| A
female
age
30-35,
*hibijess
writes: About a month ago now my boyfriend broke up with me. it was hard as he was my first and the reason he did it was un-known really, but he did it at a very bad time as i was worried about pregnacy as we were not safe. This hurt me badly, but i did not want to dwell on it so i tried to move on. only talking to him when i needed to.it came to a point when he kicked me during a big arguement. i brought this on myself, as i pushed him to far and i know he has an anger mangement issue that he's stopped being able to deal with since he's stopped boxing.I never wanted to let go off the friendship we had, because we got on like a house on fire. so lately we've been hanging out and everytime were alone things get cuddley and he'll tickle and plays the silly, cute games that only we play and the feelings come back.he says he wants to move on and even though i want to see if our feelings go any where i'll leave it if it'll make him happy. he really confuses me as i know the type of guy he is. he's very closed and it takes alot for him to open up or be close to you, so when he says something to do with his feelings i believe him. so when he says he wants to move on and not try again with me im fine with it. but the last time i was round he was the one cuddleing me, i didnt ask for the hugs or the games like usual. it was him and i liked it and didnt stop it because i like him and i miss him. im just confused because i dont know what this means or where i stand with him.i could talk to him and tell him to leave it, but i really dont want to lose him as a friend. let alone the attention. i know he's not using me because of all the low things he could do, he would never do that because no matter how little he feels for me he does care. its the little things like letting me sleep over, in his bed while he takes the couche. lying next to me, stroking my hair until im asleep.i know i shouldn't be sleeping over at his house, but nothing other than the above and a bit of cuddleing happens. if i stopped hanging out with him it'd be fine, but i can't because i do like him still and i do like his company.what do you think i should do?
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (9 December 2006):
 Chibijess,
You say you are confused about where you stand, but your boyfriend has made it clear. I know that he is cuddly, but he has ended the relationship and you have to believe him. This means you have to move on too.
If you can do this and at the same time retain your current friendship exactly as it is then there's nothing wrong with that. But it is very difficult to do. It is likely to leave you feeling hurt, confused and used. If you find that you are struggling to cope with such a close friendship because it is always leaving you longing for more, then it is best for you to reduce the intensity of this relationship. Give yourself time and space away from your ex, stop staying at his house, ask him not to play cuddly games with you because it brings back memories. You have to give yourself the chance to move on and the chance for your own feelings to settle and heal, as they will do in time.
This doesn't mean you necessarilly need to cut him out of your life altogether. It doesn't mean that the friendship is totally over. It just needs to change. You shouldn't be scared of losing his friendship just if you ask him to stop being so intimate, if he is a good friend he will respect this. The confusion that you are feeling at the moment is unlikely to go away if you leave this situation as it is.
I am sorry - I know you want your friendship to remain as close as possible. But give yourself a chance to clear your head and heal your heart. And ultimately the deepest friendship is what you will find will be with your lifelong partner, so you will no longer need to depend on this boy's friendship so much.
-Sally
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