A
female
age
30-35,
*iddenHeart
writes:Mod note:Question was too long, was edited shorter.Well, to start things off, I'm 20 years and female, and my boyfriend is turning 21 next month.We started out long distance, but really hit it off well. We visited and back in April I moved out to his state and became roomies with him. It's my first relationship, but we were both virgins and lost it to eachother. We've officially been going out for a year, but were sort of an item months before that.Everything had been going perfect up until his ex got in the picture. When I had first started speaking to him, she was practically tormenting him, despite that they were broken up. I had to hear about it constantly, and quite frankly, really started to hate this girl for treating someone the way she did.It first started with her calling him. He said he wanted nothing to do with her. She kept calling and calling. He sort of gave up on trying to ignore her, but I got upset and sort of asked him to just not talk to her. Later on, after being intimate, he informed me that he had been talking to his ex. He didn't want to hide it from me anymore, but had been hiding it because he didn't want to upset me. I was just glad he came out and told me. I figured it would be no harm, it's not like they'd really do much aside from text or facebook.There was a carnival back in June, and I was looking forward to going on the last day with him. He had told me if I wasn't too tired after work I could go. When that day came, in the morning, he was saying I wasn't allowed to go along. I was very disappointed and wanted to know why. Eventually he said his friend was bringing his ex along. I said I didn't care, but he said he did. He said it would be awkward, because of the whole current girlfriend around the ex thing. I said he shouldn't be hanging out with his "ex" anyhow, if that was the case. He said she was just a friend, to which I reminded him "then it's just a girlfriend hanging around with your friends." He didn't quite understand that...I didn't get to go, and he still hung out with his friends and ex. He had a crummy phone at the time and it died, so I couldn't really get ahold of him. I was really worried, obviously. Especially because his friend had mentioned at the start when she first started calling him that his ex had recently broken up with her boyfriend, and for the whole time I've known my bf, that always means she's trying to get back together with him.After that night, I told him I could never deal with that again. He was apologetic, and we agreed that if he wanted to hang out with his ex, I'd have to be around. That day eventually came (thanks to his friend always having her around.) He asked if I would be okay with hanging out with her, and I said yes. It was really okay at first. We were at our work and it was just a casual sit-down thing. I got a little creeped out because we had some weird habits in common, but nonetheless, I was okay with her. Until we went to Walmart. She was walking too close for me to be comfortable with, and just being... weird. I got that weird instinct that she still wanted him.Later on, we talked about that and he tried clarifying some things. I walked away from that discussion satisfied and comfortable with things.Then, they started talking more. It seemed like every time I would ask him who he was texting (we both habitually ask eachother out of curiosity) and it would always be her. A couple days ago, he had posted on facebook (I'm beginning to see why so many people break up due to facebooking) saying that if it weren't for a good friend and one of his favorite bands playing all night at work, his night would have been awful. When I questioned him about who his good friend was, he was hesitant to answer. When he finally did, it was true it was her. So, of course, I was not happy about him now all of a sudden being "good friends" with his ex. When I said it was getting out of hand, he said it wasn't, then decided to rub salt in the wound by saying she would be at his birthday party, too. I stopped talking and went to the room to cool off. I had to drive him to work, and when we were on the way he basically cornered me in the car and forced me into talking about it. I was extremely stressed since my hours got cut at work and so money issues ensued, and between it all I exploded on him about him being friends with his ex.We exchanged some texts and the main summary I can really give is that he said that our relationship was more out of hand than him being friends with her, that I needed to accept that and that if I couldn't deal with them being friends our relationship would basically be over. It's been 2 days since then and I just get this feeling that he just doesn't want the relationship anymore. So my two questions are:-Does he just need a little more time, or are things over?-Is there any way to deal with him being friends with his ex where I don't have to either force him to choose one of us or be miserable allowing it to go on?
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at work, both virgins, facebook, get back together, his ex, long distance, money, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HiddenHeart +, writes (3 November 2010):
HiddenHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Despite having many issues with his ex for a while, she moved back to Arizona to get back with her ex (I suppose since she couldn't get back with my boyfriend) and is now prettymuch out of the picture. They still talk a little here and there, but knowing she won't be anywhere near him is comforting.
A
female
reader, HiddenHeart +, writes (24 July 2010):
HiddenHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust for clarification, to see if the answer would still be the same.
He was head over heels for me for about a year before I even acknowledged it wasn't just a silly crush, and there were many, many times she tried to get back together with him and he had refused. He couldn't even have a relationship with anyone else after meeting me. I had actually found out he still had feelings for me, despite how much he tried to hide it, through a Freudian slip.
To me, it seems like I chose to date a guy whose heart was completely mine, so I don't quite understand your advice as is.
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