A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello Cupiders,How do I deal with a very unsupportive partner?I have always aimed for the best for both of us, fitness, finance, mental and emotional health.Lately I have noticed my long term partner has never supported me in my decisions. This hurts me so much, I thought we were a team. This to me is a red flag, a major red flag. This is not the first time she has acted negative to something I find happiness in. It breaks my heart. She has been so toxic at times in the past with ongoing depression. For example when I've shown weakness such as being too tired to drive I told her she can drive, I had been driving for a while already, and we got in to a fight.Tonight I told her I would be training 2 nights a week with a my sport because they are setting the bar high and it is exactly what I want! When I came home to tell my partner she rolled her eyes... I was so disheartened. I've been pushing for her to get her fitness back on track and she is playing 3 nights a week she told me the week before. I can give so many examples of things that should have been a red flag when I look back now.We have a toddler and I should have walked a long time ago before our child. My partner is a fantastic mum, so much that I feel she almost lives through our child instead of being her own person. This also makes me sad. I don't know what to do anymore, she has very poor communication with me at times which I have been specifically targeting so we can make things work, it is exhausting. She has had problems at work in various jobs and I can see why not. I am sad and emotionally exhausted dealing with a porcupine always getting stung when trying to get close :( What can I do from here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2021): To me this seems to be a matter of differing interests, different levels of ambition and achievement, and timing may also be a factor. You can't make a sports-enthusiast out of someone who doesn't like sports. You can't always get a standing-ovation out of an audience, and every joke you tell isn't funny to everybody hearing it. Sometimes you get a bullseye several times in a row; and sometimes you miss your target altogether. Such is life!
Oh, you've cleverly disguised the true nature and motivation behind this post. You're tired of your underachieving boring partner, who has worn-out her usefulness and appeal. I wonder how many times you've told her just how underwhelming and lazy she is? If anything I've ever learned being an uncle here at DC, that is reading between the lines! Catching little snippets of truth veiled behind carefully-crafted rhetoric. I guess you're ready to move on to something better. Get back out there in the dating world! You're tired of this woman.
In the real-world, there are underachievers and overachievers. Sometimes your significant other doesn't like being reminded how inept or average they are by people with high-ambitions, or explosive energy-levels. Chasing a toddler, making sure you keep them alive by keeping every corner of your dwelling toddler-proof is exhausting. She obviously loves being a mother, which entails a lot! Then she has to do all her other household-chores. At the same-time, keeping an eye on an inexhaustible ball of energy; and still manage to run a household, keep a lovely clean home, do laundry, and cook. Of course, every meal must be a nutritional palatable-masterpiece; prepared for someone health-conscious and mindful of his physique!
In addition to all this, she's expected to maintain an acceptable level of attractiveness and visible athleticism (to keep-up the golden-couple image); while fighting the aging-process, in concert with dealing with her mental-illness and mounting inner-insecurities. Which you probably never fail to point-out to her! Yet she's the one who is unreasonable and toxic. I speculate she's constantly reminded that she can't keep-up. You're no victim!
You are pressuring your wife, squashing her self-esteem; while you're implying she's a Debbie-downer, because she can't keep-up with you. Completely aware that she's suffering from depression; yet you expect her to be all fired-up, and a pom-pom shaking cheerleader for your every little feat of accomplishment. She rolled her eyes, because that's all she's ever reminded of. How ambitious you are, and how unambitious she is! You don't always have to say it in so many words...but I bet you do!
I reiterate...she fights depression! Antidepressant medications have limited effectiveness for some people. Some women don't wish to take these medications if they wish to have children, during breast-feeding, and if they have undesirable side-effects. I venture to speculate that she had to go-off prescribed meds during her pregnancy. I am completely certain she gained weight during, and after, pregnancy. A very common complaint from men to DC! Thus, your complaint about her lack of interest in fitness. Maybe she doesn't have the time or energy!
You know what depression is, if she has been clinically-diagnosed with it. You can't snap your fingers at her, and she suddenly snaps out of it. It's a debilitating mental-disorder, it requires treatment. Like all treatments and therapies, results will vary in patients. If you see little progress in her function and recovery; then it may be time for a new therapist. Maybe her psychiatric-therapist needs to try different programs of treatment, and a combination of medications; or change her prescriptions altogether.
It is likely she suffers other mental-health issues, (certainly low self-esteem); while being pushed beyond her functional capabilities. Now she's under pressure to prove to you she is able to all that you can do, in spite of her disabilities. Maybe it's just me, but I see some pretty profound selfishness and insensitivity here! You burden her with motherhood on top of a struggle with depression; and you want her to raise a toddler, workout, run a household, cheer for you, and be the Stepford Wife (Google it!) that can do it all! Your remedy, dump her? You got her pregnant, I guess the remedy to that is to have a custody battle and declare her unfit?
I don't know what others see, but something smells as far as I'm concerned. Have her tell us her side of this; and then we'll compare the two posts. There's more to this than meets the eye.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 January 2021):
 The line which screams out at me from your post is when you say your partner has "never supported me in my decisions". Do you consult and discuss things with her before making your decisions? Do you allow her to make some of the decisions? How supportive are you when/if this happens?
I could have got completely the wrong end of the stick, in which case I apologise. However, the content of your post makes it sound like you make all the decisions and expect her to be supportive. If this is, indeed, the case, then it's little wonder that she has lost enthusiasm.
You mention she suffers from depression. Is this since she had your child, or something which has been going on before that? Is she receiving professional support and treatment for her illness? How supportive are you of her when she is having a tough time?
I'd love to hear your partner's side to this story.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (22 January 2021):
 What I get from what you have wrote are not clear examples of the problems you have. Just your expectations on how she should receive you and what you want to do with your life and hers. Has it ever crossed your mind that your expectations for her are only for you to feel better? Maybe she doesn't want her life mapped out for her by you. She is also a mother. Do you split parenting 50/50, do you help around the house 50/50? You say you've been trying to push her to be more active. Give her a break. She is already working out 3 days a week. You sound quite controlling as a matter of fact.
Tell her how unhappy you are and if you want to leave then leave and co-parent your child. She deserves to be with someone who will love her for who she is.
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