A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Basically I have a pretty big problem that has been on going for nearly 5 years now. It concerns my ex. I won't go in to detail but basically I went out with this girl on and off for about 4 years, the relationship was always shaky, partly because I was very depressed at the time and also partly because he too was extremely emotionally insecure and cheated on me a couple of times due to these problems.We broke up about 5 years ago and I didn't speak to her for about a year. Then all of a sudden we started speaking and became really good friends again (we had been great friends before we started going out). Anyway long story short, at no point since we have broken up have I ever stopped being sexually attracted to her, which I know is not normal because she is not "obviously beautiful" it's as though I am seeing all the things I used to see and I realise I am also somewhat addicted to her emotional insecurity and the sluttiness, mind games and drama that go with it.Now, none of this would be a problem if I just saw her as a friend, but I am afraid it's not how I am seeing her. We lived together in a house with 3 other friends and during that time we slept together a few times and for a couple of years (after moving out) we often kissed (when drunk) and the like.I currently have a girlfriend and I haven't done anything with my ex since I met this girl but I honestly can't stop thinking about my ex. 90% of the time when masturbating it is about her, I also often fantasise about her when me and my girlfiend are having sex. My ex is coming down to where I live soon and she wants me to go out drinking with her and other people (like I said we are friends) but I know considering my girlfriend is out of town for a few months anything could happen between me and my ex and while part of me doesnt want anything to happen because I don't want to hurt my girlfriend or give my ex the satisfaction of using me for her own security issues, sexually I find myself really wanting something to happen.Basically I need help. I need some advice as to how to crush these desires before someone gets hurt, I can see what my ex is like and if she and I didn't both realise there was some sexual tension between us there wouldn't be a problem. Believe me I can be strong as hell and use willpower but not so much when alcohol is concerned. Moreover I don't want to just treat the "symptoms" of this affliction but rather heal it completely. So...any tips on how to stop fantasising about your ex...all the time? While ideally not lose a friend and/or a girlfriend in the process?Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I thank you both for your advice and believe me, it is greatly appreciated. Unfortunately though stopping being friends with my ex is not really an option (not that I don't agree it is the best course of action). The reason for this is because all my friends are linked, having come from a small expat community most of my friends I have met in that community or through them. Stopping contact with my ex out of the blue would cause rifts between other people as well, this spans generations as in her parents are friends with my parents etc. The other thing is I met my current gf through my ex when we were living in that house, she was fully aware of me and my ex's past and she actually pursued me.
Talking to my ex about it is also out of the question as the tension is such that (as obvious as it may appear) it is easily deniable and I know that is what she will do because she is insanely insecure and nothing would change. Believe me on this one everyone who knows her and who has tried to talk to her about anything (me included) tells of how futile it is. And so you could argue this person is not worth knowing anyway if she is this messed up but like I said, this wouldn't be an issue if we were normal friends, emotional issues isn't a basis for me as a person to stop being friends with someone.
So although I appreciate your answers I really need something outside of the box so to speak, I am moving with my girlfriend soon so this wont be an issue soon, it is just this last weekend I am worried about.
Finally I know alcohol is not an excuse but I am certainately not perfect and although it is fine for me to use willpower when sober, my inhibitions do lower and when she gets drunk she throws herself at me which obviously she doesn't do when she is sober. I should point out should you not be aware the drinking culture in the UK is such that people tend to drink way past just tipsy on nights out, far reaching consequences about the state of our country aside this is still a part of the culture that is hard to get away from and I do quite enjoy. So when I say alcohol I do actually mean drunk, not just pleasantly tipsy. Again I realise it isn't an excuse and I have no trouble resisting other girls advances when drunk but there is just something about this particular one. Evidently I still lust after this girl and considering my age (or naivity) and how I see my future with my girlfriend coupled with the fact I will be drunk and she will be throwing herself at me I am really worried something might happen. Even though my future with my girlfriend looks bleak in the long run I am just asking advice to not be "that guy" and quintesentially a better person.
Thanks again for your posts!
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 First off, if you are this hung up on an ex to the point where you are even thinking about her all the time while having sex with your PRESENT girlfriend, then you shouldn't have a girlfriend at the moment. Sure everyone fantasizes, but the extent and the intentions that you have are alarming. You shouldn't be caught up in a relationship at the moment. I find that if there are constant thoughts of cheating, chances are, these thoughts turn into actions.
Second point; don't use alcohol as an excuse. Alcohol doesn't push anyone to cheat. No matter what, it's always a choice. I have been all different types of drunk with guys that I found attractive, but that doesn't mean I lose my free will and jump into bed with anyone. I stay loyal to my boyfriend because I want to. Using a possible excuse for your actions makes you even less responsible, because then you just assure yourself that it won't be your fault if you cheat. Doesn't matter if you are drunk or not, still cheating. Still a choice.
Stop hanging out with your ex. If you even respect your current girlfriend at all, you would break things off with her until you settle out your issues. I know for a fact you wouldn't want to be wasting time with someone who is obsessed and constantly wanting their ex, so spare your girlfriend from the headache too.
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 The obvious advice about the fantasising issue would be to replace the fantasies of your ex with other fantasies or scenarios. I don't know how possible that is for you.
This might be harsh, but I would suggest you cut off contact from your ex. Don't even be friends with her. I must admit, if I date a guy and I find out he's still close friends with an ex of his, I instantly become more suspicious and wary. This is because I wouldn't feel comfortable with my BF being close with someone he used to have sex with and be intimate with, because there is ALWAYS a possibility that feelings can be acted upon.
If you truly care for your current girlfriend and can see yourself being with her for the time being, then losing the ex would be a good idea. Because if you don't see her as much, in theory your interest in her sexually should probably wane and eventually go away because you wouldn't be having frequent contact with her.
To understand this, switch the situation and imagine your GF is in the dilemma you are in. What decision would you want her to make? I'd like to think you'd want her to cease contact with her ex because contact with her ex with the possibility of sex puts your relationship in threat. So think about it. Someone has to go.
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