| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My husband and I had a lot of difficulty to have our baby. After years of fertility appointments, I managed to conceive naturally and we had our miracle baby. I love him more than words can say. However, I have not forgotten the pain I went through during infertility. My problem is this ; I REALLY need to get better at dealing with insensitive remarks about it. Some people have no idea about our struggle and are just clueless ( I might let them off the hook) and some people know very well what we went through. So example one, this person was babbling on endlessly about how she has had to try for a whole MONTH and is still not pregnant for her THIRD baby, and when I said calm down, it's only been a month she said but it feels like a year. Try doing it for four years!! The other person keeps saying things like " it's a shame you can't give us more grandchildren". I know I should just be grateful I have my son, and I AM, but these remarks really hurt. The wounds of infertility are still here, and I don't want to be resentful forever. How can I deal with insensitive remarks like this in a positive way?
View related questions:
conceive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): I am glad that you finally won your battle with infertility. I also experienced that and it is so painful, but not really a subject you can even talk with others about. Do the people making these comments to you understand that they are hurting your feelings? Have you actually told them directly? Like say: "I don't know if you realize, but when you talk about your trying for a month for a third child being so hard, I find it hurtful and disrespectful after my struggles with years of infertility. Would you please refrain from talking about that with/around me?" or "Please do not complain to me about the number of children I have, it really hurts my feelings."I think this would be a good first step. If after that frank conversation they continue, be as rude as you like, and maybe you will need to think about limiting time with the people who are now knowingly hurting you. You can tell those people "Everyone knows that quality is better than quantity when it comes to children/grandchildren".Also if they make you really angry, you could always get a dart board and a head shot of the offender and go to town. ;-)Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 My guess is they are probably not even thinking about the effect off their comments. It feels like a year for that woman, but try and support her instead off comparing your situation to hers, yes you had a difficult time but so is she. Try not to make it a competition and offer her support.
As for another grandchild, all grandparents say this because they can hand the children back. Just laugh it off and say one is enough for the time being.
Plus do remember you are NOT infertile as you had your baby boy naturally so remember that and be more positive. Also remember that you are still in your 20s, plenty of people are actually not able to have children so be thankful.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 In people I know, such as friends or family members, I tend to feel differently about insensitivity versus intentional unkindness. One is accidental and they didn't mean to be hurtful, and the other is dealt with very differently.
For someone who is insensitive but wasn't being mean, I'll treat what they say as if they let out a massively large fart in public. I'll pause for a moment and then change the subject or excuse myself. Unintentional hurts are unintentional. If they don't get the hint, such as the person who mentioned the month and the third kid, I'd say very kindly but clearly, "May we please change the subject? The memory of the agonizing 4 years it took to have my first child still stings." Usually, that snaps the person straight out of oblivion and creates the empathy they should have had.
As for the parent/in-law who knows full well what you went through, yet made a comment about grandchildren, they know a little better than that. I'd simply say "Your fault for not giving me/my husband more siblings to breed for you! But we can't help our individual fertility, nor the pain caused by remarks such as yours." That one's got more teeth, but parents or in-laws should be the ones who LEAST are insensitive in this world. If that response makes her defensive, I'd look her right in the eyes and say, in a clear and quiet voice, "Please change the subject." and walk away. If she doesn't apologize, or get defensive and huffy, look at her and say, "Since you know talking about my fertility causes me great pain, and this is your reaction to my request to stop hurting me, I can only assume you're being hurtful to my husband and I on purpose, and my relationship with you will have to reflect that knowledge. But that can't be you, right?" Say that in the quiet voice of someone who can't believe your ears.
(I've said that exact same thing to someone before, and they tripped over themselves backpedaling and apologizing.)
Finally, people *are* insensitive. I guarantee that every single one of us has been insensitive without knowing it, just as every single one of us has secretly passed gas in public.
And - your level of sensitivity rests on you. There are some sensitive people out there who feel like murdering couples holding hands in front of them because they themselves are single, so they shoot dirty looks. You can choose to focus on the negative, or the positive. Not everything needs to be seen in the lens of your own pain or past, or everyone's going to end up offending you.
If the person is a kind person who has been good to you, insensitive comments are for forgiveness and the occasional abrupt subject change, just like the unintentional embarrassing flatulence in public.
How would you like to be treated for making an insensitive comment, knowing that you didn't mean to hurt someone else?? How would you want to be reacted to?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): Well, honestly I would give them a taste of their own medicine and probably say something rude back to them like "you are complaining about not being able to have a third child? Do you know how overpopulated the world is? Maybe you should consider doing something less selfish and adopt rather than being a baby-making machine"or say exactly what you said here "you think one month is long to try? How about 4 years? How about all the women who ACTUALLY struggle with fertility for years on end and its not a joke to them?"or "your two children aren't enough for you?!"Anything equally rude and uncalled for to their comments will work to hopefully make them recognize their own rudeness :)Alternatively, just ignore it. You have your beautiful child, you don't need to let it get to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): First of all, many many congratulations on having your son. He must be such an unbelievable joy after all the years of disappointments and treatments. It's clear from your post how much you appreciate and adore him. People don't mean to be insensitive when they talk about their own infertility. They are just so wrapped up in their own attempts to get pregnant that they are just focussing on their own longing for a child. They may also feel that, because you spent all those years having fertility treatments yourself, you will be able to empathise with them. Also, the comments about more grandchildren. Again, those people mean no harm, they are just a little tactless. Remind them very gently how long it took for you to have your son.But you do need to get your feelings into perspective. Remember that some women never get pregnant, no matter how many fertility treatments they have and no matter many how many years they keep trying. While all this is going on, those women hear these wonderful stories of miracle babies that arrive after so many years. You and your son are one of those miracle stories. I am one of those women. I tried for a baby for many many years and even managed to conceive a few times, but was disappointed every time. No treatment was successful. Eventually I had to have a hysterectomy in my 40s which broke my heart because that was the end of my dreams. I am now in my 50s and have long accepted that I will never be a mother or a grandmother like my sisters and friends. I often have people ask me how old my children are or if they are at university or if I am a grandmother. So you see, childless women also have to listen to and deal with insensitive people, but I know that they don't mean to be, so I don't let it upset me. If I can accept that I will never be a mother while other women around me have beautiful children, then you can accept that, while it took you 4 long difficult years to have your son, it might take others only a few months. The results are the same - no matter how long it took to get there, you have a wonderful child. Forget what went before. Forget the infertility treatments and the years of trying. Those years are gone. Concentrate all your emotions on that wonderful little boy of yours. He is your blessing and your joy and I wish you both the most wonderful happy life together.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 January 2017):
 Firstly it is NONE of their business! I can't believe that anyone would even "go there". You say some are so nosey they think they need to provide input to your or anyone's private business. Those folks are undeserving of any response whatsoever. If you can, just try to ignore them as ignorant dumb asses. Good luck and enjoy your newborn. You've been given not only a blessing but an awesome responsibility that I'm sure you will be fine with. Best wishes and good health.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 January 2017):
 "How do I deal with insensitive remarks about infertility?"
Let me give another way of looking at it.
Imagine all those remarks as when you went into labour. How much pain your were in. How much pain the baby caused before it was born.
However, once your baby was born...you did not hate it. You love it with all your heart.
Let those insensitive talks be the same as your labour pains. They were there for awhile, and now gone...And the only thing left is the JOY of a new life, and a new start.
Let the love of your child push all that crap out of your life. You went through a lot so that you would have compassion with those who suffered like you.
If they want more grand children...they can get pregnant and have them. One is better than none.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2017):
 How can I deal with insensitive remarks like this in a positive way?
But not taking them to heart and carry them around.
THEIR insensitive remarks are THEIRS and not a reflection of you or your fertility. YOU can't fix stupid or rude.
Most people who have never had problems conceiving won't really understand what you go through - but MOST can take the time to "walk in someone else shoes" and not say ridiculous things like the ones you have heard.
A parent/in-law who says:" it's a shame you can't give us more grandchildren" - all you can really say back is - YES, I wish we had another 5 kids, I would love that. And then leave it at that. Don't explain. You do NOT OWE anyone an explanation whether they know of your struggle or not.
And a person who "complains" that it took a whole month is pretty insensitive, but even then I'd just wish them well. Again, I don't think she was saying to make a dig at you, she just wasn't thinking about ANYONE expect herself. And some people are like that. It is what it is.
Don't let OTHERS dictate how you feel. It's OK to be hurt that they are inconsiderate, but that really JUST shows you what kind of person THEY are. So don't let them drag you down.
...............................
|
