A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My beloved mom passed away 5 years ago. i am married and live 10miles away from my father who is single and has been living in the same house he's been living his whole life. The hose is clean because he has a cleaning lady but in terrible conditions. And my father is a heavy smoker, a lot overweight and a heavy drinker- also, in his mid 70s. We've always had an on-off relationship and we always fight a lot. I rarely visit him because when I see him I get hung up and paranoid. We are in contact via text and email. Anyway, today I went to see him and he was his usual drama queen telling me he has heart problems, that he will die tomorrow and that this is how he'd like to be buried and that he wants me to live in his house with his 200year old furniture when he dies because that's been our family home for centuries. Well now: I am scared he might die and I am scared once he dies I will feel morally obliged to live in that house. How do ai overcome these guilt feelings? How do I overcome the double feeling I get when I see this man - I pity him for his loneliness and poor health and yet I dont want to be manipulated. How can I deal woth such a heavy presence in my life?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 November 2015):
 Stop participating in the fights, whatever they are about.
A reality check, sadly, would point out that an obese heavy smoker and drinker in his 70s doesn't have a great life expectancy. Also sadly, you can't fix his health or his habits to make him live longer. He's on the path he set himself on years ago and there is nothing you can do about it at this point in time.
I agree with the white lie suggestion.
Don't engage in his drama if it troubles you so much. Recognize that you have emotional buttons that he appears to be expert at pushing, become aware of the manipulation and you won't fall victim to it.
"Dad, I'm sad to hear about your health problems. It's a concern so let me know what you are doing to address those issues and I'll help as best I can."
"Dad, if you are going to die tomorrow then we have a lot of things to discuss. Do you have your will up to date? Do you have wishes for your medical care if you fall ill and can't make those decisions for yourself?.
"Dad, of course I'll do what needs doing as far as the house goes. You'll be happy and proud of me, I know."
If he's experiencing signs of dementia then just flat out lie, "of course I'll be moving into the house! Of course I'll take care of the family heirlooms!"
He may just need reassurance that someone has his back in this very scary and lonely part of his life.
You'll have to learn to let go of these feelings. I would highly recommend that you look into support groups such as Al-Anon or one for grieving families.
Just stop engaging him on the hot button topics and don't spend another minute worrying about telling fiblets.
I've had 2 parents with dementia and similar issues and you can survive this if you don't take things personally. When someone is irrational and illogical like this it's usually the dementia talking, not them.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 November 2015):
 My dad just died two weeks ago so I feel your pain having an ill father. I lost my mom 20 years ago.
You are bringing the discomfort on yourself.
You are not responsible for his feelings or his wants or desires.
you should not pity him. he's a grown man who has made his choices.
IF he was MY DAD (and yes I did this sort of stuff with him when he was alive and also sick)
I would say to him when he says "I'm going to die tomorrow"
I'd say 'can you make it the day after tomorrow does not work for me" or " what would you like me to wear to your funeral?"
you are not morally or legally obligated to live in his home or even retain ownership. Feel free to say "I'll consider it dad" and when he dies sell the place.
in order to get over this guilt that you allow yourself to feel I suggest working with a therapist to get to the root of why you feel guilty about being an independent adult.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 November 2015):
 I think you have to realise that you are a grown-up now. This means you can decide tell your father the truth or a white lie about the house.
As he becomes older and more frail he will come to rely on help more. You don't have to behave like an obedient child now. If he wants your help it must be in a mutually favourable way.
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