A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:He never has time for me, not even during the weekends.It's not like I sit there begging for his attention all day, every day.. I have my chores, errands, hang out with my friends, etc. But I do also want to talk to him and spend time with him. When I call him, he says he's busy.. he's always busy. We barely hangout one day per month. His birthday is coming up in November, he already told me yesterday during our bruef conversation over the phone that he foresee himself being busy so why don't we celebrate it in October. He swears he's not seeing anyone and wants very much to be with me. He's always telling me to find something to do and not bother him. a part of me feels like I'm a little kid always pestering him for attention but a part of me tells me that two people need to spend time together to maintain a relationship. Being with him makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. I want to just walk away, block him abd shut him out completely. Should I do that? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2018):
 While he obviously CAN be sweet and attentive, you have not BEEN his top priority in the last 3 years.
Guy friends and then side projects are more important to him.
Seem to me that he LIKES the idea of a relationship and having a GF, but on HIS terms. So you sit on the shelf until he wants to "have" a GF and when he doesn't he puts you back on the shelf and focus on HIS life, his interests goals and dreams... you aren't part of that. And that is sad.
You have tried many methods to point out that you EXIST, you WANT to be around him and you WANT to interact with him. And he... isn't having it. It seems like it's HIS way only.
So yes, I'd gladly let him go. It's NOT too much to have expectations of talking to your partner and spending time with them, more than ONCE a month.
Chin up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018): Dear WiseOwlE
Also it's not a matter of feeling lonely.
If I'm Single, then I won't expect the company of a boyfriend.
But if I have a boyfriend, I would expect communication and interaction with the guy that is my boyfriend.
I can't be in a relationship but live the life of a Single person who has minimal communication and interaction with the person I'm in a relationship with.
I'm not a needy person. I work during the weekdays and only require to touch base to see how each other is doing. I do perfer to spend some time together during the weekend, whether it be chatting for an hour or so on the phone or going out together. I honestly don't feel it's too much to ask for in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018): Dear WiseOwlE,
Your last paragraph sums it up perfectly "Here's how it goes. You get cold-shouldered, made to feel like you're bothering him; and if you say what's on your mind, he'll accuse you of overreacting. His schedule just gets busier and busier. His contact is reduced to short chats..."
What confuses me is that he honestly doesn't think anything is wrong with what he's doing and states over and over again that as long as I'm willing to stop complaining and just wait for when he has time for me, our relationship will be great. Another thing that confuses me is that when we do see each other, everything is great, we talk and laugh and he is attentive, always holding my hand, feeding me, hugging me, kissing me.. and it's not about sex. We go out on dates, attend family events together, or just hang out as a normal couple.
All this doesn't make me feel like he's over me. He's been wanting to move in together, but since he started ignoring me about 2 yrs ago and we started having problems, I held back on taking that step.
I don't know if it makes sense to say he's a rude and selfish person that does want to be with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018): I think it's a good sign when you start to weigh the pros and cons; and make a final-decision based on the facts of the situation. I guess you already realize what you have to do; and aren't really asking for advice. You're building-up your courage, and need a little push.
It's better for you to reach the final-straw; to minimize second-guessing, and/or end procrastination.
Here's a question that you can ponder on, while you make your final-decision. Since you already feel pretty lonely with him, how lonely could you feel without him? He's given you a head-start in getting over him.
There are many "toolish" or spineless ways of giving people the brush-off. He seems to be the type that won't initiate breaking-up with you; because he's a coward, and might be avoiding drama. He hopes you're the one who initiates the breakup. He doesn't want you to plead and emotionalize, or cry. He'd rather you get pissed and dump him! It's a cleaner getaway!
Another way is just cutting-off the air-supply to your relationship. Short responses, very little talk. Silence. Little to no emotional-interaction, cool, and distant. Indifferent or nonchalant. Basically, letting you dry-up and fall-off like a skin-tag. Meanwhile, he's probably got someone else in-mind; or waiting on the sidelines.
Here's how it goes. You get cold-shouldered, made to feel like you're bothering him; and if you say what's on your mind, he'll accuse you of overreacting. His schedule just gets busier and busier. His contact is reduced to short chats, and booty calls.
Okay! So, what do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2018): Dear Honeypie,
Yes, he said as long as I stop BARKING everything is fine. That it's not a big deal but I'm exagerating and blowing it out of proportion.
His ignoring me started 2 years ago. When it first happened I couldn't understand why.. he had met these new guy friends and was out with them all the time. I cried and I begged for his attention, I got mad and yelled, I threatened.. I went through all the phases of depression. He never gave me the time I needed. Then he stopped hanging out with these guys, not sure why, but it was a full stop no contact with the guys. He got a little better and we started spending time together. Then again a few months ago, he got into several side projects, which has no deadline, just on his free time, and once again he started ignoring me. This time, I don't cry anymore, I don't beg or yell anymore.. I try to reason with him.. he promised week after week after week that he will spend some time with me during the weekends.. has not happened yet. So, I'm done waiting for something that will probably never happen.
The first three years we were together, everything was good, never had this problem. He was very attentive and caring.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2018):
Good for you OP!
You wanting to spend time with him is called "barking" at him? Seriously?
You spend 5 YEARS with this guy WAITING to start a REAL relationship? You know... the kind where people grow together, etc.
Take yourself some time to BE single. To figure out what you have to offer a partner, and a standard of what you DO expect from a partner and then DO NOT settle when you meet someone.
His loss really...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): Dear Youcannotbeserious,He is not married and doesn't have children. I'm sure if that. We've been together for 5+ years and I've close to all his family. We attend family events together and I hang out with his siblings and cousins, most times without him.I gave it my last and final attempt to reason with him today. His statement is that I should just wait until he has time for me. I asked when will it be that he will have time for me? When was the last time he had time for me? He replied with since I'm BARKING all the time, it's hard for him to want to soend time with me. I'm trying to reason with him to hopefully work on improving our communication and relationship and he calls it BARKING at him. So, I told him not to worry, that I will block him and he will never in this lifetime hear me BARK again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2018):
Just end it, OP
His words are just words. The whole I"I want to be with you" is something he says because he KNOWS that is what you want to hear.
You OBVIOUSLY is not a priority for him. AT all.
If he is busy when you call he doesn't even call you back later when he ISN'T busy... which to me means he just is "too busy" for YOU.
Yes, people need to spend time together, talk, explore, have adventures, make memories together... not meet up once a month.
WANT more for yourself in a partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018): Yup, I think this Romeo is already attached! It's so obvious. Sweetheart, nobody needs to make you feel unloved or worthless. He doesn't see the amazing person you are. And he doesn't care. You will feel much better once you let him go and live your life. You're not important enough to him. Only when he wants a little extra sex and attention. You need more.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 September 2018):
 He makes time to see you once a month and you call that a relationship? Sister, wake up, open your eyes and acknowledge this relationship is long over.
I wouldn't mind betting this guy is MARRIED, let alone seeing someone else. He probably has a family who he (rightly) devotes his time to. That is who he will be with on his birthday.
Take a deep breath, look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I am worth better than this". Then move on.
I really don't think there is much point in blocking him as, if you don't bother contacting him, it doesn't sound like he will bother contacting YOU.
Move on with your life and next time demand more from a relationship than what you got from this one.
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