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female
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*parklyirirsheyes
writes: hi. I am going out with my boyfriend for 7 months. wE were best friend before so ive known him 2 years and since we've been together it has been perfect. He is a university student and lives with 3 girls! I know 2 of the girls like him and he kissed one of them a few years ago. Yesterday, i found txt messages on his phone that he sent to one of the girls calling her darling and just general chit chat. I know in my heart there is nohing going on as i have a lot of male friends also and would be quite affecitonate with them, so its ok for me to do it but not him! i have been reallly really hurt before as my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me and hurt me more than u can imagine so it's hard for me to totally trust now. I truely know that he wouldnt cheat on me but how can i cope when other girls fancy him? I know it would be naive of me to think that he is never attracted to other girls as that is not natural, but i cant cope when i think he is. How do you deal with that???i am a very insecure person and there is nothing he can do about that, but i dont want to be naive as i have been in the past and ignore those text messages. i confronted him about it and he said he was playin with her the things he was saying (which were not that bad just a bit flirty!) he said he wasn't flirting with her and i think he was. i really dont know what to do as i do trust that he wouldnt do anything to hurt me but how do i get over my paranoia over other girls?? Please help me!Thanks xxx
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male
reader, dregennedd +, writes (27 November 2005):
This one doesn't sound like a problem to me - in fact - paranoia should be the last of your feelings!You obviously trust your guy - so the relationship has a strong basis. You also have known him a long time. All guys (except gay ones I suppose!) look at other women in a sexual way - it's natural. We chat, we flirt, but for most men, that's it. It's nothing more, and I really would cast it from your mind, because we don't change (sorry!)Look out! Paranoia, and confrontation, will put the lad off. My ex-g/f was rather paranoid like yourself, and convinced herself that I was not allowed to talk or chat to other girls at all. Ridiculous, as a couple of my mates are ladies. It pushed me away from her, to the point where I actually resented her for it, and so I ended it.Firstly, try to convert your feelings of paranoia into pride. Wow! Other lasses fancy your guy - you must have got good taste! Revel in it :)Then you need to deal with your insecurity. What is causing it? Get to the root, then seek help from someone external to the relationship, like a mate or a counsellor. These are your issues, not his, and if you get rid of them and boost your security, he will notice and feel all the more comfortable, safe, and loved with you. It will also make you feel really good about yourself, as you can use all this energy you are wasting on paranoia on building your relationship. You first, then the relationship - best of luck from me :)
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