A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:How do I deal with a guy who is insecure that I had sexual experiences before him? Is that even normal for a guy to feel? Early in our relationship, he was disappointed that I wasn't a virgin. Then he was weirded out when he found out that he wasn't the first guy I ever gave a blow job to. We got past those things and everything was fine for a long time. Then we were having sex last night and he asks if he can pull out and cum on me, that he's always wanted to do it. I said sure and made the mistake of saying I like it too. Of course the conversation later turned to how do I know that I like it and I had to admit I had done it before. Now he's distant and insecure about that too. I had the good sense to not mention that my ex and I used no birth control so he came on me every time we did it. How can I get him to grow up? The past is the past. We didn't even know each other when those things happened. Should I reassure him here and tread lightly or should I just tell him to man up and deal with it? I'm leaning toward the latter because I don't want to have soothe his battered ego every time he realizes I had a life before him. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of unreasonable behavior and how did you handle it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017): His feelings are completely NORMAL, they are just not HELPFUL. Some people call this issue insecurity. Others call it jealousy. Others call it ego. Others call it a moral values thing. Others just call it a preference. The truth is, it can be any one or combination of these causes. Depends on the person. People are not all alike. It's not wise (nor very humble) to assume you understand all there is to know about another person's feelings when they are struggling. Girls have a weakness for players. "Experienced" guys. Etc. Not every girl does but it's normal. We don't call this feeling any kind of mental disorder. But guess what the flip-side of this is: guys liking the opposite. It's common, and not some kind of mental disorder, for guys to prefer less experienced girls. Notice that I don't say this common male preference is convenient. I don't say it helps with relationships. But I do say it's perfectly normal.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2017): Although you seem to like this guy but TBH I dont think he is suitable for you because he will always sulk whenever your past is mentioned. You will do him a great favour to tell him to find a girl that has no sexual past. You know, someone whose past is like a blank sheet of paper.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Why does he need to know the details of the past? If past is past, why not just leave it there and not talk about it? Have him to agree not to ask and you promise not to tell. Agree only to talk about you two.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Sorry but my first thought was that I hope you are using more reliable contraception now than with your ex.
What do you call people who use the withdrawal method of contraception? PARENTS! It is not reliable as semen can escape well before a man actually ejaculates. Make sure you are using something more reliable.
If this boy is so insecure about your past, then he is probably not "the one" for you. How many times can you reassure him? You should not have to apologise for having lived before him.
On the other hand, there is no need to rub his face in your past at every opportunity either.
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A
male
reader, WickedPoet +, writes (12 February 2017):
 It seems to me that this is someone you care about or you would not be trying to resolve this for the third time. The short answer is to tell him that the woman he cares so much about now is the product of all those previous experiences, including the sexual ones. Tell him that had any of those experiences not occurred you might be very different and he might not have been attracted to you. As to whether this is "normal", if 'this is a guy close to your age, sure it is. He might have a fantasy image of you as being "pure." On the other hand he has certainly benefited from your experience. I think the deeper issue though is his insecurity. He might not believe he is deserving of you and this can spill over into other areas of your relationship. He might become needy and seek regular assurance that you still have feelings for him. This might make you feel smothered eventually. Your instincts to tell him he needs to just accept that you had a life before him,just as he did, is the right way to go. Otherwise you are enabling his behavior and it will just leave you feeling exhausted.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2017):
 I'd be VERY frank with him. Sit him down, tell him:" I HAVE had sexual experiences before you, and if you can't handle it LET me know and we will end this relationship because you DO not have the right to be upset or try and make me feel like I need to be ashamed. In return, I promise I will NOT talk about the past experiences as I can sense you don't like the fact that I had some."
Also IF you are NOT on birth control USE condoms or get on the pill, don't presume that the "pull out" method will prevent a pregnancy ESPECIALLY if your partner is VERY inexperienced.
OP, there is NOTHING wrong with YOU having had sexual experiences before him. And there is NO way you should feel BAD for having had them.
If he can't handle it, then END it and tell him to go find a virgin.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Should you reassure him and tread lightly? Hell no! If the little pudding's little feelies are going to get hurt this often I'd be considering if he was worth the effort!
Give him one last chance ... tell him you had sex before you met him, and you can't change that, he either accepts that as a FACT right now or you are done with him!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 February 2017):
 Yep, I'd handle it the exact same way you are feeling.
Everyone has a past, how can you change yours? Why would you want to change it? Tell him to suck it up or hit the road.
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