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male
age
41-50,
*abloConfused
writes:[Mod note: please note that the poster is 22 years of age, not 32. The poster should consider starting a new account so this doesn't create confusion later.]]So, I'm a 22 year old guy beginning a new relationship with a girl. I'm not one to jump into anything related to romance or relationships very quickly or give myself emotionally quickly, either (this is only my fourth relationship and each of my previous relationships have lasted at least one year), and that wasn't the case with this current girl, either. I took about a good year of getting to know her before full-on courting her before starting the relationship. There were things in her past she wasn't proud of as far as her relationships/romance/sexual history went, but has expressed a desire to put them behind her as she's returning to being more religious and I have seen it in action already (it was part of my reason for holding off on courting her for such a long time, even when she seemed perfect for me in just about every other way).She used to be involved quite actively in a drama/theater club and while I knew that she was in some rather raunchy plays, I never really knew what her roles in them were. Recently, I came across videos of the performances she was in on YouTube and they're extremely troubling for me; she's been in scenes where multiple guys are fondling her gratuitously, scenes were guys are simulating crowding around her and masturbating as she's on her knees, a scene in a bed where she and another guy are disrobing and he's clearly in the missionary position between her legs (albeit under a sheet by this point) and is thrusting, and (what seems quite tame compared to everyone else) plenty of long, intense, very physical make out scenes. I've seen the question posted on here before about dealing with stage kissing/romance scenes when a significant other is in one, but I don't think that it was quite the same as this.As far as what my actual questions are, I guess I am wondering are1) How do I deal with all that stuff in the past that's so incredibly the polar opposite of my views on physical intimacy? The majority of the time, probably 90% of it, I couldn't care less about the past whenever I am with her because I don't believe it's fair to hold the past against someone, especially in a relationship. However, the times I do think of it or it's mentioned, I can't help but see the very crude images in my head again.2) Is there any way to really know, aside from flat-out asking her, if these are things she'd be interested in doing again? There are a lot of things I've seen her permanently bury in the past, and ideally, taking part in raunchy stuff like this would be one of them. Do I just have to sit down and talk to her about both of these issues and ask her to help me through them?Anyone who's been anywhere close to my shoes knows all the thoughts running around in my head, so please feel free to add anything that you feel would help. Thanks, everyone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): All I can say is run as fast as you can! After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you that the hurt does not go away. I have read a number of variations of this question on this site and a great number of answers. I was no saint when we married and my wife was honest with me before we married, although not for the first 4 years that we dated. I was so hurt when I found out about her past that I broke off the relationship. Several years later, I began to think that it was crazy not to pursue the relationship just because of her past.
Well, I was right when I broke things off initially. This is a subject that does not lend itself to rational thinking or what might be considered fair. I think that many men in general have a difficult time with a wife's past and nothing seems to change the thoughts.
So, for any young person out there that is thinking about marriage and is already dealing with this issue, get out of the relationship now. I think it is better to be single for life than to go through the mental torment that I have gone through.
The posts on this site have been helpful because at least I know that I am not alone in this.
I will find a little comfort if I can help even one guy avoid what I've gone through! Good luck.
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (25 January 2012):
 i have gone through years of hurt over my wife's sexual past. if you are interested ,and serious about her i suggest you talk to her now and get the hurt, feelings, and thoughts out of your mind, heart. i have been married over twenty years, and my wife's past has still bothered me. i did not take care of it while we was dating . i did not ask a few questions that i should have, and it had left me wondering over the years.( tormented ) i would just suggest set down and talk with her over the things that is really bothering you. i would not ask for deep details because that will only cause you troubles in your mind seeing her in the past. ( you don't need the details ) you only need in general why. her past and she can't change it. but she may have changed , and have regrets. if you can see a good character in her , good qualities a person that does not reflect her past that should help a lot. if you love her don't hold it against her, but get a heart to heart talk with each other. let her know how it is making you feel, you will be able to tell if she really has regret, and sorrow. work through it together.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 "So, what kind of roles are you looking for? Are you going to do any more of those more raunchy scenes?"
I don't think it's that difficult to ask. Just ask. If you are afraid it's going to point to the fact you have an issue with her past roles, well, you have an issue with her past roles. Why try to hide it?
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reader, eddie  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 No matter what she did, it can't be undone. Does she feel bad and haave regrets or does she feel bad becasue you\re making her have regrets. In other words, if you didn't bring it up, would she? Fell free to ask her if she would do these things again. You have to acept her answer though. She is who she is. If you took as long as you say to begin the relationship, why are you worried now?
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reader, PabloConfused +, writes (25 January 2012):
PabloConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, person12345. As someone with plenty of acting experience myself, I'm really not one to buy into the "It's just acting" argument. A really good way of explaining opposition to it was presented in another post on this site (URL: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-husbands-wives-of-actors-actresses-deal.html ) and quoted below:"The quick response I get is 'It's all about context', and the intention of those 'involved'. This is really the only argument which is presented and is relatively easy to dismiss. One way to deconstruct this argument is to use a little logic tool called a syllogism. A syllogism is taking two premises and drawing a conclusion based on those premises. It sort of looks like this: 'All A is C; all B is A; therefore all B is C.'So, Do actors engage in sexual behaviour on screen with their fellow actors?A--Actors engage in this type of behaviour on stage or in front of a camera: french kissing, erotic touching, intercourse, fellatio, sustained lip kissing, gyrating crotches together etc.B French kissing, erotic touching, intercourse, fellatio, sustained lip kissing, gyrating crotches together etc.Constitutes sexual behaviour.C Therefore actors engage in sexual behaviour.Simple easy logic.This type of syllogistic logic precludes motivation and context. Simply because these behaviours universally constitute sexual behaviour.This same logic cannot be applied when playing the role of murderer who stabs his victims simply because the actor is not 'actually' stabbing his colleagues."I have found that I care about this girl enough to get over a lot of things that used to "disqualify" women for me, so to speak, including simply having this kind of a past. In all honesty, I know I can find it within myself to get past all of this if I'm sure she doesn't desire to take on such roles again. If she even wants to continue acting, as I know from my own experiences and I'm sure she knows from hers, there are PLENTY of roles out there that don't involve anything sexual. I'm just not sure how to bring any of this up.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 She was acting, those things don't represent her or her wants, they represent a character she was playing. Unless I'm reading your question wrong, she was not actually having sex. She can't be interested in trying them again because they didn't happen the first time. I know it must be difficult to see these things on tape, but you have to understand when someone is acting, they are a) not actually performing sex, b) not being themselves, they are becoming a character, and c) definitely not turned on or aroused by what's happening on stage.
I know it's impossible to permanently get those images out of your head, but I do think you're handling this well and rationally by acknowledging it's not fair to hold against her and that she can't change the past.
If it's any help, I've taken part in plays where I had to be groped and make out and believe me, it is NOT sexy or a turn on in any way. It's a job, you're trying to put on a show for an audience. You're not thinking about the other actor, you're thinking about the audience and how you look to the audience.
She wasn't actually engaging in sex with those guys, she was putting on a show. Why don't you try talking to her about it and tell her that first, you don't hold it against her (you don't want to put her on the defensive) and then explain that you're having trouble with the images of her on youtube replaying in your head. She can probably tell you there was nothing sexy about what went on and that what happened has nothing to do with her personal sexual preferences or values.
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