A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend, I always have, since we were in highschool I just never got the chance to be with him, until now (10 years later). He has a 5 year old son (with his exgirlfriend) who is completely overactive. They broke up just after he was born and he hasn't dated anyone since me for the past 3 years. His kid cries instantly (fake tears of course) over the smallest thing...his father wouldn't buy the candy he wanted, or wouldn't get the balloon he wanted right then or there. He lashes out at school. 4 out of the 5 school days he will come home with misbehaviour reports of him spitting, hitting, or throwing things at other students or teachers. He doesn't listen to his father when hes told to do things, like clean his toys up after he finishes playing with them, or take a shower..etc. When my boyfriend isn't at home he doesn't listen to me also. For instance last night he threw a huge fit because I was trying to put him to sleep (it was already 930PM and he has school early the next morning.) I turn off the lights, but he will turn them back on and pull out all his toys. He has an endless amount of toys so I can't possibly hide all of them. I tell him that I will tell his father when he comes home, but of course that threat does not worry him in any way. I turned off the light again and held the switch down so he couldn't turn it back on and he wailed! I mean you would have thought I was murdering the poor kid. I didn't know what to do, I have no kids of my own. There are other things too but I simply can't list them all. Anyways this is not about telling the boyfriend to pick me or the kid. I just want to know if anyone else has experiences with thier partners child (who is overactive) and how to deal with it. I really want this relationship to work and to do that I need to figure out how to relate to ALL parties involved and not just my boyfriend.
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female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I think it's lovely that you're still trying and making an effort to understand your partners son and to help him. too often people consider walking away when the child becomes a problem.
My daughter has adhd, so she has the hyperactivity part aswell as the attention problems and I'm living with a man who is not her father but has taken her on as his own. Firstly I would say that your partners son is probably experiencing a lot of emotions that he doesn't know how to communicate properly. It doesn't mean he should be allowed to get away with everything though as he currently is. If there are no conseqences for bad behaviour then why would he choose to stop acting this way? You, his father and his mum need to try and arrange a strategy that will be implemented in both homes so that he knows where he stands, what is and isn't acceptable and doesn't become confused by mixed messages.
It's all too easy to get bogged down in the day to day things that happen, and nobody feels like taking a child out for a treat when they've been behaving badly all week right? but quality time with the three of you will help him feel secure, loved and wanted.
You're doing a great job and you're being really patient. I think as long as his father starts to introduce some discipline and you continue trying then things will get better.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 You are in a very difficult situation, and I completely sympathize. The child wants attention, and has learned how to get it. The thing to do is to change how the child gets that attention.
When he does something that you want him to do, lavish him with attention and praise. Find ways to reward him and give him positive affirmation. Go out of your way to make situations where it's appropriate to give him positive attention.
And the converse. Structure his world so that he can't demand attention. If he's misbehaving, leave him in a place where he can't hurt himself so that you can ignore him while he demands inappropriate attention. It should go without saying that his father has to be onside with this treatment, and that his father (who, after all, is the one who he wants attention from) is lavishing attention and praise for all the child's good behaviour.
Reinforce the good, discourage the bad. It's hard, particularly since you aren't the child's birth-mother. Kids are remarkably good at playing us, and the only answer is to out-think them. So think it through as much as you can beforehand. But it is doable, as long as you genuinely care for the child.
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