A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband is very controlling he times my every move. tells me to pack my clothes when I try to go see my friend and says housework is women work. and we both work. he spends all the extra money we are about behind on our bills that I take care of and manipulates me about every thing. I need a break from working for him. I have no one to talk too my sister/best friend lost her marbles 4 years ago and never found them stiil hunting them. my dad died and my whole family fell apart and im in aprison of hate and disrespect by my husband that didn't act like this til now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2018): I do not think your husband changed.I think love blinded you so you did not see his true self.I am very afraid for you.Control can jump to pysical abuse quickly.You are already suffering from emtional abuse.Yes he is abuseing you.You know your self esteem is already shot.What you gotta do is contact an abused woman's shelter.You need to form an escape plan.Do not let him know you plan to escape.When an abuser knows you are gonna leave he is gonna get violent.That is why all this must be kept on the down low so you can be safe.After you leave follow up with the shelter get help so you never have to live this again.You deserve better.you are a good person.This is not your fault.It is all on him and the way he treats you.Who cares what other people think.You have the right to be safe and have a happy life.Please leave you are a good person and you deserve to be treated as such and down deep somewhere you know it and now you know what you must do.be safe my prayers are with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018): How long have you been married, and do you have children?
There isn't much you can do; but ask your husband to help you. If you persist, eventually and begrudgingly, he will.
You can't order him to do anything, because he is a grown-man. If he has decided he's the boss; somehow you dropped the ball, and allowed him to forget you're equals. You work as a team. One backs the other up. You support each other. There is no woman's work or man's work. Work is work!
Problems in marriages are deep-seated and very emotional. Change comes with age, and the dynamics of marriage start to change when people don't know how to communicate with each other. Very passive or submissive-women make the huge mistake of marrying very macho brutish men; and suddenly want to humble and domesticate them. The story is always "he wasn't always like this." Yes he was. With age he just got worse.
If you have only been married a short-time; and if you really didn't get to know him very well first, now you're seeing his true-colors. People can maintain a facade for a number of years. Put on a face for work, their friends, their family, and you. While a different creature lurks deeply below the surface. Human-chameleons. They have multiple personalities.
If you've been married for years; and if you have any children. Everyone was busy working their butts off; and doing their part to maintain a decent standard of living. You were so busy caring for your young-ones; maybe you didn't notice the distance coming between you and your husband. Maybe you're both career-oriented; and finally you're where you want to be financially, but you're now rediscovering your marriage. It may have gotten a little neglected along the way.
You weren't much noticing how age and time was changing him. If the kids are now getting older or adults; and you're spending more time with each other, you're now seeing the older-version of the once tolerable jerk you married. He's now a full-fledged nasty aging middle-aged mean-spirited overly-macho asshole. Pardon the language.
Like many women, you equate strength with machismo. If he's really masculine, that makes you feel safe and secure. Well, with that comes some other things you have to take into account. He don't do lady's-work! That's why he married you. "He don't know nothin bout birthin no babies!"(Reference from the epic movie Gone with the Wind) You get up and feed and change the baby.
If it's a boy, once he learns to throw a ball, and play sports; he decides to be a father. He then decides his job is to coach him to be a professional athlete, or follow in his footsteps. If it's a girl, that's your job. His job is to keep boys from getting her pregnant.
Sometimes losing a job, financial-problems, job-woes, feeling like a failure, and middle-aged crisis gets to us men. It affects you according to the type of personality and character you have.
Men of good-character, strong distinction, and solid moral-fiber; age with dignity, and mellow with time. We face our challenges; and we make those who love us feel safe, loved, and well provided for. Men of weak-character over-compensate with how manly they are. Bullying everybody, taking-out his anger and frustrations on everyone. They turn to drugs and drinking; only to make matters worse. They internalize everything, and only express their anger and rage. You can't talk or reason with them. You simply count the days until they're dead, or ask for a divorce.
Hand him an ultimatum. Let him know you've tried to reason with him every which-way, and he's like a brick wall. He won't even try working with you for the sake of the marriage; so you've come-up with your own solution. Marriage-counseling, or a divorce. He's got to see consequences, and you've got to have a backbone.
Another thing! If there are teenagers running around the house, or kids from age 10 years-old and up. They are old enough to help with household-chores. They can vacuum, take out trash, dust, clean their rooms, fold laundry, and do a long list of things. Other than sit around the house staring at the screen of a digital-device. Same goes for grown-ass lazy senior high school students; or mooching college students living at home. They can certainly help you do things around the house; and certainly, hubby can pitch in too.
Extreme situations call for extreme measures. Sometimes you've got to shakeup the household and make them all think you've lost your mind. If you're afraid of him accepting a divorce, and living on your own. Be quiet, shut-up and put-up! It's your choice.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 September 2018):
 Life is waaaaay too short to be married to someone that doesn't treat you with love and respect. Try talking to your husband calmly and rationally. Make a list if you need to and tell him what you are feeling. Hopefully he will be receptive. If you do love him and that doesn't work can you go to a counselor? do you go to the church could you ask for counselling from there? If none of that works then you may need to make the decision that you don't want to live that way and start thinking of your exit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2018):
 How long have you been married?
And is this who you see yourself with as you grow older?
It sounds like a miserable existence.
If you DO want to try to change things, I would suggest 1. that you sit down with him and make a budget, so you EACH get spending money.
While HE might think chores are women's work, they are not, so I'd suggest you STOP doing some of them. LIKE his laundry. Picking up after him should also be a no no and I would consider NOT cooking or catering to him for a while.
You are both working. Why should YOU have 2 jobs and he only one? You work full-time out of the house and at home. That is ridiculous.
I do 90% of the chores around here. BUT I also don't work outside the home. And IF I need help or just want others to pitch in all I have to do is ask, my kids or my husband. Which is as it should be.
What happened that changed your husband?
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