A
female
age
41-50,
*nsertCleverNameHere
writes:I don't really know where to start... I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, we moved in together after a year and I have never been happier in my life. This relationship is the strongest, most fulfilling relationship I have ever been in (I've been engaged twice, but never married) and some days, I can't believe love can be this incredible!! However.... I am absolutely, completely, undeniably haunted by my BF's ex wife. They were together 10 years, have three of the most incredible kids I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with, and I know how fortunate I am to have them in my life!! When she left, he stayed in the house they shared, which is the house I moved into. For many reasons, staying in this house was the best option for us, and though I try very hard to have it feel like "home", it just isn't. Everywhere I turn, I (figuratively speaking) see his ex wife. There are 10 years worth of happy family pictures on our computer, and though I do not want him to get rid of his memories, I have a hard time with them being there... They talk- ALL the time! On a daily basis, they are texting or talking. I have mentioned this to him numerous times, to which he defends "its about the kids" or "its not actually that often". I have no doubt that their conversations start out about the kids, but they share everything about their lives with each other, every time they see each other. I understand fully that they were each other's best friend for that 10 years together, and I try desperately to be understanding... But with each hurdle, I find myself getting increasingly frustrated to a point where when he or the kids even mention her name, I grit my teeth and want to scream!! Recently, she sent him a text saying that she feels their relationship is deteriorating, to which he thought would please me. But all that did for me was solidify what I've been saying all along, that their relationship has never actually ended. She is now living with her BF but I believe its more about convenience then actually moving on. And maybe I'm being critical towards her, but I find that with every passing day I am becoming increasingly frustrated (downright sick and tired of the fact that she NEVER goes away) and I fear that there will come a time when I can't take it anymore and I will leave the greatest relationship I've ever known, because I couldn't handle her presence in our lives... I am so scared that it will be easier to walk away than continue like this. I don't know how to deal with all of this anymore... I want desperately to be understanding and reasonable... They have three amazing children together who have dealt with the divorce and my part in their Dad's live without any problems at all. I am so grateful for that!! But my biggest fear is that I just won't be able to handle the ghost of his ex wife any longer and I will run... I find myself becoming irritated by the smallest things, just because they pertain to her... what can I do? What do I do?? Help, please!
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, moved in, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I think that since it was she who left him, he may very well not be over her. now she has a new boyfriend but maybe she's unhappy with him too and thinking of trying to get your bf back. and him not being over her, is open to the idea of getting back with her. I think that their present relationship -given that you are in the picture and so is her new bf - is crossing appropriate boundaries. Let's say she was not the mother of his children. Let's say she was not his ex-wife. then it would be inappropriate of him to be calling and texting and being so emotionally intimate with another woman other than his girlfriend. So now add in the fact that she is the mother of his children and that they used to be married but aren't anymore. Why should it suddenly be OK? whenever the status of a relationship changes - married to divorced, partners to being non-partners - new boundaries appropriate to the new relationship should be put in place. If there weren't going to be new boundaries, then the relationship might as well have never changed status. In which case it would be inappropriate for him to be getting a new girlfriend (you) or her a new boyfriend.I would not dismiss your feelings or berate yourself for being not accepting enough. their relationship is not appropriate because they are not supposed to be each other's emotionally-intimate partners. If they do want to be each other's intimate partners then he should not be having you in the picture and she shouldn't be having her new bf around either.I think you need to consider if this guy is right for you. Maybe he is the right guy but at the wrong time. Maybe he needs a lot more time (like, YEARS) before he can really get over his ex wife and be able to commit to a new relationship. Rather than using his new relationship to supplement his old one or vice versa which it seems he's doing.No you shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum or make him choose. I would not want my partner to make me choose between him and my friends. But that's the whole point. No one should be made to choose between their partner or their friend. the fact that there appears there is a choice to be made, is evidence that boundaries are being crossed and therefore maybe this guy isn't ready to be in a new relationship yet.
A
female
reader, InsertCleverNameHere +, writes (28 August 2012):
InsertCleverNameHere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say thank you so much to all of you for your thoughts on this situation!! I've never submitted a question on the Internet before, but I think I've reached a point now where I need to hear other people's opinion just to gain some reasonable perspective. I've obviously become enthrawled in the drama and have a difficult time stepping back to see the big picture now. People in my life have been very supportive, but I also know they are bias. Which is how I came to seek opinions here. Again, it is so appreciated that you all have taken the time to respond!! Thanks so much!!
Just to touch on a couple of things asked....
Mr Anonymous, thank you for presenting from another side! I have also stayed very close friends with ex's from my past and know very well how treasured those friendships are! When I started dating this man, he was very straight forward with me about how uncomfortable it makes him that I'm close with my ex's, so out of respect for our relationship and his feelings, I spoke with said ex's and explained the situation and that I wanted to give this relationship the "all" it deserves, to which they were very understanding. I still maintain a friendship with these guys, I just don't spend the time I used to hanging out with them. My BF was very grateful. However, this is where some of the irritation of the situation stems from...
Eddie85, thank you for your thoughts on this. I am not sure if this all comes from my own insecurities, which it may! Or if it comes from my naive assumption that as time went on, their conversations and communications would subside, which they haven't. I was sure that after her BF moved in, she would get her own life and the issues would become less and less, but I am afraid to say they have not. Maybe it is my insecurities causing me worry that there could be a time that he wants his family back? And maybe it is my insecurities that make me wonder if I'll ever be "enough", because I am not the woman who gave him children, or the woman he married first... I am certainly having a difficult time determining whether my concerns are legitimate or purely an emotional response. Thanks again, Eddie85 for taking the time to respond!
Basschick, it is very comforting hearing that you have also been in this situation!! Obviously I'm aware I'm not the first woman to date a man with children and an ex wife, but I thank you for your input!! All the things you mentioned (moving the pictures into the kids rooms and such) I have now done. I certainly will never bad mouth their mother because I'm having a tough time with her place in my life! They love their mother very much, and I would never influence their beautiful hearts for my own selfishness! With that said, I do feel a little better that I'm not staring at their happy family pictures constantly! Your response to my situation is appreciated- thank you!!
StayC and SageOldGuy, I also very much appreciate your time and response to my situation, I appreciate your insights as well! I wasn't expecting as many responses as I got, but I am very grateful for them! It has been extremely rewarding to read each persons thoughts because they are unbiased! I am going to take what each of you said and use it to help re-examine where my concerns are comin from, and how to best handle it.
Thank you SO much, all of you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 Yep your man has a bad case of the ex-wife syndrome. Tell me again why they got divorced in the first place when clearly they are still way too connected and sorry it's not just for the kids anymore. Secondly it's time for you to start telling him how you feel about the constant phone calls, the longand personal discussions that they should not be having with each other. Sounds like someone lacks closure. Maybe he just loves the attention that it hasn't occurred to him, that it's preventing him from moving on with you. As far as the photos go, why not agree to remove all photos that include the ex wife (yes he can keep pictures of the kids if she's not in any of those photos). The others can be religated to the kids room where they can still enjoy her memory. They don't need to be in the family room, on top of the computer, in the book cases, on the fireplace mantel. Clearly he is not moving on and he's using the kids as an excuse. Trust me, I went throuh this myself. Try also to put your own personal touch in the house. Paint a couple of walls. Redecorate with new curtains, some new sofa pillows, a few new paintings on the walls, things that represent this new chapter. In my experience I had to take matters into my own hands so one week when my boyfriend was out of town for business I moved all those photos into the kids rooms, a few I put away in nice boxes for later when the kids were older. I made a scrap book for each kid so they'd have their own collection of Mom photos.The photos he had taken of just the kids, I kept. Then I re-painted a few walls, bought some new paintings, new couch pillows and finally the place started to feel less about her, and more about me. You gotta talk to him otherwise nothing will ever change. He's gotta cut the cord.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I wish there was a magic cure for this situation, but there isn't. With 3 children and that much history together, she is going to be a constant source in his life -- at least until the kids are fully grown.
What you fail to mention, though, is WHY you feel the way you do. Are you worried that he will go back to her? Is reality finally dawning on you that he was intimate with another woman for a significant portion of his life? Are you putting in mommy-duties but not getting the mommy-respect from his kids? Do you worry he still has feelings for his ex?
Being a step-parent and a 2nd wife is NOT an easy job -- especially with kids in the picture. Some people can put the thoughts of their spouse's past aside and live with confidence that their relationship is strong. In many ways, you will need a thick skin, as the kids will always respect their biological mom more strongly than you (no matter what you do). While your new boyfriend will obviously honor you, his kids and placating his ex-wife will always be a priority and he probably is in an awkward position of not bad-mouthing his children's mother in front of them.
Personally, I think you need to identify why you feel the way you do. Perhaps this is phase you are going through and will work itself out. But generally speaking, these types of situations don't get better over time unless you learn to put aside whatever fear or insecurity you may be feeling. Not everyone can do it, but the key is to work with your boyfriend to minimize her legacy in your home -- again -- you'll never be able to remove it completely, but he can definitely help lower her ghostly presence.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): this really is a sticky situation. the only thing i can offer you is a possible perspective from the other side of the equation.i have never been married, but i was with my most recent ex girlfriend for years and years when we broke up last june. after a bit of time apart, we came back into each others lives and she is legitimately one of my closest friends now. nothing sexual, no longing or nostalgia whatsoever. as you said, we had been each others best friend for so many years, that it's absolutely wonderful to be able to have her in my life in that capacity. and there's really no one that can change my mind about my friendship with her or convince me that i should have to pick one over the other. if i'm forced to, then i will pick my friendship with my ex 100% of the time because i won't ever be with someone that makes me choose like that. i need someone who understands and trusts me, and knows that i would never put her in a questionable, unfair situation where i was being shady or unfaithful. she is my friend, and whoever i'm with will either trust that and have faith in me, or not.my current girlfriend had a bit of a rough time understanding my friendship with my ex at first. and i can't blame her. it's a complicated, confusing situation when you keep exes in the picture sometimes. i'm not oblivious to that. i do get that completely. other than the issue with my ex, my girlfriend and i have the most incredible, healthy relationship i could imagine. i told her i understood her worry and concern, but that as long as i had never given her a reason not to trust me, which i haven't, that i really hoped she could give me the benefit of the doubt. and after a few minor bumps in the road, she has finally gotten to see that there really is nothing she has to worry about. that i love HER, and that my ex and i are only friends. great friends. but nothing more. and while i understood her concern and issues with me and my ex being so close, i can honestly say that if she had continued to persist and have a problem with her in my life, i wouldn't have been able to deal with it. because either you trust me or you don't. i don't think it's fair to ask your boyfriend to stop talking to her. and if you do, i forsee a big blow out. i will say, i know it must be hard on you living in that same house. but i lived with my ex in the house i still live in now, and believe me, no part of me still associates the memories or the house with her. everything looks and is the exact same as when we were together, but when i come home, i never think of her at all, or that we shared our lives together in the house. i've made new memories completely and don't associate her with it at all. in fact, most times, i forget she even lived here with me.also, seeing pictures on the computer must not be easy. but keep in mind. that's his kids mother. she will ALWAYS be in the picture for that purpose. all i'm trying to suggest is that maybe you are being your own worst enemy. if he's not given you reason not to trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt. if you can't, i suggest you get out of the relationship. because it's not going to get better. i hope a little bit of an outsiders perspective has helped. maybe now you can see that not all relationships with exes are something to worry about. mine sure isn't. best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, InsertCleverNameHere +, writes (27 August 2012):
InsertCleverNameHere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so very much for taking the time to respond... All/any insights, suggestions or help offered is appreciated very much! The reason they are no longer together is because she left, saying she wasn't happy. We have explored the idea of moving, however, due to certain circumstances, it's not an option. I moved in, hoping the more time I spend in the home, the more "me" I see, and less "her"... Unfortunately, I think that was very naive on my part...This man is one of the most attentive, affectionate, wonderful men I have ever been with! He's an excellent communicator, tells me how grateful he is for me coming into his life, that he never realized he could find someone like me... All of the things women everywhere desire to hear, and he's completely genuine about it!! I trust his love for me explicitly!! But with each new day, I dread hearing about his ex... He's honest about each time they talk, which I respect very much. But with each new day, each new conversation they have, I feel increasingly irritated, and the tension thickens. I try very hard to let things go, but the pile of these "things" is increasing exponentially and that terrifies me... I love him more than I have loved any other, but sometimes I catch myself contemplating whether love is enough.... I just don't know right now. Again, I appreciate your thoughts, insights and suggestions VERY much!! Thank you all !!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Sounds to me like you're learning to live your life in the parentheses of your B/F and his -ex.
IF you're content with that.... then let life go on....
IF you find it difficult (and it WILL BECOME INTOLERABLE!!!) then figure that out - NOW - and put an end to it....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 I wish I had good advice to give you but I can't... Living in their happy family house would kill me. Is there anyway possible to move and have y'alls house instead of his and her's? Would that make things a lot better for you? And maybe it is common for some divorced spouses to talk every day and be best friends but I have never seen it... Being civil and kind/getting along for the children is great but talking and sharing everything all the time? Seems kind of weird. Why did they get divorced in the first place I wonder? It seems the relationship will always be this way and I don't know if you will be able to take it and I can understand thinking it would be easier to get out. Maybe the other aunts will have better advice for you but the relationship between them is weirdly too close and it makes you unhappy, stressed and uncomfortable to the point you hate hearing her name. I would say you should leave. But again maybe someone else has ways to deal with this. I have felt the pangs of jealousy to the point of hating to hear a person's name brought up, and unfortunately for you she will ALWAYS be brought up.
...............................
|
