arms ": " Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies ".
Some times the questions are too many, and too intrusive, - or at least they FEEL that way. Asking many questions, and wanting a lot of details about menial things, may also be an attempt to establish control, to claim your territory and your sphere of influence in any area of your partner's life... and often people resent that, more or less consciously. By telling lies they try to regain balance , and to reclaim a private space that they feel is being threatened or invaded. Yes, of course it sounds stupid, when you ask them, innocuously and conversationally, " So, what did you have for dinner ? " and they answer " fish "... then it turns out they had chicken instead. What a totally stupid, unnecessary lie, one thinks. But the subtext here is " Why should I tell you EVERYTHING ? Why do I have to even report to you what I had for dinner ? If I'll feel like telling you , I'll tell you ". This is a silly example, Ok, but... think about it : MOMS ask questions and always want to know how when why where with whom. Because they do not quite trust the child to do the proper thing or make the right choice, so they check that everything has been done , or is going to be done, in a way they would approve of. The man ( or woman ) who lies without a real necessity, just for the heck of it, is basically a defiant child who , by twisting the truth a little, reclaims his / her power from the hands of a partner who is seen as having a parental role.
More so, much more so, if it's a CRITICAL parent, i.e. if the answer is " wrong " and apt to elicit disapproval,complaints and disappointment. Like , asking " Did you do X thing ( say, collect stuff from the cleaners as the person was supposed to do ). Now, in theory, if the person did not go to the cleaners, the answer should be " No I did not ", end of story. But, then what happens ? Is the reaction a " ah whatever, I guess you did not have time " ?... Or is it a predictable " ??? but you SAID you were going ! I asked you TWICE to remember ! Now , what am I supposed to do without any clean underwear etc. etc. ".
Mind you, I am not saying that such a reaction would be unreasonable or unjustified. A asks B to do x thing, B accepts so he TAKES responsibility for X thing to be done . That's the way it should work between adults. But, adults too do not like to be shamed, or criticized ,or found lacking or inadequate. They find it embarassing, and annoying- even when they KNOW it's their fault. Telling lies is one of they way they can defend themselves from embarassment.
I am not accusing you of being a nag, I have no elements whatsoever to say that. Just saying that ,in any case, it may help to realize how, with which words and which tune, you react if you get a true answer ... which for you is a wrong answer. " Yes, I watched porn, so what. I enjoy watching porn " " Yes, I ended work early and then I went to have a drink with friends rather than coming right back home " " Yes, my phone bill was very high according to YOUR standards, but I am perfectly fine with spending that amount on phone calls "- and so on and so forth.
Do you convey disapproval when the answer is not one you like ? How much disapproval , and in which way is it expressed ?... maybe it's worth giving that a little thought, even before tryng to devise anti-bullshit strategies..
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 June 2014):
Some people are just chronic liars. It's a defense mechanism learned as a child that sometimes goes away but often doesn't.
I'm guessing there are professionals trained to deal with it. Maybe you could talk to him and tell him that you're not accusing him of lying. You know he does that that's not up for discussion. Ask him to listen to you without interrupting or trying to defend himself. Tell him how it makes you feel and that it needs to stop for your sanity and for the sake of your relationship. Find a professional beforehand that can help and set him up an appointment (maybe a behavioral therapist). Tell him that all you're asking is for him to go once per whatever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): My husband is a constant liar. He too lies about where he has been for work during the day, where he went for lunch, what he had for lunch, who he saw, the list is endless. I find it ernormously wearing. Even when he catches himself out he will still lie to cover the lie. I have no idea why they do it or what this secretiveness is for. They gain nothing from it. I suspect they lie to cover their actions because in some way they are being dishonest and don't want to get caught. The mobile phone is a big warning light. Any deleted history is suspicious and I would imagine he is still in contact and texting his ex. I really can give you no help here as nothing I have done works and if questioned my husband will say that I am paranoid and laugh it off. I have learnt to basically ignore any of his answers and go by my own gut instinct which is disappointing to say the least but at least I know where I am with it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Sit him down and ask him. Be calm, but this NEEDS to be talked out. He NEEDS to understand what he is doing is detrimental to the marriage and how you perceive him.
WHY do you feel you have to lie to me? (and don't accept a I don't know answer).
ASK him, WHAT can I do to make you STOP lying to me?
ASK him, How would you feel if I started lying about things that aren't really important, but still erodes trust?
TALK this out.
Many people lie as a defense mechanism, to me it seems like you are the "parent" and he the kid (when he is put on the spot) and he turns instantly into a 5 year old who took too many cookies.
They may not be BIG lies, but it will deteriorate trust - because you don't know when he lies and when he doesn't. Someone who lies about little things (whether they get away with it or not) will have no problem lying about bigger things.
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