A
female
age
30-35,
*arleygirl2010
writes:How do i change myself to where i don't check up on him so much? I didn't mean to make him think that I distrust him or that i am "checking up" on him. I just tend to get worried about him and want to make sure he is ok. I trust him completely just not the women around him. His ex started bugging us and now there is a woman, who professes to be a lesbian, and yet who has said if she wasn't moving and he wasn't with me she would date him. She is into women for goodness sake and she says that. I don't trust very many women around me for the fact too many have back stabbed me or brought to much drama. So how do i quit "checking up" on him? Quit texting so much? Quit asking questions? What? I'm naturally curious and like to know what he is doing and see how he is doing and all that. I love talking to him. please help. A males perspective or advice would be very greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (25 August 2011):
harleygirl2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you. do you happen to know any of the titles so i know what to look for? I have been trying to break those thoughts and those habits. I don't mean to bombard him with questions and usually it's more that i'm worried he got hurt cause he disappeared from our conversation and I want to make sure he is ok.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Learn to interrupt negative thought patterns. First you need to recognize when you're starting to have those negative and insecure thoughts. and then you need to cut those thoughts off and not let them continue to invade your mind.holding yourself back physically from reaching for the phone, or holding your tongue so you don't fire interrogating questions the minute you see him, are all good things to do. Certainly better than giving in to your impulses. But you're still feeling a lot of insecurity and anxiety. the root of the problem is negative and obsessive thought patterns. If you didn't have those negative thoughts you wouldn't have the urges to do the other stuff and so you won't be having to hold yourself back from anything.you may want to get and read some books on dealing with anxiety. there are exercises you can practice in recognizing and stopping negative thoughts to prevent them spiraling out of control.
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A
female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (24 August 2011):
harleygirl2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know why i feel those feeling of fear. His ex accused him of cheating on me with her while she is 100 some odd miles away and underage. I worry when we are talking and having a conversation through call or text and all of sudden the call ends or he stops texting and i have no reply. I call back and he ignores the call, or i don't hear from him for hours and I'm left wondering if he was in a wreck or working on the house and got injured or something. This lesbian chick rubs me the wrong way. I'm not trying to seem like i distrust him my friends say it wasn't checking up or suffocating him it was my caring and protective sides kicking in. I tend to be very protective and caring for my friends and family and would die for any of them. I'm not in his usual type and i know this he has stated this. the only part of me that is is my waist size, hair length and supposedly my attitude. I'm 5"2' and he usually goes for women taller than him. I'm very pale in skin tone and look as though i should have been born in a completely different era and he usually goes for the tanner or darker toned or Asian descent. So I don't know if that is a good or bad thing or what. I'm just so lost.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 August 2011):
 This has to do with you and how you see yourself.
You mentioned that you trust him but not the women around him. I totally understand that, and that is a very common feeling.
This anxiety stems from feelings in you that you are not good enough to keep him. Some other woman will come along that will make your boyfriend realize that you're not good enough and will give into her.
Face it, if you believed that you are an absolutely amazing catch for him above all others, and you believed that he held you in that kind of esteem, then these other girls could throw themselves at him 24/7 and you'd just laugh at their futility and be confident and at peace with anything he did.
How do you stop checking up on him? Easy. Work on your self-esteem, and be honest about how trustworthy he is. If you have deep seeded doubts that he may give into base impulses and cheat on you, then you need to find out why you feel that way.
I know you haven't crossed the line in terms of flooding him with calls, demands for reassurances and manipulation, and it's actually really mature of you to recognize that you have the urges to be that way. That's 2/3rds of the battle right there.
The other 1/3 is your mindset. Remember, and I think you know this, these urges you have to check on him, watch every woman around him, constant texting and calling, these will have the opposite effect of what you're reaching. They'll have a smothering effect and force him away, thinking that you're needy and clingy.
Which brings me to the ex. As far as his ex is concerned, she's an EX for a reason. You have a say in how much communication he keeps up with her. You do not have to fight to keep his attentions off of her. He either will or he won't. If he's playing around with nostalgia and they're chatting, you have a right to tell him that there's no room for three people in the relationship, and then you let him make the choice.
You have this animosity towards women. Let me tell you something -- your GUY has all of the responsibility. If you're focusing on the women, you're focusing in the wrong place. If your guy is trustworthy, and you likewise trust in yourself, these other women have zero chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): You need to just stop doing all those things and just sit with the anxiety you're feeling and let it pass no matter how long it takes. It helps if you can do other stuff to take your mind off those things you would otherwise obsess about.
Ask yourself - is he similarly obsessing about what you're doing and the people around you? No? then why should you be obsessing about him? why is his situation more important to you, than yours is to him?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2011):
 You need to keep yourself occupied. Find a hobby, go out with friends, go for a walk, learn a new skill, do whatever you can to just take your mind off it. Idleness is what tends to cause this kind of insecurity in that as you sit around, your mind mulls over it and starts creating crazy scenarios and putting things in your mind.
I think we're all probably guilty of worrying about these things sometimes, but you need to stop bugging him about it. You're going to drive him away and make him think you don't trust him. So put down the phone. Just don't even bring it with you sometimes when you go out, leave it in another room, do whatever you can to get it out of your sight for a few hours. Out of sight, out of mind.
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