A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a crisis of loyalty.I'm 20 years old and for the past 10 years i've been aware that my dad has had a drinking problem - my parents separated soon before this realisation.Throughout the years there have been many instances where he has left me unattended to drink or go gambling (another addiction which he has conquered). There have even been a few times where people have phoned the police on him - in short, he's a severe alcoholic, drinking lightly throughout the day, and sometimes a lot in the evening.Despite this, when he's sober he's a good dad, and despite his sever depression, has good intentions, which makes me believe that addiction is a disease.To keep it somewhat short, my problems are of responsibility. I feel guilty to leave him sometimes when i know he's drunk, but he scares me so much and i cry secretly, even though i'm an adult. I feel trapped if i'm in the house with him and he's drinking - i am too afraid to tell him how i feel because he's very stubborn and will probably shun me. I need to let go of feeling guilty or responsible for him, but i cannot turn my back on him.My mother summed it up perfectly, he's an angel when he's sober, but a devil when he's drunk.Does anyone have any advice of how I should approach my father? Or can anyone sympathise with me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 I strongly suggest you contact Al-Anon to help you learn to cope with being the ADULT CHILD OF AN ALCOHOLIC... they have special support groups for people in your situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): You could try Googling your local AA group. I believe the AA have a section for relatives of alcoholics. There you will find advice and support. Maybe in a matter of fact none judgmental way, tell your father you have joined the AA. I am not sure if the relatives have meetings but if they do, you could attend and let your father know you are going to them! It might raise his awareness about his problem in a way that trying to talk to him can not do.
It is hard to reach alcoholics because they dont want to listen but SEEING the affect he is having on you, the way his problem is impacting on your life, might give him the push he needs to start addressing his problem. So if you do choose to join a group, be matter of fact about it and open with him. You will get support and find ways to deal with him and he might just end up guilty and curious enough to join too and make a start on addressing this problem. All the best.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (27 December 2012):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) Your father resembles my father in a lot of ways. They both suffer depression and drinking alcohol only increases that depression more because your ingesting anti-depressants. I'd suggest trying to talk with him about it, don't do it all at once.. It takes time and patience, patience is a virtue. Maybe include details of places he could go to get well, other people that undergo the same problems, sort of a group therapy thing for people who suffer with alcoholism.. My father has repeatedly denied everything and I just talk to him every now and then. He's been cutting down sort of but really, I think if you don't just shove it down their throat and don't talk to 'em constantly, it may have them thinking drinking their problems away isn't the way to go.. And may in fact change their route in life... Or at least you can hope they will, because if you keep drinking your liver will fail. I just hope he finds the light at the end of the tunnel and realizes he is loved and is never alone. Just be as caring and as loving as possible, don't stop talking with him just limit it so he works on his problems or he won't think anything is wrong at all if you continue talking to him as much as he wants you to. Try, if not, nothing changes. Good luck love. 3.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Well just like my mommy dearest you mom she acts like Joan Crawford in the movie totally. Or the way Judy Garland was as a mother. Not really a supportive relationship. It's more like Dr. Jekel Mr. Hyde type personality with her. To the point were it's, oh I dont remember that ^^^ed up ^^^ I did to you but better not tell no one. That is blatantly a lie. A liar and deceiver addict type with no remorse what so ever. Emotional vampires are addicts. When you get enough of being drained you cut off communication even if it's family
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 December 2012):
 You need to move out. Your being there is actually contributing to his problem, emphasis on HIS problem. Time for you, follow your mother's example,to move out and let him sort himself out. Drunks have to hit bottom most of the time before they can pick themselves up. It's a one man show, honey. You cannot fix this, you can only take care of yourself. If and when he decides to clean up his act you will then be a position of strength to support his decision.
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